Health is Wealth - Coping with Pain at Personal Training

More PAPT (Pain at Personal Training) today. My personal trainer, Silent Evil, was on form, as always.

I have begun to name elements of training to make them bearable.

1. The Balls of Doom. These are balls, like basketballs, which have weights in them, which I have to carry above my head when doing lunges or squats.
2. The Path of Humiliation. This is a clear walkway in the gym which Silent Evil makes me do lunges, squats or jog along, holding weights which cause various degrees of pain. The path goes between the cardio machines, so I can be pitied by an entire row of people who are thinner and fitter than me.
3. The Bar of Whoosh. This is a bar that gets put at about hip height which I need to lean over and do push ups against. The first five are fine but, after that, I start to pant and force air out of my mouth as I push up, with an audible whoooooooooosh.
4. The Boo Boo Ball. When I was a child, I called any scratch or bump or anything that made me sore a boo boo. This ball is a large ball filled with something that's a cross between polystyrene balls and sand. I have to throw it against the wall about 5 feet above my head then catch it and hold it as I go into a squat. It's very boo boo.
5. The Weights of Ache. These are the heavy weights (about 22 pounds) that I have to hold as I walk or jog along The Path of Humiliation.
6. The Pull up and Pant. This is a machine where I have to pull up from a position where my arms are completely outstretched above my head. By the time I'm past the fourth one, I am panting like Puppy Dog after 20 minutes of chasing tennis balls.
7. The Fountain of Phew! Everytime Silent Evil tells me to take a break and get a drink of water, I hobble over to the fountain as slowly as possible with a gigantic sense of relief. Never has a water fountain seemed so fresh, so restful, so beautiful.
8. The Bastard Bubble of Imbalance. This is a bubble of plastic that has been cut in half that you have to stand on and use your core strength to keep your balance. Silent Evil had me put one foot on it, squat, then jump up and over it so the other foot was on it, and squat on the other side. I just couldn't get it right. I kept trying and trying until I put my foot in the wrong place, twisted my ankle and fell flat on my ass. No - wait - it gets better. As I fell, for some unknown reason, I yelled "Damn!" accross the whole gym, thereby ensuring that absolutely everyone looked up and saw me end up in a sweaty, jumbled clump on the floor.
9. The Frozen Clock. From about ten minutes into the training session, I'm watching the clock. The hands don't move. I swear to God Silent Evil has magic powers and she freezes time.
10. The Mat of Happiness. When the mat comes out, we are close to the end and, even though I have to keep working, at least I get to do it lying down. The mat is too short, my hands slip on it when I am doing Downward Facing Dog and it smells of other people's sweat. I don't care. I frickin' love that mat.

We all have our ways of coping with pain...