He said She said - Boy toys

"The keyboard for the TV media center is broken," he said.

"So use the spare one we have," she said.

"I can't. It's not wireless," he said. "I have to go to Fry's."

And he was gone.

He came back, excited. 

"Honey! Come look at this!" he yelled from the front door.

"If all you bought was a keyboard, why should I come look at it?" she yelled back.

"You have to see this keyboard!"

"Uh-oh..." she thought.

"See? It's black and pretty and it has this little round mousepad thing on the side and it has this slidey thing here for volume control and it has this stand so it can stand up here and not take up room. Isn't that cool?"

"Yeah, it looks great," she said.

Pause. 

"How much was it?"

"Honey, it has this cool volume slidey thing. Try it!"

"How much was it?"

"It's one of the best ones there is!"

"How much?"

"Only $150.."

"Please excuse me," she said. "I have to go internet shopping. Mama gonna get her some shoes.."

To read more in this series, click here.

Couch Potato - Good movies

Role Models

Mindless fluff with that kid who hung out with the cops in Superbad.

Based on the Big Brother concept, suspend disbelief that single men would be allowed to do their community service by interacting with children completely unsupervised.

Paul Rudd is adequate, Seann William Scott is just playing a slightly older Stifler. Of the adult cast, Jane Lynch steals the show. She will - for me, at least - be forever defined by her role in the L Word series, but this is a wonderful role of kookiness that makes Lisa Kudrow's Pheobe in Friends look like vanilla ice cream to Jane's Chunky Monkey. I may never BS a BSer again.

The kids are all excellent and, if the gods of good looks are kind to Christopher Mintz-Plasse as he grows up (he deserves a break after having been lumbered with that surname), he'll go far.

The film should also get props for showing the fan world (in this case, medieval re-enactment fans) as both negative (cliqueyness, power plays) and positive (community, fun) instead of just taking the piss.

A few real laugh out loud moments.

My Best Friend's Girl

Much funnier than we expected it to be.

To appeal to the key movie growing demographic, Hollywood seems to create trailers for good comedies that make them look like the latest Dumb and Dumberererererer. It's always a nice surprise when you get into the main feature to find that the trailer hasn't done it justice.

Dane Cook is Dane Cook in this film - nothing more, nothing less. He's one of those actors whose name I have to think a while to remember. I don't see him becoming the next Ben Stiller, but he puts in a solid performance, just like he did in Employee of the Month.

Kate Hudson makes the most of the Goldie Hawn genes she inherited, but she will never be as good as her mother in comedy because her face is beautiful without a trace of Mummy's kookiness.

Still, let's not split hairs. Any movie that delivers moments when you have to rewind the DVD because you've been cracking up so much that you missed some dialogue deserves high praise. There is a particular moment at a wedding which I won't ruin for you, but I nearly wet my pants I laughed so hard.

Zach and Miri Make a Porno

A nice premise for a film and a very good story. Reminded me a little of The Girl Next Door, just with a much less attractive cast.

The acting in the main love scene is amazing, conveying something sweet and poignant within the completely antithetical context of porn.

Much funnier and sweeter than expected, but I had a little trouble suspending disbelief, because I wouldn't touch that Seth guy with a bargepole.

Charlie Bartlett

Destined to be a cult classic, this film has a flavor of Napoleon Dynamite, but is more mainstream.

It's dark comedy that has you smiling more than laughing out loud. I rejoiced at the portrayal of complex characters - Hollywood mainstream is far too fond of things being black and white, which can be dangerous. George Bush would never have got away with accusing entire countries of being an "Axis of Evil" if the average man in America had a better understanding of grey areas.

Anyway, back to the movie.

Hope Davis is lovely as the medicated mom, and there's and a fantastic supporting performance by Robert Downey Jr. I want to jump up and down with glee at each step he makes in his grand return to deserved acclaim.

Anton Yelchin is excellent as Charlie. Thinking about it, he's been great in everything I've seen him in, so I'm not sure why I still can't rememer his name.

Charlie's takeover of his world is a lot of fun to watch. I couldn't help but envy him... Wish I could do that at work.

Health is Wealth - More Silent Evil

The voicemail message clicked on. It was Fluffy Bear:

"I have one word for you: FOUR! That's the word! FOUR! FOUR!"

He was yelling, a post-personal training rant.

That day, because of our schedules, we couldn't work out with Silent Evil together. At our previous workout, clearly high on endorphins released by pain and suffering, I had somehow agreed to meet Silent Evil for a 7:30am workout, while Fluffy Bear met with her that afternoon at 5.

