Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 35.2

I just went to the coffee shop wearing this T-shirt (available on Threadless here).  

The young guy who took my order started to try and figure out the design.  Then there was a delicious moment when he realized that, to do so, he was staring at my ample bosom (work what God gave you, I say), immediately followed by one of those teenage boy "Oh God, oh God, don't make it obvious.  Just look up at her face.  Look up at her face!" moments.  This all flashed by in miliseconds, but it was highly amusing to witness.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 35.1

You know it's time to get the cleaner back when:

1. You take real pleasure in assembling a Swiffer Duster 
2. You find Charlotte's Web being re-enacted in your living room
3. You glance down at the wash basin while brushing your teeth and are greeted by a pubic hair
4. You have to wear shoes in the house or else little crunchy bits cling to the soles of your feet as you cross the kitchen
5. You turn the oven on and it lets out soft billows of black smoke
6. You open the fridge to a strangely high pitch greeting from a newly grown alien species
7. You turn around to see your dirty clothes walking themselves to the washing machine
8. You notice your dog's hay fever sneezing only kicks in when he is inside
9. You call your dog up onto your bed, but he walks out of the bedroom in disgust
10. You whistle the theme tune from Deliverance and a tumbleweed of dog fur rolls across your path

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 35.0

You know it's time to find a new job when:

1. You put on a baseball cap instead of brushing your hair
   
2. You decide showering every second day is enough
   
3. You get nostalgic about your feminist university days and stop shaving your armpits
   
4. You find a certain joy of accomplishment in cleaning the kitchen
   
5. You run out of laundry to do
   
6. Your makeup is covered in a layer of dust 
   
7. You have opened and dealt with all the snail mail
   
8. You go to the video store and there's nothing that appeals - you've seen everything
   
9. You are up to date on all of your podcasts
   
10. You follow 300 people on Twitter and you feel like you know them all individually

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 29.1

A few days ago I posted about preparing for interview questions.  

When I was preparing to interview a few years ago, I boned up on those "trick questions" you sometimes get.  These used to be a favorite of consultancy firms, but also some large corporates.  

I found a list of them today in some old filing and I have decided to continue my tradition of giving the answers I wish I could give.

• Design a music system for a car.  What are the features?  Draw a picture
  [Takes iPod out of pocket] This a clear enough picture for ya?
• Design a communication device for Canadian park rangers
  Oh come on!  Why replace semaphore?  It's fun to watch Canadians look stupid!  OOH, what's it all ABOOT?  [Laughs hysterically]
• Design a coffee maker that will be used by astronauts.
  Stop wasting my time, dude.  We all know Starbucks has opened six branches up there already.
• What are examples of poorly designed software?
  [Sighs] Man!  Your products!  Where do I begin?  Why don't you just pick one and then we'll discuss it?
• Design an instant messaging system
  I need two cans of peas, a can opener, a ball of string and some scissors.
• I am your grandmother.  Describe what [insert product name here] is to me.
  My grandmother is DEAD, you bastard!
• How do you test a keyboard?
  I hit it on the desk, don't you?
• What method would you use to look up a word in a Dictionary?
  In a WHAT, now?
• How many Christmas trees are there in houses in the world each year on December 25th?
  God doesn't like the pagan symbol of the tree.  It's decadent and wrong and is an offence to his eye.  Shame on thee for idolizing the tree!  For shame!  For shame!

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 29.0

It's hot today.  Very hot.

So I decide I need a drink.  I get a glass out, I get ice out, I get a can of soda water out of the cold cupboard and pour it into the glass, not filling it.  

I think "I need a little flavor" so I open the fridge to get the cranberry juice...

No cranberry juice.

Fluffy Bear shopped at Costco so the juice bottles are big enough to drown an average sized cat, so there's probably another bottle downstairs in the old fridge in the basement.

"But," I think, "if I am going down to the basement I might as well take the washing down and put it on."

So I go to the bedroom and get the washing basket and take it downstairs and put washing liquid in the machine and load the clothes and yell at Puppy Dog for eating something on the basement floor and put the washing machine on.  

Then I go to the old fridge for the cranberry juice...

No cranberry juice.

"OK," I think.  "We're obviously out of cranberry juice.  I'll just have to use orange juice."

