Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 7.1

Fluffy Bear is also being given a package by his company, by mutual agreement.  This process started long before there was any inkling that I'd be laid off, but it finally seems to be moving forward.  

This is a very good thing for Fluffy Bear and now frees him up to do something really cool in an industry where he has an excellent reputation, a huge amount of knowledge and an even bigger mountain of contacts.

Interesting that we are both coming free at the same time....

Does this mean some kind of new start is in the air?

A new city?

A new country?

We've been here two and a half years - it's been nice but, if a new adventure is around the corner, I say LET"S GO!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO.

This could be fun!

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 7.0

Somewhere in my lymph glands the right weapon to attack this particular virus was found and Operation Kill Cold was launched.  No doubt the battles were fierce and bloody - I don't know for sure, I was asleep. But the green splooge that is being hacked up means that the war is won!

It's a sign.

Time to quit whining.

Time to be pro-ACTIVE!

[Insert fanfare here]

The future career search will be divided into two workstreams:

1. It's the Economy Stupid!
2. Climb Every Mountain

The first is about getting that next job immediately.  Get the paycheck, make sure the job is bearable, that's about it.

The second is about taking some time to think about what I really want, what my ideal job would be and how I might make it happen.

The end result will probably be something that sits somewhere in the middle of those two - a job I get reasonably quickly that I pretty much like.

And so it's time to mindmap the personal network, research the organizations, start brushing up the resume.

I didn't tell you before but I actually had an interview a few days after I got canned, which was fantastic.   I felt great being immediately put forward for a role by a colleague, I enjoyed meeting the managers at the other firm, and it was nice to be reminded that there is a whole world out there ripe for exploration.

The role didn't pan out but that wasn't because of me - it's because the hiring firm chose someone put forward by another vendor.  I've still met those guys and had some interview practice and it's all good.

I have also decided that having this vile cold is a great opportunity to detox from nicotine.

Goddamn - when did I become so annoyingly positive?

Maybe I need me some Despondex. 

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 6.0

Some dear friends of ours came around for brunch today. Let's call them Jack and Jill.

Jill has just finished a contract and so, like me, is home during the day now, like me.

We were joking about our demise....

We've gone from Double Income, No Kids to Single Income No Kids.

From DINK... To SINK

Does that mean that, because they were here having brunch, that we were SYNCHING while we were SINKing?

Yeah, yeah, I know, I need to up my meds.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 5.1

After reading this post, you are going to know why I named my Blog the way I did.

So I'm sitting in the car, sore throat, tight chest, coughing, waiting for Fluffy Bear to pick up some takeout. And I start thinking about a Shirley MacLaine book I read years and years and years and years ago. I can't remember what it was called.

Anyway, she spoke about how disease is really dis-ease and how everything, ever person, every experience we bring into our lives is no accident - we brought it to ourselves because we need it, because we have something to learn from it.

In other words, if you are a dancer and you sprain your ankle, maybe you really didn't want to dance the lead and so you're giving yourself a way out.

So it follows that dis-ease can be healed by facing that will is putting us ill at ease.

So I began to think... my throat is sore, my chest hurts. Maybe I have something to say, someting to literally get off my chest.

And so I started to say it, all alone, there in the car.

"It shouldn't have been me."

I said it again and again and again and again. I emphasized different words. I backed up what I was saying with different thoughts:

• It shouldn't have been me that got canned - [X person] is way crappier at his job


• It shouldn't have been me - I've tried to work really hard to deliver results


• It shouldn't have been me - I had just started to find a good work-life balance


• It shouldn't have been me - what did I do wrong?

But the emotions didn't really surface. I didn't start to cry or get angry. I just felt removed from it all. Numb.

The only thing that happened was that this strange woman with a pudding bowl haircut walked past the car and raised both arms to wave at me. I don't know who she was. I am not sure she knew who I was.  She didn't smile.  It was very strange.

And I'm still getting stuff off my chest - and it's very, very gloopy.

Thanks a lot, Shirley MacLaine.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 5.0

Someone, somewhere, dared to breathe out their revolting germs and, immune system compromised by stress, I caught their cold.