For the first time since we started working out with her, Silent Evil made me do four rounds of an exercise combination. At first she used to make us do two rounds, and she had pushed us to three rounds in some of our workouts. But never four. Not till yesterday.

My round was:

• Ten pushups leaning on a bar which was set at about thigh height


• Twenty lunges - ten on each side


• Fifteen squats, holding a 20 pound weight


• Fifteen weight machine pulldowns


• Ten flying dumbell lifts, from hands next to thighs to right up above my head


• Twenty step ups onto a box, lifting knee when up on the box - ten on each side

When I got home I told Fluffy Bear what I'd had to do and bet him that he would have an easier time of it because he grunts and groans.

But it sounds like Silent Evil plays fair with her torture.

Equitable Evil.

I like it.

That's Life - Collections

My dear friend, EverywhereEventually, wrote a blog post on things he has collected which, bizarrely, includes "Leather bookmarks from British stately homes."

So I began to think about things I have collected.

And here's what I came up with:

1. Wrinkles


2. Fat deposits


3. Shoes with heels so high I can't wear them


4. Intolerance for minor, petty things


5. Hair - in my hairbrush and in my shower plughole


6. Blocked follicles that turn into pimples wherever I depillate


7. Split finger nails


8. Athlete's foot bacteria


9. Dog hairs - all over my house


10. Chin hairs


11. Gaudy jewellery I don't like but won't donate to charity


12. Pretty blouses that are too small which I will "thin into in six months"


13. Hemarroids


14. Jeans which are too small which I will "thin into in six months"


15. A bikini I bought in a flash of insanity which I will never, ever wear


16. Odd socks


17. Certificates of this and that, including my First Communion


18. The entire works of Charles Dickens, in a box in storage in the UK, unread


19. Men who wanted to f#$k me but not have me as a girlfriend


20. Insecurities


21. Therapists


22. Antidepressants


23. Vitamins, supplements, powders


24. Massage therapists


25. Little samples of cosmetics/facial products which I never use


26. Out of date sunscreen sprays and creams


27. Old medecines which I can't remember what they were prescribed for


28. Scarves and pashminas


29. Lingerie I never wear


30. Adult pleasure toys I never use

I need that woman on British Telly to come and help me clean out my house. But I am not sure I'd want my lingerie and other unmentionables strewn on my front lawn. And what would the Red Cross do with my d$$$os?

Hello from Puppy Dog - Birthday!!!

Hello Mama's friends!

Yesterday was my birthday!!!

Well, not really my actual birthday, because Mama and Dada weren't my first parents, so they don't know exactly when I was born. Neither do I, actually.

It's the anniversary of when I adopted Mama and Dada as my new parents. They decided I was 1 year old when they got me, so now I am TWO!

I'm a BIG BOY.

My birthday didn't start very well. It was cold and rainy outside and Mama and Dada wouldn't get out of bed and I was soooooooooo bored.

But then Mama and Dada started moving the furniture around to make more space and there were big red balloons floating in the air and Mama got out cake.

I like cake.

Then more hairless apes came with other dogs!

There were two pugs, a little terrier, my girlfriend Dogette (of course!), a chocolate lab, a very big dog, and ME!

We ran around the garden chasing balls and the little terrier ran between our legs to get to them first! He was amazing!

We tore up the grass and made half the garden into a mud patch and the chocolate lab rolled around in it! He looked incredible!

We ran in and out of the house making different sized muddy paw prints on the floor! It was wonderful!

Dogette went all dominatrix and tried to hump the big dog. She was stupendous!

Mama gave us all doggy donuts that were different colors like red and blue and yellow and green and each one had sprinkles on top. They were scrumptious!

The hairless apes just stood in the kitchen drinking bubbly stuff and eating cake. They were sooooo boring. Except for the one who threw the ball for us. He was awesome!

I got birthday toys and treats! That was the total BEST!

Mama said I couldn't eat all my treats and put them away in the kitchen cupboard. She is such a buzzkill!

But, never mind her. Let me tell you about my toys!

I got a rubber squirrel all of my own! I can kill it again and again! Soooooo cool!

I got a rubber evil pirate chicken with an eye patch and peg leg that I killed dead dead dead in three minutes! It had all this white stuffing stuff inside and I spread it all over the lounge floor and it was great! I still have the carcass that I can play with, and if Mama pulls on one end and I pull on the other, the rubbery bits stretch. Soooooo cool!

