Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 22.1

After writing my previous post about interview prep, I started thinking about what the worst answers to those common questions might be.....

• What was your worst group experience?  
  Omigod!  Team building!  I hate that crap!  Just let me do my work already!
• What is the one good thing your last manager would say about you?  
  I give good head.
  
• What is the one bad thing your last manager would say about you?  
  That I won't just let him roll over and go to sleep after.
  
• You have six months to do a nine month project, what do you do?  
  Tell those managers where to stick it.  You can have on time, on budget or good quality.  Pick one.
  
• How have you demonstrated leadership at a previous company?  
  I quit before the fuckers could fire me.
  
• Tell me about yourself.  
  My resume is right in front of you.  Isn't that the POINT?
  
• If you could start your career again from the begining, what would you change?  
  I'd become a pimp.  Then at least I could laid.
  
• What would you like to accomplish that you weren't able to in your previous position?  
  The Indian Headstand Kama Sutra position.
  
• Tell me how you would handle multiple projects on the job.  
  Kill the ones I didn't find interesting. 
• Was there ever a time when a project you were working on had major delays?  What did you do?  
  Omigod!  There was this one time, in Frankfurt, where our project was just totally screwed up.  Everybody was freaking out and stabbing each other in the back.  I took a vacation.  I just can't let political crap at my job bring me down, man.
  
• Tell me about a problem that you failed to anticipate.  
  Well, hell, who knew you could get fired for taking your secretary on a little weekend side trip after a conference?  Isn't that what expenses are for?
  
• Which of your accomplishments have given you the greatest satisfaction?  
  That three way I had with my boss and her assistant.  Man, that supply closet will never be the same.
  
• Have you ever had to deal with ethical issues - like race or religion - on the job?  How did you deal with it?  
  You just to have a sense of humor.  I mean, when I called Salim "Saddam" in meetings, he knew I was joking.  We're totally friends.  And our clients totally thought it was funny, too.
  
• Why do you want this job?
  Pays the bills.  What other reason is there.  All you corporate twonks are the same.

Comments

[Debineezer]

Ok, next time you need to tell me to close my windows before reading this late at night. I hate the whole neighborhood to hear me laugh.

[Tracy]

There should be a warning--I'm reading this in a meeting and trying to stifle my laughter and dab the tears from my eyes!! This MUST be shared. Can I, please, please can I?

[Ittybittycrazy]

Of course!