And so.... If I take a deep breath I pay homage to Darth Vader, if I talk it conjures up Patty and Selma Bouvier and if you had to desribe my dress style you'd say I'm dolled up like Ugly Betty from a parallel universe where she lives in a trailer park,doesn't brush her hair and wears her food-stained gown all day. And every few minutes my chest contracts, my throat heaves and I spew out something that should only ever be a special effect in a horror film.

At moments like these, the Couch is the best place to be. Cable TV offers endless entertainment options, you can slip into a little nap whenever you want, and there's a convenient coffee table to hold all the medicine, tissues, water, hot tea, orange juice, hot water bottle.

So no research or job sites or outplacement firms today.

Just couch.

And coughing.

And asking Fluffy Bear to bring me things. Every cloud... (hehe)

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Cube Feedback

In Diary of an Ex-Employee Day 3.0 I described the various fantasies I'd had about decorating my cube after I was canned from my job, and I asked for other ideas.

Thanks to everyone who's sending feedback!

More ideas for how I should have left my cube after I was canned:

• Fake bullet holes


• Fake blood spatter


• A bottle of red wine, a wine glass, a bowl of peanuts


• Deck chair, a bottle of sunscreen, a beach towel, sunglasses, a beach ball

Any more ideas? Answer in the comments or mail me at ittybittycrazy@gmail.com.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Feedback

Various ideas are coming in about what I should have done to my cube when I left (see Day 3.0).

Fluffy Bear says I should have covered my desk in Plushy Guts, seeing as they ripped mine out...

You got any thoughts on what I should have left in my cube? Let me know in the Comments!

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 4.0

Today began with housework.

Might as well get used to it - the Cleaner (she's amazing) is going to have to go. I unpacked the dishwasher, put newly dirtied stuff into it, washed up the stuff that shouldn't go in there, gathered up glasses and cups that were sitting around the house... sound boring and mundane? It was.

I also put empty cans of Canada Dry soda water in the recycling pile. Will have to say goodbye to that - tap water from now on.

I know, I know, I am sure you think I am being a Petty Pouty Princess. Kazillions of people clean their own houses. But, you see, that's not the point.

I call it the Princess and the Pea syndrome.

It doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, male of female, celebrity or nobody. Unwanted change hurts.

A few days ago, an e-friend (someone I only know online) posted a link to this article about a TARP wife (spouse of a bailed out banking CEO) with the comment "Oh Boo Hoo!" I know it's easy to deride those who seem more fortunate (a.k.a. rich) than us when they fall on hard times. "Now you bloody well know what it feels like for the rest of us" is the general way of thinking.

But - and I hate to break it to you - no, they don'tknow what it feels like to be you. No one knows your particular pain, challenges, triumphs. And - by the same token - you shouldn't presume to know theirs.

We all live our own lives, go through our own experiences, but empathy comes from what we have in common - our shared basic emotions, fears, joys.

• TARP Wife has to try to continue to be strong, to look like everything is OK so that she can remain part of her social set, or she'd be ousted and alone = Fear of being rejected from the tribe


• TARP Wife wonders if she is going to lose people, people that she loves, that she saw every day. Will they stay in touch now opportunities for contact aren't so convenient? = Sadness at the thought of missing people you care about


• TARP Wife is worried that her life will change, that she will have to more into new territory she doesn't know how to navigate = Fear of the of unknown


• TARP Wife knows that doing new things, in new ways, is going to be hard. She's wondering if she can handle this - can she be strong enough? = Basic insecurities


• TARP Wife still goes to the charity events, but cannot contribute like before, which is humiliating = Embarrassment in front of peers


• TARP Wife isn't sure how bad this is all going to get. She didn't see this coming so who knows what else lies in wait, growling low and threatening in the dark? Is something more coming? How much is coming? Will it all add up to so much that it takes her down, and she never finds a way back to this place, this life that she worked so hard to build? No insurance policy covers this! = Fear of losing everything you worked so hard for

No, I'm not a TARP Wife. But I guess losing a well-paid white collar job makes me TARP Wife Ultra Lite.

And so, yes, I hate doing housework. Not only because I have a low disgust threshold and a high physical-activity-laziness quotient, but because it's a sign that things have changed, things are less sure, adjustments and compromises will have to be made.

And it's scary.

And it's sad.

And it sucks.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 3.0

Today was the day of:

1. Last journey into the office
   
2. Clearing the desk
   
3. Farewell lunch with colleagues
   
4. Final handover with boss

Last journey into the office

The journey into work was a little surreal.

