Health is Wealth - Introducing Fattie Boom Boom

To see the artist's work who painted this picture, click here.

There was a song in the 70's called Hey Fattie Boom Boom. By the wonders of the internet I have found it on YouTube and you can listen to it here.

Hey Fattie Boom Boom
Sweet Sugar Dumpling
Hey Fattie Boom Boom
Let me tell you something...

My family - I was the youngest - used to tease me by singing this song.

I guess that is how I have always defined myself.

"I'm just not that girl," I told She's So Lovely, my therapist.

"What girl?" she asked.

"You know, that girl. The Pretty Girl. The Cheerleader. The Prom Queen. The girl men look at furtively, hoping she won't notice, because they think she's out of their league. Me, I'm one of the boys. They tell me dirty jokes. They stare at my boobs. They try to pick me up because they think they can have me. The fat girl."

There was a short silence.

"I think," she said, "that you need to write about this."

"Write?"

"Yes, write."

And so, I am.

Being a Doggy Mama - Is it a dog's life?

HA = Hairless Ape

PD = Puppy Dog

•  Running fast - HA 0, PD 1


• Jumping up - HA 0, PD 1


• Pee anywhere - HA 0, PD 1


• Have to wait till I get home to let you out to pee - HA 1, PD 0


• Fart virulence - HA 0, PD 1


• Opposable thumbs - HA 1, PD 0


• Vomiting in public permitted - HA 0, PD 1


• Snore volume - Tie


• Sense of smell - HA 0, PD 1


• Food variety - HA 1, PD 0


• Have to prepare own food - HA 0, PD 1


• All weather fur covering - HA 0, PD 1


• Get to go shopping for clothes and shoes - HA 1, PD 0


• Ecstatic at small things, like going for a walk - HA 0, PD 1


• Stress level - HA 0, PD 1


• Have to attend yearly performance reviews - HA 0, PD 1

The Score?

HA = 4, PD = 11

It is a dog's life!!!

Quote Unquote - Gift from the heart

"A few years ago I bought my wife a rifle for her birthday. That year, for my birthday, I got a sewing machine."

Guy at work

Quote Unquote - Support

"There's support - and then there's encouragement."

(Bill... About us attending an amateur theatre play and then walking out at interval and feeing guilty about not supporting the arts more)

Hell is other people - I'm surrounded

• Hell is other people who leave toilet seat covers on the toilet after they leave, so you have to gather them up, put them in the water and flush before you can pee.


• Hell is other people who have loud, naked, inane conversations in the gym locker room about not being able to work out with their hair down and having to once tie it up with a piece of string.


• Hell is other people who when I am on my way up to my office first thing in the morning and after I have rejoiced at the fact that no-one is getting off at a floor below mine, run up last minute, hold the doors with their arm, get in, and push the button for one floor down from me.

Hell is other people

Quote Unquote - Fire me

"You can fire me but, Bitch, don't think you can take me."

Eliza Dushku, Dollhouse TV Series.

Quote Unquote - The Rules

"My buddies and I back in ________ had a rule. You don't date any woman who wears underwear that's bigger than yours."

Some guy calling in to a talk radio show.

Health is Wealth - Eatathon update

I posted about my Eatathon here.

Here is the update:

• Thursday - 1 cupcake + 1 slide of Baileys cake (it was St Patrick's Day)


• Friday - 1 pint of Chunkey Monkey


• Saturday - 1 cupcake + Half pint of New York Super Fudge Chunk


• Sunday - Chocolate donut + Piece of chocolate cake with custard


• Monday - Slab of chocolate melted in cup of milk to make "hot chocolate"

I choose to see improvement.

Health is Wealth - Food as currency

I spoke to my BFF today. She lives half way accross the world so we don't get to talk very often. When we do, we have a lot to catch up on.

We've both battled the bulge for decades, so we always update each other on what we weigh.

BFF has lost weight and so, of course, I asked her how she did it. She's been going to Weight Watchers - but that's not the magic bullet. She said that she has had a mental shift about food. In thinking about it as points, she has come to consider food in terms of currency. She has $23 to spend a day and, even if she has a piece of cake or something, that's just going into debt.

"The books," she told me, "have to balance at the end of the week."

