Dante was onto something, you know. Except he just wrote about the Hairless Ape's 7 circles. Let me tell you about the dog ones...

 

The First Circle of Doggy Hell - Quick Sniff Circle
Example crime: Forgetting to feed your dog.
Here there are all sorts of doggies, and the Hairless Apes are naked. The dogs, given full rein to indulge in their true nature, sniff the Hairless Apes' butts. There are so many dogs that it ends up being one cold, wet nose about every thirty seconds.
The dog staff have to be continually rotated because, let's face it, as a dog, once you've sniffed each butt once, it gets boring.

The Second Circle of Doggy Hell - Fluffalicious
Example crime: Bathing your dog clumsily, getting shampoo in their eyes and using water that is too cold or too hot.
Here we gather the fluffiest of dogs: Golden Retrievers, Cocker Spaniels, German Shepherds, Huskies, Saint Bernards, Sheepdogs. We get them when they're moulting and let them shake it all about. The Hairless Apes are given allergies - whether they had them when they were alive or not - and have to live with sneezing till they throw their backs out at least 7 times. To make it even more hellish, we give the Hairless Apes one of those little handheld vacuum cleaners each. They think they can combat the flying fluff but we don't tell them we've taken the filters out. They're engaged in a constant battle they can never win. And we don't give them any tissues! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
Any of the fluffy dogs in heaven came come down and have a good shake here. It's one of our more popular circles, and more fun than going to the dog groomer!

The Third Circle of Doggy Hell - Hellitosis
Example crime: Not ever giving your dog a bath or buying them any treats.
We feed our employees special fishy food and send them into the arena. The Hairless Apes are strapped into electric chairs and the dogs jump up on their laps and breath in their faces. If the Hairless Apes throw up, they get zapped. It's simple, but very effective.
Our employees in this circle have very understanding spouses.

The Fourth Circle of Doggy Hell - Yapland
Example crime: Not buying your dog any toys, never taking them for walks.
This circle is filled with yappy Chiuauas who never shut up, 24/7. If you try to think of a song to drown them out, your brain starts singing you the song in Chiuaua yaps. That particular bit of genius was Foofy Trixibelle's idea. She runs the place.
The poor Chiuaua employees can only work in half shifts. The job plays havoc with their vocal chords.

The Fifth Circle of Doggy Hell - The Sewer I
Example crime: Not ever showing your dog any affection.
Here we provide the Hairless Apes with doggie bags that break and make them scoop the poop. We make sure they all have long fingernails. There is a lot of poop.
All our staff have to use this area as their bathroom, 24/7. It takes commitment, but you soon learn not to have to go in the middle of the night when you live out in Hell's suburbs.

The Sixth Circle of Doggy Hell - The Sewer II
Example crime: Abandoning your dog.
Here we dress the Hairless Apes as janitors and make them clean up endless puddles of diarrhea and sick. Their mops are very small and there's hardly any water in the their buckets. If the Hairless Ape starts to cry, he or she goes back to the beginning of the effluent and starts all over again.
Naturally we don't have an endless supply of excrement and vomit. We had to bribe some fallen angels to collect it from earth. This is an expensive circle to maintain.

The Seventh Circle of Doggy Hell - You're the Prey
Example crime: Dog fight club owner.
Here we gather the most-feared breeds and let them loose. Dobermans, Rottweilers Pittbulls, Akitas and Huskies, frothing at the mouth and growling incessantly circle and taunt Hairless Apes before tearing them limb from limb. Of course, once in Hell, you cannot die so, after excruciating pain and sickening amounts of blood, the Hairless Ape loses consciousness only to wake ten seconds later, whole again and brand new prey.
Of course none of these dogs actually are bloodthirsty maniacs. They're just doing their job and they go home at the end of their shift to the bitch and puppies like any other breed.

Treat your dog well... or welcome to DOGGY HELL...

 

See website for complete article licensing information.