Pic - Our new baby

 

Quote Unquote - Breeding

Sue Sylvester, cheerleading coach in Glee, talking to the wife of the Glee Club teacher, Will Schuester.

"I've always thought the desire to procreate showed deep personal weakness.  Me?  Never wanted kids.  Don't have the time, don't have the uterus."

Quote Unquote - Bile

 

Sue Sylvester, the cheerleading coach, in Glee, interrupting a conversation between the Glee Club's teacher, Will Schuester, and the Guidance counsellor, Emma Pillsbury:

Sue:  "Oh dear God!  Please, please stop talking.  I am trying desperately to ignore the trickly sweet inanity of your asinine conversation, but now I've got bile in my mouth!  And I will hold my tongue no further!  [Holding up a clipboard.]  You know what this is?  It's a list of my cheerleaders.  Every week I pick someone at random, and kick 'em out."

Will: "Yeah well, in Glee Club, we do things a little differently."

Sue:  "Oh yeah, Will?  How's that working out for ya?  You have to remember something - we're dealing with children.  They need to be terrified.  It's like mother's milk to them.  Without it, their bones won't grow properly.  So if you want results from a kid, you find that competitive element within, and unleash it!  OK.  [Getting up to leave the room.]  Oh, and that blouse [looking at Emma] is just insane." 

Post-its of wrath - My birthday

 

These post-its are not real.They are just in my head. I love my husband. Seriously.

Dear Fluffy Bear

My birthday is coming up.  

You are a man.  

Man = boy + geek.  

Buying you a birthday present is pretty easy.  It needs to be a toy, and it needs to be electronic.  End of story.

As you know, I am a woman.

Woman = girl + sex bomb + mother + cleaner + philosopher + culture vulture + friend + confidant + fashionista + chef + karaoke queen + stand-up comedian + secretary + project manager + politician + taxi driver + yoga junkie + make up artist + skincare consultant + hairdresser + interior designer + real estate agent + OK let's just leave it here or I'll be here all night.

So here are a few pointers to help you choose my birthday present:

• Anything that can be used in the house by both of us --> Not a valid birthday present
• Anything that needs a charger, or you to "install" it --> Not a valid birthday present 
• Anything that is considered "useful" --> Not a valid birthday present
• Anything that is involves us going to a nice store and you taking out your credit card --> You're getting warmer
• Anything that turns out to be EXACTLY what I dropped major hints about while watching TV --> You're pretty safe 
• Anything small and shiny, that comes in a nice box --> Now you're talking

 To read more in the Post-its of Wrath series, click here.

Hello from Puppy Dog - Arby Tum

 

Hello Friends!

Today Mama took me to a place she calls Arby Tum.  I don't know why it has such a silly name, but there are lots and lots and lots of trees.  And you know what that means, right?

Lots and lots and lots of EVIL SQUIRRELS!

I could smell them everywhere.

I could smell the tracks of their evil clawed little feet.

I could smell the shed hair of their evil fluffy tails.

I could smell them in the trees, their evil, beady little eyes looking down on me from a height just beyond what I can climb.

I need you to understand me.  They are EVIL.

THEY HAVE TO DIE!

They are also very clever.  I sniffed and sniffed and tracked and tracked and I didn't see one of them!

EVIL GENIUSISSES!

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

He Said She Said - IM is love

 

He was on a business trip.  They were on IM, each on their laptop, both in bed.

"My room is tiny," he said.

"Well come home then," she said.  "Our bedroom is just fine."

"LOL," he said.  Then:  "I had some good meetings today."

"Yeah, and some good parties," she said.

"Networking parties are boring.  You know that," he said.

"Oh right.  Except for the one where they flew in that girlie band," she said.

"Honey," he said.  "They were gyrating on stage to an audience of geeks.  Just standing there.  Holding their drinks."

"They didn't even clap along?"

"You can't clap when you are holding a free drink in one hand!"

"You could put the drink down," she said.

"Honey," he said.  "Scroll up.  They were *free* drinks.  You don't let that go."

 "Wow.  You geeks sure do cut loose..."

"Would you rather I cut loose?"

