Going on safari in Africa is an exotic dream for many people. For South Africans, even though it's on our doorstep, it's a dream too - because it's fucking expensive.
Oh sure, you can go to one of those parks where you drive through yourself, but you won't see a damn thing. You might be two feet away from a lion, and you wouldn't know it.
So doing a safari in a private game reserve, with a tracker and a guide, is a real treat.
A few years ago, Fluffy Bear and I got a great deal on a three day package, and we both had pretty good incomes back then, so we went for it.
We drove and drove and drove before we reached the park. We went through the gates, and parked our car just inside. A Jeep with our guide and tracker came down to meet us.
They told us that, because they were a very small park, and hadn't been open long, they only had two lions and - lucky for us - they were mating. They explained that, when lions mate, they do it for days, again and again, and they stay in pretty much the same area, so the tracker knew where they were.
"Would you like to be taken to your room and settle in," they asked, "or would you like to go and find the lions?"
Well, D'UH! We chose the lions.
And that's how we found ourselves, 15 minutes after arriving at the park, sitting in an open topped Jeep, ten feet away from two bonking lions.
The next three minutes went something like this:
Lioness: I'm ready
Lion: Again? Already? God...
Lioness: Aw, come on, Honey...
Lion: OOH! Well, if you put it that way...
Lion: Get ready, Baby. Here comes the supertanker!
Lioness: Yeah, right... Just give me some cubs, Big Man
Lion: Mmmm... Yeah... I'm feelin' it!
Lioness: Mmm hmm. Yes. Ooh. Ah. Whatever.
Lion: GRRRRRROWL!
Lioness: What the--? Hey! So soon?
Lion: Yeah! I'm the man! Was that good for you baby?
Lioness: They say you have to roll on your back and wriggle to make sure the sperm... What? Oh, yeah, right. It was great, Baby. You go rest now. Mama will be ready again in a few...
The way a Safari works is this:
They wake you up at Are-you-fucking-kidding-me 'o clock in the morning, escort you from your room (I say room - it was bigger than our flat in London at the time) to the main building (there are no fences, so you are not allowed to leave your room by yourself), you have a quick cup of coffee and get up on the Jeep to go see the animals as they wake up and go hunting. Animals are sleeping in the middle of the day, when it's too hot to get anything done. Yes, they embrace the concept of the Siesta.
After your morning game drive you come back to the main building and eat, and the rest of the day is yours to laze by your private plunge pool, read, lie in a hammock and nap, have a spa treatment... whatever.
In the afternoon, just before sunset, you go on your next game drive. This goes on into the dark, when the tracker and guide show you the nocturnal animals with a massive spotlight on the Jeep.
Frankly, the whole thing is fucking amazing.
Here are some of the highlights...
This guy decided he didn't like us being close to him and started flapping his ears, getting ready to charge the Jeep. Our guide put us into reverse very quickly and we backed up
We watched this young lady fail to catch a buck
This guy wasn't too happy with us getting too close to his family, and came over to explain that we should keep on movin'
A lovely family picture
These guys get a bird's eye view