First, there was a car in front of me that had been parked under a cherry blossom last night. There were fallen petals all over it that kept flying off towards me. It was like a parade of confetti celebrating my final return to this workplace.

Second, the Gods of radio were sending me messges with every song that was played. Isn't it funny how, in times of high emotion, all songs seem to be about you?

• It's the end of the world as we know (and I feel fine) - R.E.M.
  
• Pale Shelter (what they gave me - I thought my job was safe) - Tears for Fears
  
• One way or Another (I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha) - Blondie

Third, when I arrived at the garage to park, my first Nemesis at this job was in front of me. She is a really difficult woman, always poker faced - actually, always sour faced - and any meeting with her was an ordeal.

Thank God I changed roles and didn't have to deal with her anymore but, whenever I did see her, I would kill with kindness. I'd raise my voice three octaves and give her my best Californian Happy Girl greeting, with a Hollywood smile. She'd usually ignore me. Today, though - on my last day - she smiled at me as I got out of the elevator. I was a small, tortured upturn of the corners of the mouth but, what the hell, it counts.

Clearing the desk

Clearing the desk went pretty quickly, not least because I was running late and only had twenty minutes to do it before I had to be at the lunch. I ended up with a carry on luggage case full of crap - damn, I need to learn to keep my life at home!

I thought long and hard about what to do with my cube. Here are some of the ideas I had:

• Cover the cube in fake spiderwebs
  
• Buy a bunch of red roses and leave them on my desk to die, black petals dropping off onto the desk


• Cover the cube with those awful inspirational posters like this


• Cover the cube with mock inspirational pictures like this


• Leave everything the way it was with plans, diagrams, to do lists all over the place, with a blow up doll in my seat

This is all FANTASY, you understand. I didn't do anything on my way out.

The Farewell lunch

There were about 20 people, which was very flattering. I've worked with some really cool people and there are a few that I genuinely will keep in contact with.

I found it interesting that no-one from my new team came - it was all people from my previous team, and even my first manager, who has moved on to a totally different group.

Some people had genuinely good advice to share, and others made offers to connect me to people they knew in other companies.

Still others had to get an explanation of the subject line of my goodbye email "So long, and thanks for all the fish." You have to take a deep breath and remember to respect cultural differences at moments like that.

But, really, they're a good bunch.

I had to leave to go to my handover meeting with my boss, but it looked like they were in the bar for the long haul. I got a text at 5:30pm to tell me they were still going. It makes me feel a little happy that my leaving can drive my ex-colleagues to drink.

Final Handover with Boss

The Gods of radio were on form again. The last song I heard before arriving at my boss' building was Harden my Heart:

I'm gonna harden my heart

I'm gonna swallow my tears

I'm gonna turn and lea-heave you-hoo here....

My boss is a very nice man, and I genuinely don't think that he wanted things to turn out this way. On the other hand, a nagging voice in my head tells me he didn't fight hard enough for me. There are other sub-departments in our group where no-one has left so their manager obviously found a way to keep them.

Anyway, I handed over the PC, the company credit card, the parking pass, etc.

I started to go through my work and who needed to do what, but he really didn't seem to give a crap about that, telling me I needed to concentrate on my next steps, bla bla bla. Isn't it nice when you're leaving nobody cares that the work you're doing is going to stop?

Life lesson: Make sure you get on projects which are high visibility and you have knowledge that everyone needs to keep.

He said that I'd handled the exit meeting the other day very well and he was proud of me. I guess that's a compliment although it felt a little fatherly.

And so we said goodbye and that was that.

I wasn't particularly sad leaving and driving home for the final time. I guess if I had thought ahead I'd have loaded up my iPod with "I will Survive" and sung it at the top of my voice, probably intermittently out of tune.

It was pissing with rain and there was a lot of traffic, which was a pity, because what I would have liked to have done was to drive fast and loose and stupid, singing to 80s hits, wee wee wee wee all the way home.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 2.2

The reaction of friends to the new Ex-Employee status is just as interesting as the reaction of colleagues (see Day 2.0). The emphasis here is more on moral support, which is just as needed as network contacts, but some are offering to forward my resume too, which is fantastic.

Being a modern woman, I announced my new status on Facebook - where else?