So I go back upstairs and I open the fridge and I get out the orange juice and I pour it into the glass which is already two thirds full with sparkling water.  Orange juice is different to cranberry juice.  It's probably some complicated chemical thing.  Point is that orange juice and soda water foams more than cranberry juice and soda water and so next thing I know the drink has bubbled over the side of the glass onto the counter.

I reach for the kitchen roll...

No kitchen roll.

The kitchen roll stock from Costco is in the basement.  I go back downstairs.  

I think: "Well, I might as well get some toilet rolls at the same time.  We're on the last third of the last toilet roll in the loo."

So I get a fresh kitchen roll and look over to where the toilet roll is and the big plastic wrapper from the last big pack of toilet rolls is just lying on the floor.  That irritates me.  I pick it up.  I also pick a fresh pack of toilet rolls up.

I go back up to the kitchen.  I dump the big plastic wrapper and the fresh kitchen roll on the kitchen counter.  I go through to the loo, unwrap the toilet rolls and arrange them nicely in the basket.

I go back to the kitchen.  I unwrap the kitchen roll and put it on it's little stand.  I take the kitchen roll wrapper, the toilet roll wrapper and the big plastic wrapper and squish them into the trash can.

I take some kitchen roll and wipe up the spilled juice.

Now I can have my drink.

And that is an example of how I manage to get through a whole day without doing one constructive job hunting task.  

I think I just heard the washing machine ping.  It must be finished.  I better go get the clothes out...

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 25.1

This week I went to an orientation at the "career transition assistance" service that my ex-employer has engaged for those of us who got laid off.

In case you are lucky enough to have never experienced an career transition firm, they are basically hired to help you find your next job.  You get a career coach, classes on topics like interviewing and resume writing, access to an office where you can use a PC, fax, printer, copier, etc. and internet resources such as a job boards and online training.  They can be very helpful.

Going to the people hired by my ex-employer - let's call them CTA, embracing the awful descriptor "Career Transition Assistance"  - was a very interesting experience. 

First, I had no idea where the hell I was going when I was driving there.  Thank God for sat nav!  At one point I wondered if there was going to be a checkpoint and someone was going to ask me for my passport.  It's pretty much double the distance I used to drive to work.

Second, the office is in a horrible business park, in a nondescript building where CTA is the only tenant on the top floor.  So, as you get out of the elevator, if you look left rather than right, you are met with the encouraging sight of a huge empty office space, pockmarked with little piles of empty cardboard boxes.

Third, my ex-employer has not simply hired an outplacement firm and let them take care of us at their facility.  Nope.  My ex-employer had set up a special office for it's outcasts, manned by CTA staff.   But everything other than the staff is from my ex-employer.  The cube furniture, the equipment, the fridges with sodas, the snack machines, the coffee makers.  The coffee cups have my ex-employer's branding on them!  Way to help us move on!

I noticed all this stuff as I arrived at the facility and, by the time a CTA staff member collected us newbies for the orientation, I was starting to giggle.  It was just so ridiculous.

We were taken on a quick tour of the facility.  90% empty cubes, fax/copier/printer, some notice boards with jobs on them, a conference room, offices with closed doors where the career counsellors worked with their clients.  It was very, very quiet.  

I felt a little reassured when the CTA person explained all the services on offer for us.  Hmm, I thought, this could actually be very helpful.  

"There are so many resources," the CTA person smiled reassuringly, "that you can use to help you in your transition."

"Yeah," said a delightful New Zealander sitting next to me, "but I have to stop feeling pissed off first."

"Oh I know," said the CTA person.  "We have a graph that shows the phases you'll be going through.  I can show it to you."

I'm sure he felt comforted by that.

I could see that this whole thing could be beneficial, but I started to wonder how I could avoid trekking out to this empty cube farm hell every day.  I'd done my research beforehand, so I asked if I could please see a career counsellor in the CTA offices which are much closer to my home.  

"This is the office that [my ex-employer] has set up for you,"  I was told, meaningfully.

"OK," I said, "but where the hell are we?"

Rather than get my joke, the four people in the room with me explained that we were north of X and south of Y and if you go 2 miles down to Z street and turn right, and go another 3 miles, there's a great chain restaurant that does a really good lunch.

I want my next job to be in the city.  These people have suburban stripmallitis.  

