Hello from Puppy Dog: Bad Daddy

Hello Again!

Lots of news from me today!

My Daddy sometimes tells a story (usually when there are other Hairless Apes over for dinner and they have had a lot of wine) about when he was a baby.

His Mommy went shopping and walked to the shop - they do that in England (Daddy even says they don't really drive SUVs! weird!). Anyway, I'm getting distracted.

So my Daddy's Mommy (I guess I can call her my Granny) took him to the shop in the pram and she left him outside while she went in to buy a few things. They did that kind of thing in those days.

Granny paid for her stuff, got her two bags - one in each hand - and walked home... without my Daddy!

My Daddy says he remembers people talking to him when he was in the pram.

His Mommy got home and unpacked the shopping and had that nagging feeling that she'd forgotten something. She ran back to the shop and Daddy was still in his pram, absolutely fine.

My Daddy says he teases his Mommy about forgetting him.

But now my Mommy says he can't do that anymore.

That's because of what happened today.

Daddy and Mommy were both working from home so we went for a nice walk through the park and then to the coffee shop. They tied me up outside like they always do and went in to what Mommy calls "her daily fix". They were chatting as they came out and I noticed that Mommy came over to me but Daddy walked the other way.

I saw him walk away from us, then stop at the end of the block because red hand on the traffic light was telling him he couldn't walk, and then he looked around for Mommy, looked confused and then turned around and saw us both.

My Daddy had forgotten about me and was walking home without me!!!!

I got my revenge.

When he came over to unhook me from where I was tied up I jumped away and started running up the street and he had to chase me and he spilled his coffee.

And while he was out at a meeting this afternoon and Mommy went to the office, I emptied out the trash can in his office to get at a cookie wrapper in the bottom.

Yeah, Daddy! So there!

Gonna forget me now? Huh? Huh? Gonna forget me now?

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog.

Hello from Puppy Dog: Quick sniff

Hello everybody!

You know, my Mommy doesn't have fur like me. She puts different furs on all the time.

Sometimes she wears soft and cuddly ones, like the red ones she wears at night, and I snuggle up to her on the couch.

Sometimes I lick her furs after she's eaten because she's dropped crumbs... especially after she's had toast. I looooooove toast.

This morning she was changing furs, bending over to get something out of a drawer and I checked her out, like I often do, with a quick sniff.

I made sure my nose was clean and wet, so I don't know why she yelped.

I mean, all the other bitches know that quick sniff is a compliment... sheesh!

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Health is Wealth - Gym Jam

This is my year for getting fit.

This is my year for getting fit.

This is my year for getting fit!

OK, now that I have convinced myself, perhaps you'll believe me.

Anyway, I've joined a gym and hired a personal trainer.

Getting used to a new gym is always difficult. You aren't sure where anything is, everyone seems to know everyone else and say hello to each other, everyone seems to be skinner, fitter, buffer than you, you don't know how to work the equipment... and, if you are me, you forget your new locker padlock combination and you have to go downstairs, still panting, red faced and sweaty, to ask for bolt cutters.

But, of course, first I had to suffer the unhelpful Third Degree....

"Don't you have your combination written down?"
"Yes, but that's in my purse, and my purse is in the locker."

"Are you sure you can't remember the combination?"
"Yes, I've been trying for ten minutes."

With a clickety-click on the computer keyboard: "Did you register your padlock combination on your gym profile?"
"No, I wasn't told I could do that."
"Well, when you get your next padlock, you should do that."
Deep breath iiiiiiiiin...... Deep breath ooooooout......"Thanks, great idea. But can you help get this padlock open?"

Of course, the male receptionists can't come into the Women's changing room, so along comes an impossibly young thing who's so tiny she makes Keira Knighley look chunky. She can barely get the bolt cutters up to waist level, never mind squeeze the handles hard enough to cut through the metal of the padlock.

And there's always that woman - isn't there? - who happens to be in the changing room at the same time and wants to "be helpful" by making completely obvious observations which she somehow thinks constitute helpful advice.

"Oh yes, you have to get the bolt cutters right in there."
"It works by squeezing those handles together."
"I've seen this done and it can be really difficult."

And the Receptionist, obviously believing in some twisted sense of customer service, refused to let me help. She huffed and she puffed but she couldn't break that lock down.

She went away to try to " see if there were any other bolt cutters" (because that would make a difference) and came back five minutes later, defeated. There were no other bolt cutters. Perhaps she was expecting to find some that came with a special electric switch, who knows?'

She insisted on trying again. It was like watching a stick insect try to fuck a lion.