Here are the reactions I got:

• Some friends expressed dismay


• Some friends sent encouraging messages
  
• Some friends called me from many timezones away to see if I was OK


• Some friends reassured me with news of others in the same boat i.e. I am not alone


• Some friends offered a shoulder to cry on in an appropriate setting i.e. somewhere that serves alcohol


• Some friends offered distractions which I can now indulge in out of the 925 e.g. dog walks, lunch, etc.


• Some friends offered sage advice, borne out of having been there themselves


• And some friends brought round some of their Xanax stash.

I say this without sarcasm or irony.

I am blessed with wonderful friends.

Right now, I especially love Xanax Man.

Aaaaaah... All is well with the world...

How long before this stuff becomes addictive? He said that after one month I gotta start paying him the way only a lady can...

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 2.1

I have joined the ranks of the non-925ers.

Today I went to an 8:30 yoga class.

No executive women prancing in to the locker room in high heels with their gym kit in a designer holdall. No 40ish balding men pushing themselves harder than they should, making ooomph noises on the weight machines.

Nope.

Housewives and retirees.

For the men especially, clothing was far, far less trendy. See the older gentleman in the light grey, loose tracksuit pants, waistband just under his nipples, bottom of the legs tucked into his socks.

For the women, hair was far more messy. See the two women with the flyaway, uncombed, hair, expensive defrizzing sprays clearly no longer on the shopping list.

The atmosphere was wonderful - completely different to the worker bee gym hours.

Voices were lower, movements were slower, this was not a place for stress. Also, people clearly knew each other, chatting and catching up, waving greetings as they laid their mats out.

The class was soft, stretchy, sweet and destressing.

Purrrrrrrrrrrrrfect.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 2.0

Ah yes, the Seven Stages of Grief.

Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.

The meeting request came at 7:25 for a face to face session at 8:30. I was at the gym being punished by my personal trainer, Silent Evil, so was blissfully unaware of the shitstorm brewing. When I got home I saw the invite, contacted my boss, and the meeting was rescheduled for later in the afternoon. I suspected, but I didn't quite get it.

All through the day the instant messages and emails were flying. Jokes in the office like "How you doing?" answered with "Well, I'm still here." I kept my head down and worked like crazy. I still didn't get it.

I went to the meeting room for the 3pm session. It was an office, far away from where my colleagues sit. Hmmm, I thought, why aren't my boss and I just meeting in his office? I might have been starting to get it.

And then, the meeting itself. The HR Drone was there. Ah, now I get it.

My poor, sweet boss practically read from a script, talking about economic conditions and streamlining. I didn't question him on anything - it clearly wasn't a very fun moment for him.

The HR Drone - who I had clashed with in the past - warning to all, never piss off HR - said there was a pack of information for me and I could take it home and ask questions later, or he could go through it. Fuck you, I thought, I'm not making this easy for you. "Let's go through it," I said, and prided myself on making as much eye contact with him as possible as he listed the various information. He broke eye contact a bunch of times - each moment he had to look away was a small, petty triumph for me.

Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.

As HR Drone came to the end of his schpiel, he said that, of course, if I have any questions I can save them for later when I've had time to digest it all, and I can call him at any time, and gave me his card. Nice try on steering me to let you off easy, I thought. You damn fecking right I have questions.

"I'd like to know," I said, "about the wider context of this decision. My question is - Why me?"

HR Drone opened his mouth to spout some scripted BS but I cut him off.

"I actually want [My boss] to answer that," I said.

My boss explained that, with the pending department reorganization, they had mapped out the new requirements, looked at the skills available and found that there were duplicates.

Color me crazy, but I do believe this, to some degree. The company has a lot of reorgnizations and my upper management must have considered everyone they have accross the globe. And the skills track that I have been on - Six Sigma and Project Management - is a combination of (a) a skillset that hasn't really found a lot of buy-in in the organization and (b) a skillset where there are a lot of people more qualified and experienced at it than me. So I guess it makes sense, really.

Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.

I didn't really get angry in the meeting. But I know that the 7 stages aren't linear and I sure as hell am feeling some of that today.

They said on the news that just over 1,000 people got canned in my neck of the woods. Considering the number of employees of my firm in this area, that's only 4%. How the hell did I end up being one of the 4% that is considered Surplus to Requirements? I should be in the top 4% of performers, Goddammit!