"Hell no!" she said.  "I want you to be on the phone to me when a prostitute approaches you in Barcelona and I want to hear you say No, gracias like last year."

"That was pretty funny."

"No, it wasn't.  It *would* have been funny if you had given me the phone and put it on speaker so I could tell her to fuck off in Spanish."

"Do you know how to say fuck off in Spanish?"

"No.  But I am sure I could have said it in English and she would have got my meaning from the tone of my voice."

"She probably wasn't Spanish anyway.  She was probably Eastern European."

"Irrelevant.  I am sure every prostitute speaks Wife."

 "No doubt," he said.  Then:  "I have to go to sleep.  Early morning."

"I bet you say that to all the girls," she said.

"Ha ha.  Goodnight.  I love you."

"I love you too.  Sleep well.  XXX"

"XXXX  ZZZZZZ"

Pic - Ten minutes after vacuuming

 

Divided by a Common Language - Today, I don't want to live here

 

I was at Costco today, and I passed the table of books for sale.  There, in the middle, were three piles of books by Glenn Beck.

Glenn Beck is a radio and TV personality on the much vilified Fox News channel (called Fucked News, Fox Skewed, Faux News, Fox Noise, Fox Spews) which is blatantly conservative. 

Glenn Beck, too, is blatantly conservative, famous for reports like his finding "Communist" art on the buildings around where he works in Manhattan.

Needless to say, I don't share his political views. 

But, so what?  

That doesn't explain why I found myself stepping over to the table, grabbing the books next to the Glenn Beck stack and trying to cover up all his books so no-one would buy them and muttering "No-one should give this man any money!"

As I was being completely irrational, an older woman, perhaps in her 60s or 70s, well groomed, came up to the table and started moving the books that I was using to cover Glenn Beck.

"Have you ever actually listened to him?" she asked me.

"Yes Ma'am, I have," I said and, realizing I was being completely nuts, walked away.

As I left, I felt a sadness, a weight bear down on me.  

Fluffy Bear had heard the exchange.

 "What's up, honey?" he asked me.

"These are the times," I told him, "when I am not sure if I want to live here."

"Aw honey," he replied.  "Don't worry about it.  Uber-Conservatives ran this country for the last 8 years and they managed not to break it."

"OH YES THEY DID!" I screeched.  "The financial collapse, the war, the national debt..."

 "OK, honey, take deep breaths..."

I did, but the sadness didn't lift and here I am, hours later, still thinking about this incident.  

Why am I going against everything I usually believe in and, instead of allowing others their views and opinions, thinking they are wrong?  Why am I so concerned about the vocal rise of the Conservatives since Obama took office?  Why does living in America, where I have a lovely home in a great town, amazing friends, wonderful scenery, feel like a guilty pleasure on a day like this?

I am an open-minded person, who is very tolerant of people's views, no matter what they are.

I grew up in South Africa, for God's sake.

I remember staying with friends in the North of the country and going shopping.  In the mall, there was a table with the AWB (Afrikaner Weerstandsbeweging), the closest thing South Africa has to the Klu Klux Klan.  

I didn't run up to them and cover up their books.  I didn't go over and argue with them.  

I just felt sorry for them, these people who were at the bottom of the White ladder and therefore having most to lose from the emancipation of the disenfranchised Black community.  

I didn't feel threatened by them.  I didn't feel like my country was in a downward spiral.  In fact, quite the opposite.  Even back in early 90's, we knew that positive change was coming.

Here, in a country that never institutionalized racism into law, the history currently being written is very different to South Africa's.

Unlike the AWB, who operated on the fringes, the right wing here has the might of the Fox channel, and people like Glenn Beck and Russ Limbaugh shouting across the airwaves, legitimizing their views as "news."  

Unlike Mandela and De Klerk, a revolutionary embraced by a member of the old guard - black meeting white with mutual respect - the right wing here refers to a mixed race man as Black and someone takes a gun to a rally where he is appearing.  

Unlike South Africa, where there was one key issue - giving Black people the vote so they could vote in their own representation - the right wing here is jumping on all sorts of issues which it says will ruin their country.  Someone yells at a person in a wheelchair at a healthcare town hall meeting "I am not paying for your medical bills!"  There are Tea Party meetings, referring to the famous incident in Boston, protesting against government spending and taxation.  Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and others cheer when Rio wins the 2016 Olympics instead of Chicago, calling it the world rejecting Obama.