I think she is a genius. But then, I've always thought that about her.

Quote Unquote - $100

"I am not a 100 dollar bill. Not everybody is going to
like me."

Rebecca Glasscock, RuPaul's Drag Race

Hell is other people - A Fall

"So," the massage therapist said, reading my intake form, "you had a fall?"

I answered with a monosyllabic affirmative, but a thousand thoughts were going through my head.

A FALL?

Since when am I old enough to have A FALL?

Why am I freaking out about this? Simple. The way in which we describe an unintentional rapid communing with the ground beneathe us is one of those little things that changes as we age.

For a child or toddler, we make light of the fall, scooping them up and making high pitched noises that communicate to them that it is nothing to be worried about. After all, children are as strong as cyborgs and bounce like rubber balls.

Hence:

"Did you go boom? Huh? Huh? Baba go boom-si-daisy? Oopsie! Boom-boom! Oopsie!"

When we are kids and teenagers the key is to cover up our deep embarrassment at drawing any attention to ourselves and pretend the entire thing never happened or, if you are quick-witted enough, turn it into a clever joke.

Hence:

"Dude, you just totally kissed the sidewalk!"
"Goddamn! Did you see that? I just ducked and rolled like James Bond, Yo!"

When we are adults, we tend not to fall, unless we are drunk, which is funny in anyone's book. No need to comment, just giggle and guffaw along with anyone who happened to see you.

But then old age sets in. The muscles waste, the skin bruises easily, the bones are fragile. Falling down turns into a major hazard, a source of real injury and possibly even a trap, if you can't get up again. At worst, it can compromise your dignity and become the final straw that sucks up your last vestige of independence, leading to constant supervision and a sense of being a burden till the Grim Reaper comes. It also becomes a conversation point that can last for weeks, especially in the lives of those who are no longer very active and therefore make a lot out of a little.

Hence:

"Did you hear? Mary had a fall."
"No! When?"
"Last night. She got up to go to the bathroom."
"Is she hurt?"
"Oh, yeeeeessss. They found her on the floor this morning when they went in to help her dress. She had peed herself."
"They'll be transferring her to the main building soon, she'll be with us!"
"Well she won't be sitting at my table at dinner time! She smells of cigarettes!"

And so, maybe I'm being a bit paranoid here, but I have always dreaded getting to the point where bumping Mother Earth was described as a fall.

In fact, when Puppy Dog pulled me over yesterday, I was pretty impressed at how quickly I bounced back up and how I didn't feel terrible afterwards. Even this morning, when I woke up and couldn't move my neck, I decided all I needed was a good massage and I'd be fine. I was handling it.

Till that skinny little bitch spoke to me like I'm an eighty year old.

Worse still - and I am not exaggerating - she gave me the worst massage I've had in years.

Hell is other people.

Quote Unquote - The Nuer

I have to share this extract on the connection between humans and animals.

It's from How to be Your Dog's Best Friend - the best dog training book you can buy, according to a friend of Fluffy Bear's. It's written by The Monks of Skete, a monestary in upper New York State who have been training and breeding German Shepards for decades.

In Egypt, there is a devoutly religious tribe called the Nuer. The Nuer live near the Nile River and raise cattle for their livelihood. But their cows are more to them than just a source of income. Barns, cow halters, and electric fences are foreign to the Nuer. Instead, they integrate their cows into the total fabric of their daily lives, utilizing them in work, letting them mill around, sleeping near them, and meticulously grooming and bathing them. Each cow has a name and a personal history, known by all the tribe. Daily life is characterized by incessant conversation (or so it seems to an outsider) about the cattle. Each tribesman has plenty of stories to tell about his cows, cows he has owned, or cows he hopes to own. The Nuer are always looking for the "ideal cow". Cows even attend some religious services, and Nuer ritual is full of references to you know what. Nuer religion has been studied extensively and is considered by anthropologists an archetypal primitive religion. The Nuer are, on the whole, physically healthy and pscychologically wholesome. They live totally integrated with creatures that are on another level of existence.

That's Life - Going Blonde

I thought about calling these "Blonde Moments" but that would be unfair to blondes, who are not stupid. Think Jodie Foster, Glenn Close, Candace Bergen.