I blew hard and sent her wispy body flying across the room (OK, maybe it didn't really happen like that) and got at the handles. An oomph! and a quick shove later, the padlock was broken.

So now I'm the fat, silly cow who forgot her locker combination, didn't write it down or register it on my profile and caused all sorts of trouble for the sweet little Receptionist. On the way out I slunk out of the gym, past the front desk, as quickly as possible. If it wasn't for the Personal Trainer, I'd probably never go back.

That's Life - Elevator Jackass

Last night on Family Guy Peter Griffin broke his neck while doing a Jackass stunt with his buddies. So I got to thinking - what would my Jackass stunt be?

Well, obviously, I wouldn't want to actually injure myself. And I am not interested in being outside in the snow and rain. And I don't want to inconvenience myself in any way so, really, this has to be done in the normal course of my life. At home, no one would see the stunt. So it has to be at work. In front of strangers. So what better than an elevator prank?

So here they are - things I'd love to have the guts to say in the elevator. Some of them need help from a friend. Feel free to add your own in the comments section:

• Oh my God! Who farted?
• [Hold door open when you get in] Hang on, is the meeting on 20? [Press button for 20th floor]. No, hang on, I think she said it was on 23. [Press button for 23rd floor] Oh no, wait! She's coming to my desk! [Get out of elevator and run]
• [Jackass 1] "I can't believe he won't take responsibility for the baby!" [Jackass 2] "Honey, the baby come out of you and it's a different race!"
• [Mutter] I don't think I can take this. I can't take this. I can't. Closed space. ACK! [Start hyperventilating] I'm going to throw up! I'm going to throw up!
• [Sing and dance to I'm coming up] I'm going up! I want the world to know! To my meeting I go! Do-doop! Do-doop! I'm going up! An elevator ride with strangers by my side! Do-doop! Do-doop!
• Do sportscaster commentary on everyone with you in the elevator e.g. "And a man in a blue shirt is getting in. Looks like he could be a contender! Is this the day for him, Bill? Only time will tell!"
• [When it is just you and another person in the elevator]. "OK, dude, this is it. Elevator deathmatch... [put up your fists]... No biting or hitting the crotch area, but kicking, punching, slapping and twisting ears are all ok. Ready? ARE YOU RRRREADY?"

Hello from Puppy Dog: Bath Time

Hello Friends, this is Puppy Dog.

Today Mama and Dada took me to a big park, and there was a lake. There were duckies on the lake and they quacked at me and swam away. They were quacking at me to chase them. Mama and Dada didn't seem to understand, but I knew what they were saying - I speak fluent Duckie.

So I chased them and it was all muddy at the edge of the lake.

I came back and shook myself off next to Dada to show him how I can get all the water off but he just yelled something at Mama about "a bath".

When we got home Mama laid out my special big towel in the bathroom. Then she did something awful - she picked me up and put me in the water! She rubbed me with some disgusting stuff and then rinsed it off.

She told me to get out and, thinking back, maybe she meant get onto my big towel but how was I supposed to know?

I shook myself off in the hallway and she yelled at me. So I thought I better go somewhere else and I shook myself off in the guest room. This time Mama was yelling and was coming at me with the towel so I figured that wasn't the right place either so I ran past her and shook myself off in her bedroom.

Now Mama is muttering and making herself a potato chip sandwich and pouring a glass of wine and the sun hasn't even set so I think I better just go lay on my bed.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog.

Couch Potato - My favorite movies

Movies that take me back to High School:

• The Breakfast Club
• Tex
• St. Elmo's Fire

Movies that give me a portal into Ye Olde Englande:

• Maurice
• Howard's End
• Remains of the Day

Movies that remind me that I am woman and I should roar:

• Thelma and Louise
• The Accused

Movies that challenge me:

• Kids
• La Haine
• Hard Candy

Movies that made me cry and cry:

• In the Bedroom
• Away from her

Movies that gladden my heart:

• Wall E
• ET

Movies that make me want to sing and dance:

• Rocky Horror Picture Show
• The Sound of Music
• Grease
• Little Shop of Horrors

Movies that make me laugh:

• Les Comperes
• When Harry Met Sally
• The Full Monty

Couch Potato - I love the local news!

We hardly ever watch the nightly local news. It's just too awful. We watch BBC America, of course.

[And, just by the way, BBC America news is not perfect. It's FOXified. But at least you get some more interational perspective.]

Anyway, we don't watch the news but, as we watch our favorite shows on the telly at night, we sometimes catch the teasers. Some are so, so silly that I started to write them down.

You have to understand that everything listed here is a real teaser, about 90% word for word, for the news at 11pm.

