Being a Doggy Mama - Dog Park Personalities

I have begun to form profiles of the animals you find at the dog park.

The Nervous Parent

Telltale signs:

• Usually couples - the come together for moral support


• Their baby is on a leash in an off leash dog park


• They are in constant conversation, analyzing every move their puppy makes


• They watch all other dogs carefully, protecting their little one

Rules of engagement:

• If you want to have fun, call your dog over and let him sprint up to their puppy to sniff its butt. They'll politely freak out as only middle class White people can


• If you want to be kind, walk up to them slowly, ask them about their puppy, make sure you let it sniff your hand before you touch it and then tell them reassuring stories (aka lies) about how your dog took to the dog park immediately and always comes back when you call him

The Gormless Idiot

Telltale signs:

• Running through dog park, shouting their dog's name

Rules of engagement:

• If you want to have fun, yell "I saw him go that way" and point in a random direction. If they are too stupid to know that you have no idea which dog is theirs then they get what they deserve


• If you want to be kind, ask them what their dog looks like and genuinely think about whether you've seen it. And, if you have a three-years-of-drama voice like mine, ask the name and boom it accross the dog park, making your husband die of embarrassment

The Pretty Pretty Princess

Telltale signs:

• Ugg boots or fashion Wellies


• Carrying small dog in an off-leash dog park

Rules of engagement:

• Ignore them

The Dog Club

Telltale signs:

• A pack of the same type of dog gathered in one place, with various proud owners discussing the finer points of the breed


• There are usually at least two people wearing unflattering outdoorsy hats

Rules of engagement:

• If you want to have fun, split up with your husband so you are either side of them and one of you has your dog, and then the other calls your dog so he sprints right through their self-satisfied pure-bred pack


• If you want to be kind, you and I are not meant to be friends

The A-type Personality Dog Owner

Telltale signs:

• The latest and greatest (and most expensive) in dog floaty toys/balls/frisbees


• Never lets their dog do their own thing - the dog must be chasing and retrieving some kind of thrown item at all times


• Yells encouragement at dog a lot, military-trainer style

Rules of engagement:

• If you want to have fun, position yourself at right angles and throw a ball for your dog accross their path. These types tend to think the entire dog park is their territory and this will really piss them off


• If you want to be kind, and you know your dog is faster than theirs, position yourself next to them, throw your ball at the same time they throw theirs and watch your dog kick their dog's ass. You don't think this is being kind? Oh come on, these types need to learn a lesson!

The annoying family

Telltale signs:

• There are at least 6 of them


• They walk very slowly


• They have a toddler with them who keeps squealing and generally behaving like prey

Rules of engagement:

• Walk in opposite direction, especially if toddler is throwing ball for their dog and your dog is the kind of dog that would sprint up to the toddler and jump at it to get to the ball.... let's move on, shall we?

The David and Goliath

Telltale signs:

• Dog is bigger and heavier than owner


• Owner is hanging onto dog, trying to control it


• Look for: Japanese Akita, Great Dane, Burmese Mountain Dog, Bullmastiff

Rules of engagement:

• Do not help. If these people want to have big dogs, they should eat more.

The Psycho-Dog Owner

Telltale Signs:

• Dog is on a leash, although it is clearly used to dog parks


• Owner grabs leash and pulls dog very, very close whenever another dog comes within 2 metres of them

Rules of engagement:

• Avoid! Clearly their dog is a nut job and is moments away from killing yours

The Connection Seekers

Telltale signs:

• They smile broadly and walk towards you, obviously hoping you'll engage them in conversation


• They'll reach out to touch your dog or call him to them


• They have a dog that looks like yours

Rules of engagement:

• Be nice. They have a dog that looks like yours. Except, of course, it's not quite as cute as yours is

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