"Besides," the CTA person went on, "if you come here this is where the networking really happens."

Oh great.  

I can drive for forty minutes, walk the silent corridors, sit in a soulless cube and, when I cant stand that anymore, I can meet someone in the kitchen and, both holding our ex-employer-branded coffee cups, we can chat about the good old days.  And about how we're moving on up and moving on out.  How it's time to break free, and nothing can stop us.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 25.0

Yesterday was a strange day.

First, some context:  I have been rejoicing and lamenting at the same time.  

Rejoicing for Fluffy Bear, who is working on a start-up and showcasing the intelligence, tenacity and talent that I always knew he had.  He is making real progress because of his hard work and a set of meaningful coincidences which have enabled friends to help his business get on it's feet.

Lamenting for me because I felt that the universe was not showing me clear signs like it seems to be for my husband.

But yesterday I stopped feeling sorry for myself. I realized last night, after my very full day was over, that there had been some signs...

First, I had lunch with an ex-colleague and her daughter.  Let's call my ex-colleague Nancy Drew, because she has an uncanny ability to fix problems.  And let's call her daughter Scarlett O'Hara, because she has such courage under adversity.

Scarlett O'Hara's life changed completely recently when she got a very rare disease.  After seeing a holistic practitioner and having tests, she also found out that she had two major food allergies.  And so her body is riddled with drugs and detoxing from years of eating foods it can't process.  She is tired, in pain and yet still managing to keep her job and live her life.  This huge change is being faced by a young girl whose major decision that day ought to revolve around what shoes to wear and which guy to date.  She is growing up, fast, and will see life completely differently, with a depth and maturity unmatched by many of her peers.

Sign No. 1: Scarlett represents someone facing huge, unexpected change with stamina, courage and grace.  I need to do the same.

Second, I met with She's So Lovely, my therapist.  We talked through what's going on with losing my job, trying to find another one and the fact that, at the moment, I feel like an upside-down swan.

The swan is often used as a metaphor for the perfect party hostess.  What you see is a beautiful, elegant bird, gliding effortlessly across the water.  What you don't see is the strong paddling going on below the surface.

Right now, if you look at me from the waist up, you see a lot of energy, positivity, pro-activeness.  I am networking, going to my old firm's outplacement consultants, sending out my resume, bla bla bla.  But actually, below the surface, I'm not really moving.  From the knees down I'm am sunk into the slushy, gloopy mud of fear and procrastination.  And not only that, sometimes I worry it might not be mud, but quicksand.

I haven't really done deep work on my resume, I haven't evaluated what I want to do and who I want to work for.  I just keep focusing on the large corporates who have offices in my city.  I don't have a plan.  I still haven't unpacked the case of stuff from my old cube. 

I'm stuck.   

She's So Lovely told me two important things.  First, how to do interventions and remind myself that I am talented, intelligent, marketable and would be an asset to any organization.  Second, she advised me to cast my net wider.  Think about jobs that would bring me closer to my creative side, where I'd have fun, be enthused and want to get up and go into work every day.

Sign No. 2: Intervene in stuck thinking and be freed to move forward.

Sign No. 3: Broaden your horizons.  Anything can happen.

Then I went to a networking thing with Fluffy Bear last night.  I'd forgotten how hard networking can be.  It takes energy to go up to total strangers, strike up a conversation and then weave your pitch into it in such a way that it sounds completely natural.

Think of all those radio and TV ads that try to recreate a conversation where one person recommends something to someone else.  Don't they always sound so fake?

So I move through the crowd, promoting my man and his killer idea, conversing with people half to two thirds my age, spilling my drink down my cleavage and getting my lipstick on my teeth. 

And then, just as I am starting to stroke Fluffy Bear's arm in that meaningful way that tells him I want to go home to my couch, fattening food and a mindless DVD, I meet Phoebe.  

I am calling her Phoebe because, like the character in Friends, she is very much in touch with her intuition.  I saw very quickly that she is a very intelligent woman.  She's show great courage in her past and had her taste of corporate America.  But she has a firm belief in keeping her eyes open for the signs that lead you to the right place at the right time.