When I went blonde, however, it was stupid. I won't deny that it got me more attention, but it looked utterly awful. I also had an Temporary IQ Lapse they day after Cameron (my dear friend - we shared a house a long time ago in a place far away) dyed my hair.

I got up in the morning and, still half asleep, stumbled through to the bathroom. I grabbed my toothbrush, put toothpaste on it, turned the tap on, wet it a little and put the toothbrush in my mouth. And then I almost choked on it.

For the first part of these ablutions, I had been bent over the basin but, as I started to brush my teeth, I stood up and saw my reflection in the mirror. And there it was - orange-blonde hair. I got a major shock.

Not remembering you dyed your hair + choking on a toothbrush = Temporary IQ Lapse.

This was a small blip, however, in a very interesting experience.

Having blonde hair really does get more attention. I don't know if it's because we can see the lighter hair more easily in a crowd or because we associate prettiness, sluttiness with blonde hair - a lesson taught by the media. But I could feel the eyes on me when I went out.

It was weird, and it wasn't me.

I bought a tube of brown hair dye within a week and washed the blonde away.

Quote Unquote - New friends

"Your new friend privileges are hereby revoked."

Bill, after we introduced a couple to the gang who turned out to be nutters.

Hello from Puppy Dog - Mama is no fun!

Hello Mama's friends!

Mama has been sooooo boring this week!

She has been sitting on the couch in her jimmy jammies, coughing, sniffing and complaining. She has hardly played with me at all.

This morning she threw the ball a few times for me but she wouldn't play tug of war when I brought it back! She just expected me to drop it in her lap so she could throw it again!

I mean, come on, I'm not that stupid!

She has to stick her hand in my mouth around the ball and work for it! I have to growl and step back and slide my front paws on the wooden floor and she has to twist her hand so my head has to turn and we have to tug tug tug of war. That's how this game works!

But she just wasn't listening.

Hairless Apes can be really annoying sometimes. We dogs tolerate their thinking they are our Masters so we can live an easy life but - really! - sometimes their stupidity amazes me. Everyone knows that the game is called Fetch-Tug not just Fetch.

Geez.

Mama better take some more of those pills cos right now she is no fun, no fun at all.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Health is Wealth - Eatathon with a side of crazy

I can't stop eating.

I'm getting through the torture with Silent Evil (Personal Trainer), I am making changes to how I cook and shop for food based on Softly Concerned's (Nutritionist) recommendations and I am managing work stress like I discussed with She's So Lovely (Therapist).

But I crave sugar and complex white carbs all the time.

Whole pints of Chunky Monkey are inhaled. I get to the bottom of the cardboard container (why bother with a bowl? who am I kidding?) and I wonder where it's all gone and why I only start to really, really enjoy the last two spoons.

Donuts, which never used to enter my mind, dance in my thoughts like an evil version of Fantasia, replacing the elephants doing ballet.

I eat cereal late at night - two bowls, with sugar.

The wholewheat and rice pasta I've stuck to for the last year just don't do it for me anymore. I got up from the couch, where I had been for two days - sick - got dressed, got in the car and went to the store yesterday to get white pasta and ice cream.

I used to have one soy latte a day. Now it's three on average. And not always decaf.

Fluffy Bear cooks a lovely dinner, recipe from Softly Concerned, and I scowl at it, wanting pasta, pasta, pasta.

Since starting my Year to Get Healthy I have put on 3 kilograms. People tell me it's the muscle I'm building in the torture chamber with Silent Evil, but the ice cream and cereal and pasta has to be in there somewhere.

At first my clothes got looser but they're back to being snug now.

And then - of course - I start beating myself up mentally about food and the more I think about what I shouldn't be eating, how much water I should be drinking, what I am going to do better at today, the more I want to run downstairs to the coffee shop and buy a Venti latte and a slice of cake. And even that is a sacrifice because what I really want is the big fat donut covered in icing.

And don't even get me started on the Nicorette/smoking part of it all.

Change, She's So Lovely tells me, is wearing, stressful, hard on a person.

Hmmmmm...

I am the agent of my own sabotage. My own resistance guerilla. I am a terrorist in my own land.

Why?