And I got a round rubber thingy with little feet that makes squeaky noises! Mama says it sounds like the bastard child of a fart that mated with an alley cat, but she's just being silly. Dada says that Uncle Bill chose the toy on purpose to drive him and Mama crazy. I don't see why they should be crazy... it's my toy. I can bite it and chew it and, if I drop it on the ground, it bounces, so I can chase it too! Soooooo cool!

Mama and Dada said that, when it's Dogette's birthday, they are going to get her a drum set to get back at Uncle Bill. Mama is so silly! Dogs can't play drums - we don't have opposable thumbs!

Today Mama gave me one of the special balloons that was still bobbing above the dining room table. It was red and shaped like a dog's head. It was an evil red dog! She pulled on the string till it was low enough for me to attack it and I jumped on it and bit and bit and bit it and I killed it dead dead dead!

This was the best birthday EVER.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

He said She said - Money madness

"Buy yourself something nice, something you don't need," he said.

"OK, I'll go online," she said.

"What are you getting?" he asked.

"Some T-shirts from Threadless," I said. "They have a sale on."

"No! No!" he protested. "You should get yourself something better than that."

"What?  Wait.  What have you bought?" I asked.

"I just think you should have something nice," he simpered.

"WHAT. HAVE. YOU. BOUGHT?"

"Um... a Kindle."

"Oh, Mama's goin' shawpeeng nah!" she yelled, tapping frantically.

To read more in this series, click here.

Quote Unquote - Ole King Cole

Years ago, in a land far away, I met a lovely woman who told me a great story about her kid.

He was about six, and he was given one of those nusery rhyme CDs for his birthday. He loved it, learnt all the songs and used to sing them in the bath.

One day, his mother heard him belting out at the top of his voice but, when he got to a certain line, he whispered instead of singing.

She asked him why, and he said, clearly uncomfortable, that there were "bad words" in the song.

"What bad words?" she asked him, confused.

And so, awkwardly, he sang to his mother:

 

"Old King Cole was a merry arsehole and a merry arsehole was he..."

That's Life - Not your average student

A year or so ago I was volunteering at a charity event. There were a bunch of college students there, and we introduced ourselves.

I said I was new to the city, and one of the students asked me how I liked it. I said I did, and that it seemed to have great restaurants.

He agreed with me, saying he was "a bit of a foodie".

"So tell me where I should eat!" I said.

"Well, what kind of cuisine do you like?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know..." I blathered. "How about French?"

"Over $100 or under $100?" he asked.

I was a bit taken aback. What kind of college student is asking me, someone over a decade older than him, about my price range?

Thinking back, maybe his family was loaded and I should have asked him to take me to dinner.

Flavors of America - Lunchpails

A little while ago, we took a roadtrip on the West coast of the USA.

Outside Los Banos, on highway 5, we found a little restaurant called the Apricot Tree. It was stuck amongst gas stations and the other boring things you find when you turn off at one of those signs that says "Gas Food Lodging".

But the Apricot Tree had a little decor pecadillo. The walls inside were covered in retro tin lunchpails.

The lunchpails were arranged according to category, with a little sign below them. For instance, in "Cops, Spies and Detectives" there were lunch pails showing:

• Charlies Angels
• Nancy Drew
• The Hardy Boys

There were some lunchpails, obviously more valuable than the others, in a glass cabinet.

Fluffy Bear was very impressed with one showing Mike Mercury in his Supercar and another showing Lost in Space.

It was a strange and fascinating lunch...

I love these flavors of America...

Being a Doggy Mama - Dogenstein

I have created a monster.

When Fluffy Bear was away on a business trip, I thought it would be a good idea to invite Puppy Dog up onto the couch. It was kinda nice being able to stroke his head and have him warm my feet.

But now he's got a little too used to it.

I sit with my back against one of the arms of the couch - it's at right angles to the TV. Puppy Dog jumps up and positions himself, like a Sphinx, between me and the back of the couch. Then, over the course of an hour or so, he stretches out and slowly pushes his paws against me.

Without realizing it, I shift back and bend my knees until, eventually, Fluffy Bear starts to giggle. Then he gets my attention and points. And I see that Puppy Dog now has two thirds of the couch, and I am scrunched up one one side of it.

He's transforms into The Sofa Stretch Sasquatch!

I am starting to ache while Puppy Dog is fully stretched out, head back, breathing deeply and evenly, completely Zen. 

