We took Puppy Dog to his first training class and he was by far the naughtiest dog... the Scary Trainer kept saying "I'm just going to use you as a demo" so she could take him, show the technique and then frown at us when she gave him back to us and we couldn't get him to repeat the good behaviour.

Puppy Dog started off badly by growling back at dogs who tried to dominate him. Both of them started it first – I swear they did – but he’s bigger and his growl is louder so he looked like the psycho dog. Lab vs Pug – who’s going to believe the Pug tried to dominate the Lab?

Then there was the cute golden Lab puppy who tried to bite Puppy Dog behind the neck but, in the melee of tangled leashes, I don’t think it was clear to its owner that her little fluffy darling bared his fangs first.

The Scary Trainer is, as Fluffy Bear says, very domineering, and not in a please-spank-me-Mistress way. “She reminds me of the nuns in junior school!” he said, a haunted look on his face.

She seemed to go through the various techniques like Sit and Stay very quickly. I was having a hard time keeping up. We only got to try things two or three times with our dogs. And when we were having success with something, like Sit, she took out a ball from her magic Mary Poppins fanny pack – there seemed to be endless things stored in that tiny thing – and bounced it on the ground. Well - of course! - Puppy Dog immediately forgot all about Sit and went for the ball. Lesson hereby unlearned!

Scary Trainer had one of her own dogs there to demonstrate techniques. It was amazing to see the level of his obedience, staying focused on her face, for instance, when she gave the command, in spite of an assistant trainer bouncing a ball in a circle around them. I thought he seemed like a dog who'd somehow been neutered twice.

As it became clearer that Puppy Dog and the golden Lab puppy just weren’t going to play ball as well as the other dogs (nerds!), Scary Trainer tried the quintessential dog training instrument on him – the Choke Chain. Fluffy Bear and I tried not to giggle, whispering the quote from the dog trainer in the Simpson’s episode where they try to train Santa’s Little Helper: “Two words you need to know - CHOKE CHAIN!”

But, when it came down to it, we didn’t really want Puppy Dog to have to have a choke chain or, as he ended up being fitted for later in the class, the prong. To be fair to Scary Trainer, she tried both Labs' sensitivity on the choke chain with a practice walk and let us try training him with the choke chain. When it became clear that it wasn’t making a lot of difference, she switched to the prong for Puppy Dog.

She made sure to demonstrate to us repeatedly how to pull the dogs back with a quick tug rather than keep the choke chain or prong tight around their neck all the time, leaving them in constant, dull pain. The prong has metal bits that stick into the fur, emulating how dogs will discipline or overpower each other, by biting or holding onto the back of the neck. We didn’t want to use it but it didn’t seem to hurt him and it really did get results. Suddenly he wasn't the bad kid with nose piercings and a mohawk smoking in the toilets anymore. We bought the prong - cash.

After training class we went over to the the other side of town and I met some friends. Fluffy Bear took PuppyDog to the off leash dog park.

I was having a lovely brunch with friends when I picked up my cellphone to hear him say: “He’s YOUR dog from now on!” When I asked what was going on, he started to explain and then I heard “SHIT!” and - click! - the call was over. I heard the whole story later...

After he parked the car, Fluffy Bear was fumbling with the new prong collar, getting ready to open the back door and put it on Puppy Dog.

“I felt something on my ankle,” he told me later, “then I looked in the back seat and – no dog!”

Puppy Dog had skulked over into the front seat and slunk out of the car. He proceeded to chase cars in the car park and generally run amuck, giving Husband a minor coronary.

Once in the dog park, things didn’t get better. Puppy Dog ran off out of eyesight with Fluffy Bear running behind, yelling, he stole other dogs’ balls and wouldn’t surrender them and he did two massive poops, the second very, very mushy.

Things are much easier with Puppy Dog now. We still can't control him on a walk without the prong, and he still won't surrender tennis balls he steals from other dogs at the park. But he doesn't get out of the car till you tell him to, he sits when you ask and he can stay for about thirty seconds.

I went to pick him up at Doggy Day Care the other day and they started this big pitch on how I can pay to have him trained while he is with them. The guy started launching into schpiel about the initial disount price, but I cut him off.

"SOLD!" I yelled.

It doesn't matter what it costs. Puppy Dog still has some things to learn.