She felt, a few years ago, that she should go to a country in South America.  She went there, alone, and started walking the streets, talking to people.  She came across families who were trying to rise up out of poverty, perhaps through opening a little tobacco stand, or repairing the roof over their heads.  And so she contacted people back home and began to raise money.  She didn't start an official charity, she just found funds, walked around and helped people.  Every time she thought she could get on a plane to go home, more money would come which she had to find a way to distribute.  Initially planning to be there for a few weeks, she eventually spent six months changing lives for the better, and she has been back to do it again another four times.

There were other personal stories which she shared which I won't go into here, but which clearly demonstrated that you need to listen to that little inner voice which tells you to do something, to go somewhere or to contact someone.  The effects can be life saving.  Literally.

Sign No. 4: Listen to your intuition, for it will lead you where you need to be.

And so I guess I need to apologize to the gods/the universe/my guardian angel/my ancestors - whatever it is that guides and protects us.  I've been bitching and moaning about no clear signs.  But they've been there all the time.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 23.0

I had to fire my cleaner today, and I cried.

I didn't cry because I can't bear the thought of scrubbing my floors myself, I cried for her, and for me.

Why did I cry for her?

I cried for her because I am sure I am not the only who has had to fire their cleaner.  And all the cleaners out there are going to be earning less.  All the people who do services that the middle class decide they can do themselves are going to be earning less.  And these are the people who can't afford to be earning less.

Here are the people who are going to be affected by Fluffy Bear and I being out of work:

1. Cleaner
   
2. Dog poop scoopers
   
3. Personal Trainer
   
4. Nutritionist
   
5. Masseur
   
6. Chiropractor
   
7. Dog groomer
   
8. Doggy day care
   
9. Hairdresser
   
10. Esthetician - I used buy my face products there, now I use off the shelf stuff from the grocery store
    
11. Dog trainer
12. Mowing service
13. Hedge trimming service

These are all people who run small businesses, or work for themselves.

And all because publicly held organizations serve shareholders rather than stakeholders and mistakenly believe that the Federal Government alone should fund a stimulus package.

I want to make T-shirts that say "Reject the Recession!  Buy something!" because each and every one of us who spends less makes this thing a self-fulfilling prophecy.  But I can't.  Because I'd be a hypocrite.  Because I have to spend less.  A lot less.

Why did I cry for me?

I cried for me because we did everything we could to keep our cleaner.  Of all the services we buy, her's was the last to get downsized.  Because we aren't stupid - we can forsee the petty arguments that doing (or not doing) chores around the house are going to bring.  And, with one of us boot strapping a startup and the other looking for work, stress levels are already running high.  

I heard a report on the BBC World Service the other day, centered on the book Getting to 50-50 - How Working Couples Can Have it All by Sharing it All where the reporter warned against getting rid of the cleaner when times are hard.  Easier said than done.

This isn't going to be pretty.

I also cried for me because firing the cleaner was a real sign.  A sign that everything is not OK, that maybe - just maybe - things won't be OK either. 

The event made a little chink in my armor, a little crack in the positive, gung-ho facade.

What if I don't find a job?  

What if our savings run out?  

What if we end up having to leave the US and live with family again?

What if, what if, endless what ifs.

But, here's the thing.

Tomorrow, I'll feel better.  Tomorrow I'll remember that we survived the meltdown in 2001.  Tomorrow I'll feel confident and network and jobhunt and think positive what ifs, like how I'd want my kitchen to be in my dream house.

And I'll buy a floor mop and get ready to clean this house.

Puppy Dog better get over his fear of the vaccuum cleaner, cos I'm gonna run that sucker over his shedding arse every morning from now on...  

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 22.1

After writing my previous post about interview prep, I started thinking about what the worst answers to those common questions might be.....

• What was your worst group experience?  
  Omigod!  Team building!  I hate that crap!  Just let me do my work already!
• What is the one good thing your last manager would say about you?  
  I give good head.
  
• What is the one bad thing your last manager would say about you?  
  That I won't just let him roll over and go to sleep after.
  
• You have six months to do a nine month project, what do you do?  
  Tell those managers where to stick it.  You can have on time, on budget or good quality.  Pick one.
  
• How have you demonstrated leadership at a previous company?  
  I quit before the fuckers could fire me.
  
• Tell me about yourself.  
  My resume is right in front of you.  Isn't that the POINT?
  