A few months ago Fluffy Bear brought me home some of those hotel spa slippers - the white fabric ones. I don't know what is on the bottom of mine, but they make a crrrrrt crrrrt sound if I drag my feet along our wooden floors.

 

I noticed that Puppy Dog's ears twitched at the sound and he started to follow me around sniffing at my feet when I wore them. And so, of course, I started dancing around, scraping my slippers on the floor. And - surprise, surprise! - he went for them.

He transforms into The Sabre-toothed Slipper Killer.

So now we have a game, sometimes started by me, sometimes started by Puppy Dog jumping me unexpectedly and usually ended by me when the teeth start to feel a bit too sharp. Which doesn't take long.

Puppy Dog follows me into the bathroom when I have a pee. One day I waved my piece of toilet tissue in front of his face, and there began The Loo Roll Game.

He transforms into The Toilet Paper Jaw Snapper.

So now I can never just pee in peace.

I have to wave the toilet tissue around, purposefully grazing Puppy Dog's whiskers. He sits, mouth open, teeth bared, watching the paper like a hawk. His head moves, just a little, from side to side. He waits, like a true hunter, for his chance. And then he snaps his jaws shut.

He usually catches a small piece of the paper, chews it, rolls it around on his tongue and then spits out a little wet blob onto the floor for me to enjoy picking up...

Little Monster!

Quote Unquote - Women's work

Heard said by a speaker at a charity lunch:

"Violence against women causes more injuries than malaria, war, cancer and traffic accidents combined."

"Women do two thirds of the world's work and own 1% of the world's wealth."

9 to 5 - The people you meet...

Attending training courses can be fascinating - not necessarily for what you learn, but who you meet.

Often, to start us off, the trainer will ask everyone to introduce themselves by name, say where they work and then share something interesting about themselves that no-one is likely to know.

Here are some of the people I've met:

• A guy who composed music for TV shows


• A guy whose baby had been in major Hollywood movies


• An ex-college football player who had been in a team when they won the national championship


• A woman who spent an evening with a major rock icon at his local pub


• A woman who spoke at the UN


• A guy who was in a metal band in the 80s

Strange the people who end up in the corporate cube farm.

Quote Unquote - An acquired taste

Fluffy Bear:

"The British are an acquired taste."

Bill:

"Considering colonialism, not so much acquired as imposed."

 

 

Quote Unquote - No shit, Sherlock

Fluffy Bear's dad was once at a convention in the US and someone asked him:

"Has England had another detective as good as Sherlock Holmes since his death?"

Health is Wealth - More Silent Evil

Do not provoke your personal trainer.

Write it out, like Bart Simpson, on the chalkboard 100 times.

Do not provoke your personal trainer.

Do not provoke your personal trainer.

Do not provoke your personal trainer.

Today, we let her know how much we watch the clock.

"Half way through!" I told Fluffy Bear, patting him on his sweaty back with my sweaty hand once we were thirty minutes in. And then, my first mistake: "Fifteen minutes to the mats!"'

We did more lunges, we did more squats, we did more weights.

"Five minutes to mats!" I panted at Fluffy Bear, tempting fate.

Silent Evil walked us over to the area where the mats are. We began to relax.

HAH!

She veered left, away from the mats, to get one of the Balls of Doom. We had to stand on one leg and toss the ball to each other. Then we had to stand sideways and twist, scooping the ball to our far hip, then toss it to the other person.

Now, surely, I thought, the mats.

Nope.

Time to play tag. Run accross the gym to a little green ball, touch it, run back, touch Fluffy Bear's hand, then watch him run. We were moaning, panting, stumbling. We were delivering a public service to all other people in the gym - making them feel that, no matter how much pain they were in, no matter how tired they were, at least they weren't us. She made us do it five times each.

When we were done, she walked over towards the mats.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

Nope.

She stopped at the big plastic balls, the ones that have sand in them.

We had to swing them up over our heads, lunge to the side and hit the ball on our knee, then go to the other side. As soon as he had finished his ten on each side, Fluffy Bear sat down on his ball, panting and rubbing his face with a towel. It isn't very easy to keep exercising when you are laughing.

"The mats!" I begged. "Surely it's time for the mats!"

Nope.

We had to lift the ball above our head, then squat, swinging it down to the floor between our legs, stand up and lift it over our heads again. Twenty times.

Usually we get the respite of the mats fifteen minutes before the end of the hour. Now we only had five minutes left. I was starting to despair.

But, finally, she got out the mats.

I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

I'll never mention the mats again.

Hello from Puppy Dog - Soooooperdaaaaawg

Hello Friends!