First, anger turned inward on myself.

Should I have worked harder, longer hours? Did I get sucked into the corporate BS that told us we should "collaborate" by sharing the credit for a project with a colleague instead of just taking it over and making it my own? Should I not have worn amusing T-shirts, made sure I had makeup on every day? Should I have searched high and wide for a meaningful project and then muscled my way onto it? Should I not have emailed an question to the CIO? Should I have not taken work time to go for medical appointments?

Second, anger directed at other people.

Is there anyone else in my group that got canned too? Or is it just me? I mean - come on! - there are some people that are not as good at their jobs as I am. Did I seriously get shafted and not them?

What about all the people who stiffed me? What about the guy who bitched in a meeting in front of my boss and all my colleagues that I had contacted one of his stakeholders, when my boss had told me to? What about the guy that blamed me for doing a project that had some work in it that overlapped with his, because he believed that his team owned this area, and my boss believed we owned that area, and they just weren't talking to each other? What about that HR Drone I once shat on by email because he chastised me and cc'd my boss? What about the guy who just didn't do what he was asked to do and, when I asked my boss for help handling him, I was told that I should learn to improve my impact and influence over others?

So now I'm thinking, will I really miss these people?

No, but they were in the minority. There were some really cool colleagues there.

But, sadly, the minority is often the most vocal. Did their voices stack against me, blacken my dance card? Can I blame them for this?

Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.

Bargain attempt 1: I was told that my network access was going to be cut off later that day. I asked how I could look for other internal jobs when I had no network access. Sorry, HR Drone told me, usually people are given time to do that but, because of the large cuts today and the fact that there really are no open positions, network access is being cut off this time.

Bargain attempt 2: I asked whether, in the new organization that was being planned, there were any posts that weren't filled. There were none, HR Drone said very firmly, and there was no headcount available in the entire extended department.

Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.

I actually got a bit pissed off at myself. After holding eye contact with HR Drone throughout his scripted monologue about the GetTheFeckOut Information Packet, I suddenly started to tear up. I really didn't want to cry.

But then I thought, What the hell. Men hate it when women cry so I shouldn't try to disguise it too much. Let them feel uncomfortable.

But the final straw was my boss trying to say a little something personal at the end about his regret. And the sad thing is that I really did enjoy working for him. The third manager in less than 2 years at the company, he was finally someone who seemed to have my best interests at heart and wanted me to progress and do well.

But he obviously hadn't fought hard enough to keep me, and that made me sad. It still does.

Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.

Having only 12 minutes of network access left, I stayed in the building and sent a message to my team and closest colleagues explaining that I was leaving. I asked them outright for help with contacts and their network.

It's very interesting the reactions you get. Your suspicions about who will become part of your business network, who will remain an acquaintance, who will become a friend and who'll you never speak to, hear from or miss are pretty much confirmed within half an hour of the email going out.

• Some don't email you at all. Nuff said.


• Some send platitudes about hoping the economy improves and don't include personal emails. So long.


• Some send personal information with a vague promise to stay in touch, which you reciprocate but you know neither of you will honor. Whatever.


• Some send invitations to connect on LinkedIn, which makes perfect sense. Good move.


• And some give you real recommendations, information and contacts. Bless their hearts.

Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

I don't know if I have reached this yet. Probably not. I'll keep you posted.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 1.0

The greed grew, the financial instruments got too complex, the oversight was shoddy, the focus narrowed on shareholder rather than stakeholder value, a few companies crashed, everyone lost confidence, even organizations with huge cash reserves had to promise the market cut backs and wham! BAM! Thank you M'am... I got laid off this afternoon.

Emotional journey today... I travelled through, around, and back to one or more of the following towns:

• Why Meville


• Thisuckston


• New Migraine


• Itill Allbe OKrellie


• Iscrewed Upborough


• Itbetternot Justbe Mevale


• Iwanna TheirEyes Outclaw


• Insanity Grove


• Cryme Ariver


• Kiss Mybottom


• Feelingdown


• Letsgo Climbanew Mountain


• Ican Dothis

What highs and lows and twists and turn await us on this new journey?

Tune in, dear friends, and find out.

I will chronicle it day by day for your amusment and to preserve what's left of my sanity.