As you read these, do them in the Hollywood movie trailer voice in your mind.

• Two local women say they were sexually assaulted by ghosts. What police and a local ghosthunter have to say. At 11!


• KFC is launching a new fish sandwich! Hear why they're asking people to believe in their new venture! At 11!


• Bumpers put to the test in slow collision! You won't believe how much it could cost to repair the damage! At 11!


• How a baseball bat helped put an arson suspect behind bars! At 11!


• [Shot of a car deep in mud] At least it was a soft landing! A local driver careers off a ramp into some deep trouble! At 11!


• [Shot of trash on the street] Clean it up... or else! How the city plans to crack down on local eyesores and the people who cause them! At 11!


• It's the car they want thieves to steal! We'll take you inside a Bait car and see the Police use it to flush out thieves! At 11!


• How your driver's licence could help in the fight against Meth! At 11!


• How the Harry Potter series is helping the environment! At 11!


• The dangerous tunnels under the capital! At 11!


• What stimulates your brain more? Chocolate, or making out [snogging]? The answer may surprise you! At 11!


• Why the city's nightclubs are turning off their music and going silent! At 11!


• Our university's gymnastics team may have multiple stalkers! At 11!


• A BB gun rampage in a local city! Someone takes aim at over one hundred cars and homes! See where the trail of broken glass is leading! At 11!


• A little league player who was kicked out of the game for wearing an oxygen tank is back! Hear about the ruling that made him safe! At 11!


• How valet parking can make you a target for thieves! At 11!


• The disturbing surprise for a local family's Halloween candy! At 11!


• The law that allows teachers to have sex with older students! At 11!


• A cat survives a brutal beating! See how this touched one family so much they just had to take action. At 11!

Sometimes the national news is no better:

• Tomorrow in our series "Officer down!" we'll look at the arms race between the Police... the people trying to kill them!


• When we return... Tales from the Antarctic! What it's like bobbing for hours on the icy water, waiting for rescue!


• Mauled by an escaped tiger! The victim's final conversations with family. At 11!

9 to 5 - Excuses, excuses

Excuses for not doing anything productive when working from home:

• I can stay in bed a bit longer. After all, this is normally time I'd be in the car anyway


• I am home, I should take the opportunity to have a decent breakfast. Sets you up for the day, you know


• I don't want to become a home worker in my robe and slippers like on Dilbert. I better shower and do my hair


• I should just spend a few minutes quality time playing with my Puppy Dog.


• Hey, I'll just load up the dishwasher and put some clothes in the washing machine - it'll only take five minutes and then they can be washing while I work


• I can't work at this dining room table. Too distracting. I better get rid of all this crap


• I think I'd like a cup of tea


• OMIGOD it's 10:30 and I haven't done any work!!! How the hell did I distract myself this long? Oh well first I.... hey, you know what? I should put this on my blog.

9 to 5 - Daydream

Sometimes at work I feel like I am caught in that movie, The Life of Brian and Michael Palin is sing-songing at me....

"Crucifixion?.... Yes?.... Line on the left! One cross each...."

Being a Doggy Mama - Training Puppy Dog

I've been looking at my Puppy Dog, lying peacefully on his pillow in front of the TV, and it got me thinking back how different it was when we first got him...

We took Puppy Dog to his first training class and he was by far the naughtiest dog... the Scary Trainer kept saying "I'm just going to use you as a demo" so she could take him, show the technique and then frown at us when she gave him back to us and we couldn't get him to repeat the good behaviour.

Puppy Dog started off badly by growling back at dogs who tried to dominate him. Both of them started it first – I swear they did – but he’s bigger and his growl is louder so he looked like the psycho dog. Lab vs Pug – who’s going to believe the Pug tried to dominate the Lab?

Then there was the cute golden Lab puppy who tried to bite Puppy Dog behind the neck but, in the melee of tangled leashes, I don’t think it was clear to its owner that her little fluffy darling bared his fangs first.

The Scary Trainer is, as Fluffy Bear says, very domineering, and not in a please-spank-me-Mistress way. “She reminds me of the nuns in junior school!” he said, a haunted look on his face.

She seemed to go through the various techniques like Sit and Stay very quickly. I was having a hard time keeping up. We only got to try things two or three times with our dogs. And when we were having success with something, like Sit, she took out a ball from her magic Mary Poppins fanny pack – there seemed to be endless things stored in that tiny thing – and bounced it on the ground. Well - of course! - Puppy Dog immediately forgot all about Sit and went for the ball. Lesson hereby unlearned!