Why this noisy, cruel vitriol?

I wonder if the American culture - so successfully exported worldwide - may now be the very thing that is killing it's maker.

A country that has a very strong ethic of personal accountability and believes in the ability of the individual to achieve the American dream is not a country that believes in personal sacrifice for the common good.  

It's not even a country.  It's a set of "United States" and many say centralized government - whose very existence is to serve the common good - needs to "stay out of people's lives."  

But... here's why I worry.  Because...

...in a world where nature and globalization don't allow each US state to be self-sufficient, working together, for everyone's common good, has to start sometime 

...in a world where jobs can be done remotely and we are all moving towards a knowledge economy, having excruciatingly high university fees, intelligent kids who can't afford education and interference in schooling by Christian fundamentalists is going to affect you economically

...in a world where the USA's economy is intertwined with everyone else's, having people choose their jobs based on healthcare benefits, sending people into bankruptcy due to unforeseen medical bills and strangling new enterprise with over-large healthcare and pension bills, is going to cause the USA to continue to slip and slide into economic chaos

...in a world where we are all suffering economically, having inefficient, over-bloated healthcare system that doesn't take care of everyone is not only unethical, it's doesn't make good financial sense.

If things keep going badly, if the USA doesn't make major changes, the future is bleak.  

Really bleak.

And every old lady that buys into Glenn Beck and exercises her vote, keeps the USA headed down it's road to economic, political and environmental doom.

And I love my life here.  I love my friends.  I love the landscape.  I love the humor.  I love the down-home hospitality.  I love the TV.  I love Nordstrom.  I love Ben and Jerrys.  I love hotdogs.  I love waffles.  I love mac and cheese.  I love the work ethic.  Hell, I even love Garth Brooks.  

And there's so much of this amazing, beautiful, diverse country that I haven't even seen yet.

And I don't want it to go down the tubes.

And so I'm sad.

And today, I don't want to live here.

Because I love this place.  I want it to thrive. And instead, I am afraid I'll have to watch it get ruined.

Glenn Beck quotes:

Would you kill someone for that?...I'm thinking about killing Michael Moore...I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it,...No, I think I could. I think he could be looking me in the eye, you know, and I could just be choking the life out. Is this wrong? I stopped wearing my What Would Jesus — band — Do, and I've lost all sense of right and wrong now. I used to be able to say, 'Yeah, I'd kill Michael Moore,' and then I'd see the little band: What Would Jesus Do? And then I'd realize, 'Oh, you wouldn't kill Michael Moore. Or at least you wouldn't choke him to death.' And you know, well, I'm not sure. 

• The Glenn Beck Program, May 17, 2005
• Posed question: What would people do for $50 million dollars?

Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization. The goal is global carbon tax.…You need to have fear. You needed to have the fear of starvation. You needed to have the fear of the whole place going to hell in a handbasket. Which — do we have that fear now with global warming?…Then you have to discredit the scientists that say 'That's not right.' And you must silence all dissenting voices. That's what Hitler did. That's what Al Gore, the U.N., and everybody on the global warming bandwagon [are doing].^[4]

• The Glenn Beck Program, April 30, 2007
• Glenn Beck on Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth

Source: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Glenn_Beck

Update on Tuesday, October 6, 2009 at 5:27PM by Ittybittycrazy

62% of personal bankruptcies in the USA are caused by medical debt

Source: HealthcareforAmericaNow.org TV ad

Did I say that out loud - Parade

 

Sometimes I see a situation and a really terrible thing to say pops into my head.  I occasionally even shock myself.  So, rather than say them out loud, I'm going to write them here.

Today we went to get coffee and, as we drove to our local coffee shop (they know what I drink now - it really is time for me to get a job) we stopped for ages and ages at an intersection waiting for hundreds of teenage girls to walk across the road.

When we finally got into the domain of the caffeine fix, I asked the barista what was going on.  

She told me that the Catholic school was up the road one way, the church was down the road the other way and that, every Tuesday, the girls walked over for mass.