Mama tells me that I am a Superdawg like Bolt because I have superpowers!

• My extra sensory ears can hear Mama opening my food tin from any room in the house.


• My bionic tongue can find nanocrumbs on the kitchen floor, on her clothes, on the coffee table.


• My super sense of smell can find a three month old chocolate wrapper that Dada found in an old jacket and threw in the trashcan so that I can dig it out even if I have to strew all the trash on top of it all over his office.


• My bionic legs can bounce me up in a direct vertical bound if Mama holds a piece of chicken in the air.


• My wondrous wagging tail can knock a wine glass off the coffee table in one stupendous swoop.


• My eagle eyes can see an evil squirrel two blocks away so I leap after it, yanking Dada's arm off before he has any idea what's happening.

Yes! I'm special.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

It's the little things - Sleepytime

I am often the last to fall asleep at my house.

Puppy Dog is gone within seconds of his muzzle hitting the cushion, and Fluffy Bear is often so exhausted from work that he is in cloudland before his head hits the pillow.

And then they start to snore.

It builds in volume, like a tide coming in and then, by some strange twist of fate, they start to harmonize.

It doesn't irritate me - quite the opposite.

It's a sweet moment that I treasure because this is the sound of my family, and it's my very own...

Snoranade....

Hello from Puppy Dog - Mine!

Hello Friends!

Today, I want to tell you all about things that are mine. Us dawgs are very territorial and it's about time you humans got on board with what's ours and what's yours. 

• Every bush or tree I pee on - mine


• The big bed in the main bedroom. Oh sure, Mama and Dad think it's theirs but, as soon as they go out and I want a nap - mine


• Big cushion in Dada's study, in the lounge, in the bedroom - mine


• Big cushion in the back of the car. Why does Mama keep washing this? Everytime she does it smells funny so I have to hump it to remind her it's mine


• The toilet/playground they call the "back yard" - mine


• Any balled up socks that are left around and so look like chewtoys - mine


• My guard post at the door which they call the Welcome Mat - mine


• The tennis balls I dig out from under bushes in the garden, icky places under radiators and dusty places under the bed - mine


• The bone I crunch while Mama and Dada are trying to watch TV - mine


• The carcasses of toys all over the house - mine

Mine.

Alllllllllll mine.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

That's Life - When is a lie a white lie?

If you put "1 bowl of ice cream" in your Diet Diary when in fact you ate the whole pint of Chunky Monkey, is that a white lie?

If you block out your schedule with a recurring private meeting every Monday morning before 10am because you just can't face work before then, is that a white lie?

If you tell your husband you're looking up a recipe online when in fact you are ordering shoes you don't need from Nordstrom, is that a white lie?

If you tell your boss your dog is sick and you need a day to take him to the vet just because you're tired and it's cold and you need a day off, is that a white lie?

If you tell a woman at the dog park that her little ratty pooch is cute when it has a facial expression that can only have been formed by it repeatedly chasing parked cars, is that a white lie?

If you tell a friend her white-trash-shopping-channel earrings frame her face beautifully, is that a white lie?

Or are these the kinds of lies that get you sent round the board, do not pass begin, do not collect $200, straight to hell?

Health is Wealth - Silent Evil and Noisy Humiliation

The stage was set for disaster the minute we started our workout warmup today.

Silent Evil asked us each how we were doing and the answers included:

• "Exhausted"


• "Not into this" and


• "Pretty crappy, actually"

And it went downhill from there.

The lowlights included:

• Silent Evil turning around and catching me yawning


• Fluffy Bear very obviously flapping the air behind my butt after I let rip and thought I'd got away with it (better still, I thought he might be blamed)


• Watching Silent Evil bring out ten - count them, ten! - of those plastic thingies that you put under a step bench to make it higher


• Fluffy Bear getting nauseous and heading up to the changing room, leaving me to suffer the torture alone.

But wait, dear viewers, that's not all. The pain comes with a free delivery of humiliation!!!

With Fluffy Bear still upstairs deciding whether or not to have a conversation on The Big White Telephone, Silent Evil made me sit on the mat, lean back, bend my knees, lift my legs, hold a weighted ball and move it from side to side.

And... I farted.

Not like the previous Silent But Violent that Fluffy Bear flapped away. No, this was one of those audible explosions, the pressure built by my abs and glutes being at max squeeze, the sound amplified by the mat's slick rubberiness.

And just when I thought things couldn't get worse... somewhere behind me, two men laughed.