I can't stop eating.
I'm getting through the torture with Silent Evil (Personal Trainer), I am making changes to how I cook and shop for food based on Softly Concerned's (Nutritionist) recommendations and I am managing work stress like I discussed with She's So Lovely (Therapist).
But I crave sugar and complex white carbs all the time.
Whole pints of Chunky Monkey are inhaled. I get to the bottom of the cardboard container (why bother with a bowl? who am I kidding?) and I wonder where it's all gone and why I only start to really, really enjoy the last two spoons.
Donuts, which never used to enter my mind, dance in my thoughts like an evil version of Fantasia, replacing the elephants doing ballet.
I eat cereal late at night - two bowls, with sugar.
The wholewheat and rice pasta I've stuck to for the last year just don't do it for me anymore. I got up from the couch, where I had been for two days - sick - got dressed, got in the car and went to the store yesterday to get white pasta and ice cream.
I used to have one soy latte a day. Now it's three on average. And not always decaf.
Fluffy Bear cooks a lovely dinner, recipe from Softly Concerned, and I scowl at it, wanting pasta, pasta, pasta.
Since starting my Year to Get Healthy I have put on 3 kilograms. People tell me it's the muscle I'm building in the torture chamber with Silent Evil, but the ice cream and cereal and pasta has to be in there somewhere.
At first my clothes got looser but they're back to being snug now.
And then - of course - I start beating myself up mentally about food and the more I think about what I shouldn't be eating, how much water I should be drinking, what I am going to do better at today, the more I want to run downstairs to the coffee shop and buy a Venti latte and a slice of cake. And even that is a sacrifice because what I really want is the big fat donut covered in icing.
And don't even get me started on the Nicorette/smoking part of it all.
Change, She's So Lovely tells me, is wearing, stressful, hard on a person.
Hmmmmm...
I am the agent of my own sabotage. My own resistance guerilla. I am a terrorist in my own land.
Why?