Scary Trainer had one of her own dogs there to demonstrate techniques. It was amazing to see the level of his obedience, staying focused on her face, for instance, when she gave the command, in spite of an assistant trainer bouncing a ball in a circle around them. I thought he seemed like a dog who'd somehow been neutered twice.

As it became clearer that Puppy Dog and the golden Lab puppy just weren’t going to play ball as well as the other dogs (nerds!), Scary Trainer tried the quintessential dog training instrument on him – the Choke Chain. Fluffy Bear and I tried not to giggle, whispering the quote from the dog trainer in the Simpson’s episode where they try to train Santa’s Little Helper: “Two words you need to know - CHOKE CHAIN!”

But, when it came down to it, we didn’t really want Puppy Dog to have to have a choke chain or, as he ended up being fitted for later in the class, the prong. To be fair to Scary Trainer, she tried both Labs' sensitivity on the choke chain with a practice walk and let us try training him with the choke chain. When it became clear that it wasn’t making a lot of difference, she switched to the prong for Puppy Dog.

She made sure to demonstrate to us repeatedly how to pull the dogs back with a quick tug rather than keep the choke chain or prong tight around their neck all the time, leaving them in constant, dull pain. The prong has metal bits that stick into the fur, emulating how dogs will discipline or overpower each other, by biting or holding onto the back of the neck. We didn’t want to use it but it didn’t seem to hurt him and it really did get results. Suddenly he wasn't the bad kid with nose piercings and a mohawk smoking in the toilets anymore. We bought the prong - cash.

After training class we went over to the the other side of town and I met some friends. Fluffy Bear took PuppyDog to the off leash dog park.

I was having a lovely brunch with friends when I picked up my cellphone to hear him say: “He’s YOUR dog from now on!” When I asked what was going on, he started to explain and then I heard “SHIT!” and - click! - the call was over. I heard the whole story later...

After he parked the car, Fluffy Bear was fumbling with the new prong collar, getting ready to open the back door and put it on Puppy Dog.

“I felt something on my ankle,” he told me later, “then I looked in the back seat and – no dog!”

Puppy Dog had skulked over into the front seat and slunk out of the car. He proceeded to chase cars in the car park and generally run amuck, giving Husband a minor coronary.

Once in the dog park, things didn’t get better. Puppy Dog ran off out of eyesight with Fluffy Bear running behind, yelling, he stole other dogs’ balls and wouldn’t surrender them and he did two massive poops, the second very, very mushy.

Things are much easier with Puppy Dog now. We still can't control him on a walk without the prong, and he still won't surrender tennis balls he steals from other dogs at the park. But he doesn't get out of the car till you tell him to, he sits when you ask and he can stay for about thirty seconds.

I went to pick him up at Doggy Day Care the other day and they started this big pitch on how I can pay to have him trained while he is with them. The guy started launching into schpiel about the initial disount price, but I cut him off.

"SOLD!" I yelled.

It doesn't matter what it costs. Puppy Dog still has some things to learn.

9 to 5 - Why we do this corporate crap

I was having a good day, the kind of day when you make real progress in your work and you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. And then I had a meeting with my manager and he asked me for two things tomorrow morning.

My dearest colleague-slash-friend, Bill, also started his day out well and saw things rapidly go downhill, with arsonist emails (people who purposefully create situations that require fire fighting) and his boss changing their core strategy - yet again - on a conference call where he made impossible promises to senior managers. Easy for the boss to promise, not so easy for Bill to do all the work.

So we decided to have a CBS (Coffee Bitch Session) together.

As we got into the elevator I couldn't help but sigh.

I asked Bill: "Do you think those penniless-artist-types are happier than us? I bet they are...."

"Yes" he replied, "but they have to clean their own toilets."

And that is why we do this corporate crap.

That's Life - 25 Random Things

My friends keep sending me tags to 25 Random Things About Me on Facebook. So I started thinking...

What are the 25 Random Things That I Wish Were About Me:

1. I have 20/20 vision


2. As a teenager, I learned to surf and once, on vacation, I caught an awesome tube in Hawaii


3. I can still do the splits


4. No matter what I eat, I just dont put on weight


5. I wake up full of energy every morning


6. I have a lovely singing voice


7. Hats look great on me


8. For some strange reason, hair just doesn't grow on my legs or in my armpits


9. I can speak 7 languages fluently


10. I read the whole of Flaubert's oeuvre - and I got it


11. I love going to the gym


12. I have visited every country in Europe


13. I don't know why women complain - wearing stiletto heels doesn't phase me


14. I love other people's children


15. I went to dog training religiously and my puppy does whatever I say


16. I had to choose between three different guys who all asked me to Prom


17. When my mom died, I handled it well


18. I can empty my mind easily and find a quiet place to rest


19. My ass looks good in anything


20. My Trust Fund pays out this year


21. I speed read a book a week


22. I get up and do half an hour's yoga every day at 6am


23. I can "speak" Sign Language


24. I love the smell of my husband's feet


25. I'm a very patient driver

Yeah, right.