And this thought popped into my head:

"Great.  A weekly pubescent parade for the local pedophiles."

Did I say that out loud - Handstand Man

 

Sometimes I see a situation and a really terrible thing to say pops into my head.  I occasionally even shock myself.  So, rather than say them out loud, I'm going to write them here.

Yesterday morning I went to yoga class.  I arrived ten minutes before and, as per usual, there were a few people already there, mats set up, some lying down and resting, some stretching, even one woman doing ab exercises.

And then there was the old guy.

He was up the front of the room, against the mirror, doing extreme moves.  He did downward dog with his hands against the wall, pushing himself into a higher-arsed pose. 

Then he flipped himself up into a full handstand agains the wall.

And this thought popped into my head.

I could go over to him, bend down so my mouth was near his ear, and say:

"The fact that you can do that doesn't make you any less old and wrinkled, you know." 

He Said She Said - Donut

 

"What do you want for dinner?" he said.

"A donut," she said.

"You can't have a donut for dinner," he said.

"Oh, yes I can," she said.

"How about chilli?" he said.

"Chocolate donut," she said.

"We ate a big lunch and we both had rice.  Not chilli, then.  How about soup?  That's healthy," he said.

"Chocolate donut, with coffee," she said.

"OK, honey, I know that today would have been your dad's birthday, but--"

"Chocolate donut, with coffee, then possibly a second donut," she said.

"Honey, you need to break the cycle of comforting yourself with foo--"

"Donut," she said, slowly and quietly.

"OK, it's before 4pm, let's go get you a donut," he said.

"Donut," she said.

Being a Doggy Mama - Scoop-A-Poop

Scooping dog poop is something you get used to. I guess it's like parents of human babies who just don't care when their little darling vomit all over them.

But after a while you start to become a doggy poop officionado.

We have a 8 C rating scale and, depending on how many treats he gets, Puppy Dog usually scores pretty low.

1. Collectability – on a good surface, like NOT the pavement


2. Convenience – not at 3.30 am


3. Composition – a neat little pile, easy to get into the bag in one handful


4. Creep-free - all in one place, no shifting forward on hind haunches while doing the deed


5. Consistency – not oatmeal, not pellets


6. Consideration – less five mins after going outside if it is raining


7. Color – black or red, we are told, are BAD


8. Closure – Finish it – don’t keep squatting again and again

Being a Doggy Mama - Dog Park Personalities

I have begun to form profiles of the animals you find at the dog park.

The Nervous Parent

Telltale signs:

• Usually couples - the come together for moral support


• Their baby is on a leash in an off leash dog park


• They are in constant conversation, analyzing every move their puppy makes


• They watch all other dogs carefully, protecting their little one

Rules of engagement:

• If you want to have fun, call your dog over and let him sprint up to their puppy to sniff its butt. They'll politely freak out as only middle class White people can


• If you want to be kind, walk up to them slowly, ask them about their puppy, make sure you let it sniff your hand before you touch it and then tell them reassuring stories (aka lies) about how your dog took to the dog park immediately and always comes back when you call him

The Gormless Idiot

Telltale signs:

• Running through dog park, shouting their dog's name

Rules of engagement:

• If you want to have fun, yell "I saw him go that way" and point in a random direction. If they are too stupid to know that you have no idea which dog is theirs then they get what they deserve


• If you want to be kind, ask them what their dog looks like and genuinely think about whether you've seen it. And, if you have a three-years-of-drama voice like mine, ask the name and boom it accross the dog park, making your husband die of embarrassment

The Pretty Pretty Princess

Telltale signs:

• Ugg boots or fashion Wellies


• Carrying small dog in an off-leash dog park

Rules of engagement:

• Ignore them

The Dog Club

Telltale signs:

• A pack of the same type of dog gathered in one place, with various proud owners discussing the finer points of the breed


• There are usually at least two people wearing unflattering outdoorsy hats

Rules of engagement:

• If you want to have fun, split up with your husband so you are either side of them and one of you has your dog, and then the other calls your dog so he sprints right through their self-satisfied pure-bred pack


• If you want to be kind, you and I are not meant to be friends

The A-type Personality Dog Owner

Telltale signs:

• The latest and greatest (and most expensive) in dog floaty toys/balls/frisbees


• Never lets their dog do their own thing - the dog must be chasing and retrieving some kind of thrown item at all times


• Yells encouragement at dog a lot, military-trainer style

Rules of engagement:

• If you want to have fun, position yourself at right angles and throw a ball for your dog accross their path. These types tend to think the entire dog park is their territory and this will really piss them off


• If you want to be kind, and you know your dog is faster than theirs, position yourself next to them, throw your ball at the same time they throw theirs and watch your dog kick their dog's ass. You don't think this is being kind? Oh come on, these types need to learn a lesson!

The annoying family

Telltale signs:

• There are at least 6 of them


• They walk very slowly


• They have a toddler with them who keeps squealing and generally behaving like prey

Rules of engagement:

• Walk in opposite direction, especially if toddler is throwing ball for their dog and your dog is the kind of dog that would sprint up to the toddler and jump at it to get to the ball.... let's move on, shall we?

The David and Goliath

Telltale signs:

• Dog is bigger and heavier than owner


• Owner is hanging onto dog, trying to control it


• Look for: Japanese Akita, Great Dane, Burmese Mountain Dog, Bullmastiff

Rules of engagement:

• Do not help. If these people want to have big dogs, they should eat more.

The Psycho-Dog Owner

Telltale Signs:

• Dog is on a leash, although it is clearly used to dog parks


• Owner grabs leash and pulls dog very, very close whenever another dog comes within 2 metres of them

Rules of engagement:

• Avoid! Clearly their dog is a nut job and is moments away from killing yours

The Connection Seekers

Telltale signs:

• They smile broadly and walk towards you, obviously hoping you'll engage them in conversation


• They'll reach out to touch your dog or call him to them


• They have a dog that looks like yours

Rules of engagement:

• Be nice. They have a dog that looks like yours. Except, of course, it's not quite as cute as yours is

Being a Doggy Mama - The 7 Circles of Doggy Hell

I believe that Hairless Apes who are bad to dogs have it coming. Dogs have made a deal with the Devil (who do you think gave him his Hellhounds?) and have a special part of Hell reserved for them.

Dante was onto something, you know. Except he just wrote about the Hairless Ape's 7 circles. Let me tell you about the dog ones...

The First Circle of Doggy Hell - Quick Sniff Circle
Example crime: Forgetting to feed your dog.
Here there are all sorts of doggies, and the Hairless Apes are naked. The dogs, given full rein to indulge in their true nature, sniff the Hairless Apes' butts. There are so many dogs that it ends up being one cold, wet nose about every thirty seconds.
The dog staff have to be continually rotated because, let's face it, as a dog, once you've sniffed each butt once, it gets boring.

The Second Circle of Doggy Hell - Fluffalicious
Example crime: Bathing your dog clumsily, getting shampoo in their eyes and using water that is too cold or too hot.
Here we gather the fluffiest of dogs: Golden Retrievers, Cocker Spaniels, German Shepherds, Huskies, Saint Bernards, Sheepdogs. We get them when they're moulting and let them shake it all about. The Hairless Apes are given allergies - whether they had them when they were alive or not - and have to live with sneezing till they throw their backs out at least 7 times. To make it even more hellish, we give the Hairless Apes one of those little handheld vacuum cleaners each. They think they can combat the flying fluff but we don't tell them we've taken the filters out. They're engaged in a constant battle they can never win. And we don't give them any tissues! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
Any of the fluffy dogs in heaven came come down and have a good shake here. It's one of our more popular circles, and more fun than going to the dog groomer!

The Third Circle of Doggy Hell - Hellitosis
Example crime: Not ever giving your dog a bath or buying them any treats.
We feed our employees special fishy food and send them into the arena. The Hairless Apes are strapped into electric chairs and the dogs jump up on their laps and breath in their faces. If the Hairless Apes throw up, they get zapped. It's simple, but very effective.
Our employees in this circle have very understanding spouses.