• If you could start your career again from the begining, what would you change?  
  I'd become a pimp.  Then at least I could laid.
  
• What would you like to accomplish that you weren't able to in your previous position?  
  The Indian Headstand Kama Sutra position.
  
• Tell me how you would handle multiple projects on the job.  
  Kill the ones I didn't find interesting. 
• Was there ever a time when a project you were working on had major delays?  What did you do?  
  Omigod!  There was this one time, in Frankfurt, where our project was just totally screwed up.  Everybody was freaking out and stabbing each other in the back.  I took a vacation.  I just can't let political crap at my job bring me down, man.
  
• Tell me about a problem that you failed to anticipate.  
  Well, hell, who knew you could get fired for taking your secretary on a little weekend side trip after a conference?  Isn't that what expenses are for?
  
• Which of your accomplishments have given you the greatest satisfaction?  
  That three way I had with my boss and her assistant.  Man, that supply closet will never be the same.
  
• Have you ever had to deal with ethical issues - like race or religion - on the job?  How did you deal with it?  
  You just to have a sense of humor.  I mean, when I called Salim "Saddam" in meetings, he knew I was joking.  We're totally friends.  And our clients totally thought it was funny, too.
  
• Why do you want this job?
  Pays the bills.  What other reason is there.  All you corporate twonks are the same.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 22.0

I had an interview yesterday.

It was through a friend which, once again, just goes to show that firing off resumes through Monster and TheLadders etc. doesn't get you as far as your own network does.

I was a little concerned that the meeting only lasted 40 minutes but I got on very well with the recruiter so maybe she just wanted to do a quick pre-qualify.  It wasn't for a role on their permanent staff, but to work through them if they get a specific consulting placement that I'd be a fit for, so that could also explain why it was a little less rigorous.  

I was looking at the firm's website while I was doing research and dreading having to look through my resume to prepare to speak about each role.  Then I remembered that, back in 2007 when I was job hunting, I wrote a bunch of "stories" about my career as interview prep.  So I dragged them out.

It was great because, even though they didn't cover my last job (obviously) they reminded me of stuff from my previous career.

First, I had a set of PAR sheets.  These were for each job I had.  I chose a story which I could, in theory, weave into a recap of that role.  A story which clearly demonstrated where I had made a contribution.  A clear, concise story on one sheet of paper in this structure:

• Problem - what was the issue
• Action - what I did to solve it
• Result - what was the positive outcome.

Insert trumpeteer here.

Then I found a set of story sheets.  These were responses I'd prepared to common interview questions like:

• Discuss the problems of a previous project.  How would you resolve them now?
  
• What was your worst group experience?
  
• What is the one good thing your last manager would say about you?
  
• What is the one bad thing your last manager would say about you?
  
• You have six months to do a nine month project, what do you do?
  
• How have you demonstrated leadership at a previous company?

etc. etc.

Re-reading these was really helpful in my interview prep.  

Of course I didn't read them enough and practice my answers aloud so they weren't really embedded in my head.  So I didn't remember to tell even one of my stories in the interview.  Ho hum.  Lesson for next time... don't just re-read them... work 'em!

Still, I don't think I did too badly.  

The point which seemed to really resonate with the interviewer was when I was honest about the time I tried to set myself up as an independent consultant.  She chuckled when I told her (don't forget my English accent) that I had been "spectacularly unsuccessful."

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 18.0

A considerably better day than yesterday. 

The sun is shining, my cold is finally clearing up, Peets Coffee made me a perfect blended decaf soy and we just happened to turn down a street that had a new icecream shop on it.  I had a scoop of coffee and one of walnut, in the sweetest, crunchiest, yummiest waffle cone.

Doesn't icecream just make everything OK?  I think it might just be proof that there is a Higher Being.

We took Puppy Dog for a long walk and swim and he was ecstatic.  It's so wonderful to see him bounding across fields, chasing tennis balls at top speed, or jumping into the water, lollopy-swimming through it (he's swims as if he is walking through the water - it's not that graceful), again, to retrieve a little lime green furry, bouncy ball.

Afterwards I happened to see an old colleague who I really hope will become a true friend - she's great.  Seeing her again was a nice way to reconnect with news of people I care about and don't get to see every day anymore.