Health is Wealth - The Cruelest Countdown

Fluffy Bear went to Silent Evil's torture session alone today and she had a new waterboarding technique up her sleeve.

She set up a routine - press ups, lunges, squats with a weight, lifting dumbells and climbing up on a box - but this time do each ten times, then do them nine times, then eight, etc.

Fluffy Bear said the whole thing took almost half an hour and he was cursing me for being home on the couch, ill.

He was given a T-shirt to bring home, with Silent Evil's logo on it. When I asked for mine, he told me that she said I can only get mine when I go to work out next.

That woman is sly.... like a FOX.

Dog Will be Dogs - The Math of Puppy Dog

Puppy Dog + Doggy Day Care = Dead Dog Snoring

Puppy Dog + Squeaky Toy = Kill Bill (who thought it would be an amusing birthday present)

Puppy Dog's Birthday Guests + Rain and Snow = Crunchy Mud Carpeting

Puppy Dog + Helium Filled Balloon = Barking Aerial Acrobatics

Puppy Dog + Dried Duck Strip Held Aloft = Very, Very Good Boy

Puppy Dog + Washed Cushion Cover = Lotta Humpa Humpa

Puppy Dog + Other Dog Out For a Walk + Quick Sniff Test + 2 Leashes = Dance With a Stranger

Puppy Dog + Tennis Ball + Wooden Floors = Slip Sliding Away

Puppy Dog + Squirrel = Murder and Mayhem

Puppy Dog + Cat = World War III

Health is Wealth - My thighs doth protest...

Right Thigh: You hurt as much as Ah do, Pardner?

Left Thigh: You f-ing bet Ah do, Baby.

Right Thigh: Actually, let's face it, Beeach, you don' hurt as much as Ah do, 'cos when She exercises, She always leads with Right Foot which means AH do most of the work

Left Thigh: Oh, that is such total BS! She makes sure that She evens it out! She even went Left Foot forward on two rounds of standing when She was doing those weight pull ups. She did, didn' she, Left Foot?

Left Foot: Sure did.

Right Thigh: Oh HE-ELL NO! You did not just butt into our conversation! Get up here and say that to my face! Hey, Left Knee, bend yo' ass so Ah can look Left Foot in the eye and hear what she has to say.

Left Knee: Don' bring me into this.

Brain: Oh stop it, all of you! This behaviour is ridiculous!

Right Thigh: Who the hell asked you, Smarty Pants?

Left Thigh: Yeah, butt out, Brainiac. This is none off your beeswax.

Brain: Everything is my "beeswax", as you put it. I control you all, remember?

Right Thigh: Control this, Beeach.

Brain: That is disgusting.

Left Thigh: If you so damn important, why donchoo send down summa them endolphins for us to feel better, huh?

Brain: Oh my God. I have white trash body parts. What circle of hell is this?

Right Thigh: Who you think you are? F-ing Frasier?

Left Thigh: Mmmmm-hmmm! Tell that Mutha! Goddamn, Beeach, I hurt.

Right Thigh: Mmmmmm-hmmm. Me too. Ignore that Brainiac Bastard. Let's go lie down. Hey Knees! Bend yo' asses! We need to rest!

Left Knee: Oh piss off both of you! Talk to the Hand!

Right Thigh: What da f-k she got to do with it?

He said She said - Boy toys

"The keyboard for the TV media center is broken," he said.

"So use the spare one we have," she said.

"I can't. It's not wireless," he said. "I have to go to Fry's."

And he was gone.

He came back, excited. 

"Honey! Come look at this!" he yelled from the front door.

"If all you bought was a keyboard, why should I come look at it?" she yelled back.

"You have to see this keyboard!"

"Uh-oh..." she thought.

"See? It's black and pretty and it has this little round mousepad thing on the side and it has this slidey thing here for volume control and it has this stand so it can stand up here and not take up room. Isn't that cool?"

"Yeah, it looks great," she said.

Pause. 

"How much was it?"

"Honey, it has this cool volume slidey thing. Try it!"

"How much was it?"

"It's one of the best ones there is!"

"How much?"

"Only $150.."

"Please excuse me," she said. "I have to go internet shopping. Mama gonna get her some shoes.."

To read more in this series, click here.