The Fourth Circle of Doggy Hell - Yapland
Example crime: Not buying your dog any toys, never taking them for walks.
This circle is filled with yappy Chiuauas who never shut up, 24/7. If you try to think of a song to drown them out, your brain starts singing you the song in Chiuaua yaps. That particular bit of genius was Foofy Trixibelle's idea. She runs the place.
The poor Chiuaua employees can only work in half shifts. The job plays havoc with their vocal chords.

The Fifth Circle of Doggy Hell - The Sewer I
Example crime: Not ever showing your dog any affection.
Here we provide the Hairless Apes with doggie bags that break and make them scoop the poop. We make sure they all have long fingernails. There is a lot of poop.
All our staff have to use this area as their bathroom, 24/7. It takes commitment, but you soon learn not to have to go in the middle of the night when you live out in Hell's suburbs.

The Sixth Circle of Doggy Hell - The Sewer II
Example crime: Abandoning your dog.
Here we dress the Hairless Apes as janitors and make them clean up endless puddles of diarrhea and sick. Their mops are very small and there's hardly any water in the their buckets. If the Hairless Ape starts to cry, he or she goes back to the beginning of the effluent and starts all over again.
Naturally we don't have an endless supply of excrement and vomit. We had to bribe some fallen angels to collect it from earth. This is an expensive circle to maintain.

The Seventh Circle of Doggy Hell - You're the Prey
Example crime: Dog fight club owner.
Here we gather the most-feared breeds and let them loose. Dobermans, Rottweilers Pittbulls, Akitas and Huskies, frothing at the mouth and growling incessantly circle and taunt Hairless Apes before tearing them limb from limb. Of course, once in Hell, you cannot die so, after excruciating pain and sickening amounts of blood, the Hairless Ape loses consciousness only to wake ten seconds later, whole again and brand new prey.
Of course none of these dogs actually are bloodthirsty maniacs. They're just doing their job and they go home at the end of their shift to the bitch and puppies like any other breed.

Treat your dog well... or welcome to DOGGY HELL...

Hello from Puppy Dog - New Tricks

  

They say an old Hairless Ape can't learn new tricks.  Well, Mama seems to be an annoying exception.

Every time she goes over to see Theo's mama, she comes back with some new-fangled idea.  Theo has two sisters - Tara and Tasha - all chocolate labs, like me.  Theo's mama knows a lot about how to look after dogs properly.  I just wish she'd keep it to herself!

So the latest thing is this.  

First Mama goes into the water room and does that buzzing thing that makes it look like she has rabies (freaked me out the first time she did that, but then she bent down and the foam was all gone).

Then she comes into the kitchen and makes me sit.

I know what's coming - I'm not stupid - and I show her that I don't like it, but she does it anyway - that's how mean she is.

She puts a little red thing on her finger and puts some chickeny paste on it.  It smells like chicken but it isn't chicken.  I know - I'm not stupid.

Then she moves my lips and starts rubbing this stuff on my teeth and she goes into my cheeks and behind my big defense-weapon-biting-tooth and she makes me open my jaws so she can reach the teeth in the back and I try to lick the stuff away but she just keeps going and sometimes she even puts more paste on the red thing and she rubs and rubs and I hate it and it just goes on and on and on...

I know I could bite her hand, but I don't - I'm not stupid.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Dream Job - George Clooney

 

My dream job would be as an interviewer, in a lounge/kitchen/bar area which is rigged with hidden mikes and cameras and the guest just comes to have tea, or cocktails.  See a longer explanation here.

So here's the George Clooney scenario:

 Me: This is a little disconcerting.

George: What is?

Me: You actually are better looking in person.

George: (laughs)  Puh-leez.

Me: Listen, I'm sorry, but I have to ask this.  You are a talented actor, you get involved in charity work like being on the United Way Board of Trustees and being a UN Messenger of Peace, you keep in shape, you look groomed, you do edgy movies like the Good German and Syriana... Seriously, aren't you gay?

George: (laughs uproariously) Come on!  No!  I also ride a kick-ass motorcycle!  Not that I have anything against gays.  Or that gay men don't ride motorbikes... Oh my God, what have you started?

Me:  It's ok, you can be straight with me - no pun intended.

George:  Hang on, I know what this is.  You're one of those women who fantasize about me and Brad Pitt, don't you?