I oscillate between being proactive and moving on, and grieving.  I guess that's natural.  I still haven't unpacked the case of all the crap I took from my cube.  I think that fact alone is pretty revealing.

But I also have an interview lined up next week, and it's a holiday weekend so - what the heck! - I'm gonna kick back now, watch some mindless TV, and eat something that is very bad for me.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 17.0

Today is a dark day.

I don't know why, but I have started questioning every career path decision I made at my previous employer.  Where did I go wrong?  Why was I so badly positioned that I was one of the 10% to go?

There were moments when I was advised to take a different direction, and I resisted.  Then, when I realized my mistake, and asked to change, I was refused.

And so the inner voices have been berating me, blathering on about mistakes and screw ups and blame.  It's like an orchestra of mean people creating a cacophony of criticism.

Part of me doesn't want to go back there, but part of me does.  A big part of me misses my colleagues who had become sorta-kinda-friends.  

But most of all, the it-always-has-to-be-an-A-grade part of me is standing on a high tower, holding a big bullhorn and screeching "FAILURE!" across the skies.

Deep inside, I know it isn't true.  But, just for today, it feels like it is.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 15.0

I got flowers! 

I was out with some friends and I got this phone call which was incomprehensible.  One of those situations where you have to run outside, explaining you are in a bar and then hope that this isn't a headhunter who works long hours and thinks it's ok to call at 6:30pm and who now thinks you are a drunk.  But no, it was someone saying they had flowers for me and would it be OK to leave them on our front porch.  

I said yes, and felt very sorry for the delivery person, because Puppy Dog, although angelic of face, can sound like a hellhound if anyone approaches his Den.  We also have a screen door, so it can be hard to see exactly how big the snarling barkmachine behind it is if you are standing at the bottom of our three steps wondering if today is a good day to die.  I can only imagine the poor delivery person ran up, plonked the flowers near the door and ran away as fast as his little legs would carry him.

When we got home, there they were - a stunningly beautiful arrangement centered on the protea, a favorite flower of mine for reasons I choose not to tell you.  Sorry, us women need to keep some sense of mystery.

Fluffy Bear had, of course, tried to take credit for the flowers - jokingly of course - but we both knew it wasn't him, so we were both really interested to see who they were from.

And the card read:

Love the blog

Love the protea?

Get well soon!

Everywhereventually

My dearest friend who lives across the pond and still, from afar, can make my day.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 14.0

Well, it's official.  Fluffy Bear and I are both free agents.

As he is very well known in his industry, he's already had three calls from other companies who've heard he's available through the grapevine and want to talk turkey.  So he'll be fine.

I am toying with the idea of us doing something stupid and going away for Memorial Day weekend.  Just get away from it all, have some fun and then do the serious job hunt networking resume editing bla bla bla stuff afterwards.

But how to go away for a weekend and manage to just forget money woes?  Would we be able to not question every restaurant check, not look for the cheaper option on the menu and not make passive agressive toasts to our former bosses?  The whole thing might turn out to be anything but a destress weekend.  Especially for our friends who we're thinking of tagging along with.

Also I have done so much business and personal flying that the thought of even driving to the airport negates the happiness of a weekend away for me.  If it was a two week holiday I can put up with the shit airplane seats, the awful line at security, the moron in front of me who doesn't know they have to take off their shoes before they go through the scanner, but for just a three day weekend?  Hmmmmmm

A cabin in the woods might be nice.  We could take Puppy Dog, have nice walks every day, take our own food... It would be especially good if it had a hot tub.  Mmmmm... Now we talkin'.

Maybe I should do some online searching....

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 13.0

There's a global recession, you're out of work, time to make some changes.  But don't worry!  Because you're already....

Saving money without even trying!