9 to 5 - TLAs

Three Letter Acronyms are a big part of the corporate culture where I work.

My colleague and friend - let's call him Bill - and I decided we would come up with our own TLA's to deal with the horror - the horror! the horror! - of corporate life.

SYF - Suburban Yawn Factor. Pronounced "sif" which is fun cos it sounds like a shortened version of syphillis. Refers to those boring people who have to tell boring stories about their suburban life e.g. taking the kids to soccer/baseball/whatever, the agony over choosing a school, the awful third nanny about to be replaced with the fourth.

CBS - Corporate Bullshit.

WPI = Workplace Inappropriate e.g. that hug that lasts too long, that overly personal story, that sexist joke.

RFD = Red Flag Day as in "Don't fuck with me, I'm having an RFD."

WCPM = West Coast Positivity Mafia. These are the people from California and other West coast states who insist on being positive all the time. Key phrases:

• "I don't think we should discuss politics at work" = For God's sake don't make me actually express an opinion
• "Let's agree to disagree" = I think you're a FuckWit
• "Well that's interesting" = That sucks
• "Thank you for making that excellent point" = Shut the fuck up

MSU = Make Shit Up, usually to be found when someone spews statistics in a meeting.

MCTZ = Meeting Cancellation Twilight Zone. This is when you have a full day of meetings and everyone cancels.

DHC = Disturbingly Hot Colleague. Often leads to events which are WPI.

ABA = Another Bloody Acronym

I am Woman - I love you John W Nordstrom

I love Nordstrom.

A few years ago I found myself in front of a photograph of the original shoe store, with Mr John W Nordstrom in it, and I did a Wayne's World "We are not worthy!" in front of it three times. These are the moments my husband walks away and pretends not to know me.

What do I love about Nordstrom?

I love the stores, I love the website, I love the Nordstrom Notes discount vouchers, I love getting invitations to pre-sales events (my husband does not love this), I love the fact that they come out from behind the cash register to hand you your bag, I love the sales assistants who are all like personal shoppers, I love the woman at the cosmetic counter who sends me a personal thank you note, I love crazy makeup artists at the Mac counter, I love the huge fat lady section, I love the massive, clean toilets, I love how well they reconditioned my battered handbag and steamed out the beer smell, I love the valet parking, I love the shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes (us girls are all thin when we try on shoes) and I especially love the sales.

I love the fact that I can finish this blog and go online and find something nice to buy....

Gotta go!

9 to 5 - Follow YOUR Yellow Brick Road

Yesterday I had one of those moments of environmental nanoterrorism when I sat in my car, engine idling, for at least seven minutes outside my house. It was the BBC World Service's fault. I got home and I just had to listen to the end of the Outlook interview with Sir Ken Robinson.

He has a book out about inspiring people to follow their personal passion, called The Element.

I've long ago stopped reading that kind of book, but the interview was fascinating. Sir Ken was struck down with polio as a child, and then his dad became a quadroplegic after an accident at work.

But the really interesting part was when he retold a story he heard at a book signing somewhere in the US. I'm telling it the way I remember it, so don't sue me if I get some details wrong.

A guy came up to Sir Ken to get his book signed and said that, as a child, he'd always wanted to be a firefighter. No doubt thinking this was just a normal childish phase, I guess most people indulged him until he got older. Then he had a high school teacher who told him it was a stupid idea and that he should go to college. The guy became a firefighter and saw his teacher again - when he saved his life, and his wife's life, after they had a car accident.

And here's the punchline, in true, euphemistically-polite American style:

"Well," said the firefighter," I guess he thinks differently now."

That's Life - I farted

The Chiropractor had me on my back, folding my arms over my chest. He made me lift up my torso so he could get his right hand around to make a fist against my spine. He found the sore spot (he always does) then he kinda hugged me and pushed all his weight down on me to crack my spine.

And I farted.

And it wasn't one of those silent, breathy ones like Kathleen Turner mid-sentence. Nor was it a tiny pop, which might be mistaken for something happening in the next room. It wasn't even a high squeaky one, that you can disguise by then shifting your foot in your shoe and recreating a similar sound.

No.

It was a rat-a-tat Tommy Gun blast, like Al Capone's boys were duking it out with the fuzz.

Yet another betrayal from my body, the eternal Judas.