Me:  What do you mean 'one of those women'?  All women!

George:  Oh, stop it.

Me:  Seriously though, not Brad Pitt now.  Brad Pitt back in Thelma and Louise, yes, but not now.  What woman can compete with Angelina?

George:  Do you want me back in ER?

Me: No, I'll take you now.

George:  You're making me blush!  Why don't I just fix us another cocktail?

Me:  OK, OK, we can change the subject.  Make me a Sex on the Beach.

George:  (grins and shakes his head) Aw, come on! 

Dream Job - Sandra Bernhardt

 

So I've decided what my dream job would be.

I would be an interviewer.

No, not a talk show host with seal-like clapping audience, over-long stand-up opening act and only five minutes of piffle with the interviewee.

I would have a room which looked like an open-plan lounge-cum-kitchen (yes "cum" in this context is a legitimate word) with a full bar.  The whole place would be rigged with hidden cameras and microphones but, when the guest came, it would be like they were visiting me in my house for tea, or cocktails, or lunch, or whatever.

They would have to stay at least one hour, but could stay longer.  The editors would piece everything together afterwards and the guest - not their agent - would have a say on the final cut.

There would also be, in the middle of the coffee table, on the kitchen counter and on the bar, a little plastic cover which could be flipped up, action-movie style, to allow access to two big buttons - one red, one green.  The red one would temporarily mute all the microphones so that, if necessary, the guest could whisper something in my ear which would not have a chance of being publicized.  The green would fire up the mikes again.

So here's the scenario:

Me: You know, Sandra, there's this adult part of me that is so enjoying our conversation, really likes your work, etc.  But there is also the 14 year old inside me that just wants to know what it was like being friends with Madonna.

Sandra: (Laughs)  Well, I'll tell you one thing, as long as you push the red button.

Me: Hell, girl, you push it.  (Flips up plastic cover on the bar)  Go ahead. 

Sandra: Bam!  (Pushes red button, leans over to whisper in my year.  My mouth is slightly open, as if a bit shocked, my eyes are closed, my neck is slightly arched.  Sandra pulls back.)

Sandra: Bam! (Pushes green button)

Me: Oh my holy God! 

Sandra:  I know, right?

Me: I am so turned on right now.

Sandra:  Well, we can get it on...

Me: Oh honey, that is so tempting, and so flattering, but I am faithful.

Sandra: Ah well.  You can always take the memory home and think about it while you mount your husband tonight.

Me: (clinking martini glass with Sandra's) Amen.

Quote Unquote - Break it to me gently

 

"Your husband is hiding his kielbasa in a Hickory Farms basket that doesn't belong to you."

Sally, The Evil Cheerleading Coach in Glee, telling Will's wife that her husband is "playing away from home"

He Said She Said - Hangover Breakfast

 

"GET UP!" she yelled. 

"Are you cooking me bacon?" he asked a few minutes later, after the groaning was over and he'd managed to get out of bed.

"Yes I am, but I am pretending that I am cooking it for the poor."

"What?"

"That way, I'm cooking it for someone who deserves it."

"Aw, honey," he whined.  "I said I was sorry.  And I did explain."

"Really?  I don't think 'Ah verr drunk' at 1am before collapsing into bed, is an explanation."

 "We went out after the poker game."

"Who's we?"

"Me and Bob."

"Who's Bob?"

"He was at the poker game."

"Where did you go?"

"Just some bars near the game."

"What bars?"

"Honey!  Please!  I promise to call if I hit midnight and I'm still out ever again!"

"OK, fine!  Enjoy your hangover breakfast.  I'll put something dumb on TV for you."

"Thank you.  I love you."

"You so owe me."

Update on Thursday, October 1, 2009 at 12:33PM by Ittybittycrazy

"Did you notice I didn't even have any fried eggs?" she asked.

"Yes, Baby," he said.

"Yes, because I can't because I'm allergic.  This was a totally selfless breakfast!"

"Thank you again, Baby," he sighed.

"Oh my GOD!" she yelled, as he slowly heaved himself off the sofa.  "It LIVES!"

"OK," he said, "you need to stop relishing this so much."

"Not bloody likely."

Pic - I love the water!