1. You're not commuting to work anymore, right?  Well - and this is especially true if you used to drive every day - you're saving money!  Just think how much money you spend a month on commuting.
2. You're not showering every day anymore are you?  It's OK - you can admit it.  Think of the water bill - you're saving money!
3. If you're a woman who shops at a department store for cosmetics, you have tons of little samples lying around all over the place.  Are they in your makeup drawer?  In the medicine cabinet?  In your business travel bag?  Wherever they are, get them out cos you're about to excite your skin with all sorts of gels and creams instead of stocking up on your usual stuff.  There you go!  You're saving money!
4. You're eating lunch at home instead of the cafeteria or the local Cheesecake Factory, aren't you?  You're saving money!
5. You don't have a Starbucks or Tulleys too close by so I figure you're drinking 0-10% as many overpriced designer coffees than you used to.  You're saving money!
6. You're so depressed you can't get off the couch, can you?  Just think, if you were still working, how many Happy Hour, dinners and movies you would have been to by now in a futile attempt to distract your overactive mind from the nightmare of your Inbox, the maze of office politics and that annoying colleague who just won't leave you alone.  So, by being antisocial, you're saving money!
7. You're sleeping later and later, aren't you?  When you sleep, you don't eat, drink, smoke, turn on the TV - you don't do anything that could up the bills.  By sleeping, you're saving money!
8. You're not washing and styling your hair nearly as often as when you were working, right?  Just think how much shampoo, conditioner and styling spray you're saving, not to mention the electricity that goes into that hairdryer.  By dragging a comb through your hair, sticking in an elastic band and looking like crap cos you're not gonna see anyone today anyway, you're saving money!

So stop worrying about rebudgeting.  You're already cutting back!

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 12.0

How do you know you are an Ex-Employee?

1. You hang up your washing and it is all tracksuits and T-shirts
2. You automatically decline evites to charity events without even reading them
3. There's an indent shaped like your butt in the couch
4. You find yourself wanting to make cupcakes like Martha Stewart
5. You're suddenly as lot less fussy about which shirts need ironing
6. When one of your favorite TV shows has one mediocre episode, you wonder if you should cancel your Cable
7. You buy your latte with a double shot, drink half, take it home, top it up with milk, microwave it and congratulate yourself on economizing
8. You start to turn out the lights whenever you leave a room
9. You pack the dishwasher so tight you and your husband both have to lean on it to get the door closed
10. You take everything out of the old Nordstrom bag that was put aside to donate to charity.  Doesn't mean you're gonna wear it, of course, you just have to accept that, these days, charity starts at home.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 10.0

My cold is like a distant relative that comes to stay and, enjoying the free room and board, just bloody well refuses to leave.

Yesterday I thought I was really getting over it.  Then, last night, I started to get a really bad headache, then I got really hot and sweaty, then I got nauseous, then I threw up.  Drinking Cranberry juice all day makes for psychadelic pink vomit... who knew?

I can't even remember the last time I threw up and, back then, it probably had something to do with alcohol.   If you are drunk, at least you have the boozy glow to protect you from the horror of the feeling of throwing up.

And so today I am trying to take it easy again, but the kitchen doesn't clean itself, the trash is piling up and the dogs are shedding fur balls all over the house.  So some washing up, some vaccuuming and some trash-lugging later, I finally got to hit the couch.  

I guess I should try to do one useful thing today, so I've chosen to do my Excel contacts database. I need to go through my emails and Outlook contacts and extract the name of everyone who might possibly be able to help me or know someone who could. 

I'm going to list:

• Name
• Company
• Who the contact came from (if they are not someone I know personally)
• Contact details
• Date of my contacting them (you don't want to hit them up too often)
• Notes of what happened when I contacted them
  
• Date I should contact them next
  
• Notes of what I want to do when I contact them next

So I'm going to sit in front of the mind-numbing trashy joy that is Bravo TV and get this done.

Or maybe I'll have a nap.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 9.0

The cold virus really seems to be exiting from my body today, but I instinctively know that I should still be resting.  But I can't.

I should be:

• Putting on some washing
• Sorting out all the emails I got after I left my job to make sure those people are all in my Contacts
• Filing all the admin crap that has been piling up in the office
• Researching what the fricking frack COBRA is
• Unpacking the dishwasher
• Cleaning the bathroom
• Doing my UK tax return
• Finishing off my It's the Economy Stupid job-hunting mind map
• Reviewing my resume
• Updating my resume on Monster
• Checking out the Ladders site
• Brushing the dogs
• Dusting the coffee table
• Creating an Excel spreadsheet of contacts, their companies, date of contact, notes, and when to ping them again
• etc. etc. etc.

Instead I fart about playing Lexulous (Scrabble) on Facebook, I open a few pieces of mail, I write a note to myself to remember to do something...

So I do nothing particularly productive but, at the same time, I don't rest.

And so, I am finding a First World Solution to a First World Problem. 

I have taken some of the cough medicine with codeine and I shall soon be completely comatose.

See you when nap time is over...

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 9.0

Just like your car stops making that knocking sound as soon as you drive it to the mechanic, so my cold started clearing up as soon as I went to the Doctor.  I still got a prescription for some killer cough medicine, which knocked me out cold on the couch this afternoon.  Bliss.

Now that the prospect of losing medical insurance looms large, I booked a full physical.  So I was poked and prodded and stuck with needles and weighed and measured and offered all sorts of goodies, like Chantix to quit smoking.  This is the great part of the American healthcare system - that you can get some reeeeeeally good drugs.

But, as I have now lost my job, which had excellent health insurance, I am no longer in the little fluffy coccoon where you get the benefit of the best of American healthcare.  As I sat in the waiting room - saving the other people from my germs by sporting a mask that made me look like Donald Duck - I saw two people come in who don't have my level of cover.  

The first was a young man who struggled to pay an $18 copay.  He had some cash, and put $3 on a debit card.  He was clearly uncomfortable, embarrassed in front of the overly perky Receptionist.  

The second was an older woman who was told that neither Medicare nor her AARP insurance covered the procedure she was there for.  She was clearly annoyed and upset.

And I am about to join these ranks.

This really isn't the best way to get success and performance out of the population of the US.

I am going try and use this as another incentive to get a new job - quickly.

Being uninsured is not an option.

The Doctor also told me about a book that takes a different approach to quitting smoking - the Easyway Method by Alan Carr.   

Apparently he talks about seeing becoming non-smoker as a new freedom, rather than something that has to be given up or overcome.  

He also says that the first cigarette you want to have after quitting shouldn't just be seen as "one little slip" because, as soon as you smoke it, you become a smoker again.  So the first cigarette is:

• All the bad health effects you'll have for the rest of your life
• The money you'll spend on cigarettes the rest of your life.

So that first cigarette means lots of sickness and $10,000.

It's a good way to look at things.  

 

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 8.0

Still sick.

The cold has moved from my chest up into my nose, which is now streaming like a mini-tsunami.

If I think back to Shirley MacLaine's theory - which I have probably misquoted, but bear with me here - that this is dis-ease, then I am a little confused.  With the coughing and sore throat, I understand that perhaps I had something to get off my chest, what with being laid off last week.  But now I have something to get out of my nose?

OK, OK, I shouldn't always mock the tree-hugging Hippie crap.  There is something to a holistic view of the body, of the world.

So if my nose is streaming, maybe I have something that I need to let go of out of my head.

(Sidenote: Watching Sesame Street about penguins.  "There's no business like snow business" - LOL!  Waaay better than the IQ-lowering morning shows.)

OK, so what do I need to get out of my head?

(Hang on, I have to sing the Penguin song with Elmo...)

I'm back.  I shouldn't have tried to sing.  

Anyway...

My head, my head... what do I need to get out of my head?

I guess... negative thoughts?  Seems too obvious, really.  OK let's get them out there:

• It will take too long for FBear and I to find our next jobs and we'll run out of savings
• FBear and I won't find jobs in the same city
• I won't find a job
• I'll have to work for a lot less money
• I won't have the energy to look for a job

OK, enough.  Because I actually don't believe any of this.  We've been through way worse before (take a bow for the nice ladies and gentlemen, DotComBubbleBurst!) and we came out the other side with better jobs in a better place.  We're both better qualified, more savvy and still flexible about what we do and where we live.  We really are going to be just fine.

So.... Maybe I need to stop over-thinking this and accept I just have a cold.

OK.  I can do that.

So I'm cooking up a brew.  There's fresh grated ginger and fresh squeezed organic lemon juice and a fresh cinnamon stick.  Unfortunately I forgot to get honey so I had to carve some crystallized New Zealand stuff out of an old jar, but let's not be too fussy.

It's all stewing in water on the stove and I am enjoying thinking "Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble" when I stir it.  I am not actually saying it out loud, because I still sound like the bastard child of Kathleen Turner and James Earl Jones.

So never mind the excessive introspection, it's time to get some more witches brew, turn up the volume on Curious George and lay back on the couch.

Aaaaaaah....