Health is Wealth - Eggs Akimbo

Went to see Softly Concerned, our Nutritionist, this week. Because my allergy test showed I am "Highly Reactive" to eggs, I have to do an exercise to see how they affect me.

First, I had to not eat any eggs for two weeks. Next, I have to reintroduce them and record the results.

Step 1: Egg whites

When she told me this I had no idea how I'd eat just egg whites without making merigues. Luckily, I managed not to verbalize that thought - I don't think it would have impressed her.

"Try an egg white omelette," she suggested.

I refrained from saying that I didn't see myself as a Hollywood Princess who orders off the menu. What I did say was that I'd seen them referred to on TV, and always thought they sounded disgusting.

"Actually," she said, "they aren't bad."

So I made myself one for lunch today and put mushrooms and onions and cheese in it. And - horror of horrors! - it wasn't that bad.

Step 2: Egg yolks.

I have to boil and egg and eat the yolk. I'll make sure I have lots of water close at hand. Egg yolk by itself doesn't exactly slip down easy.

Step 3: The whole egg

I can't wait for this one. Ah.... to eat an egg again. To fry it, sunny side up, a little crispy on the edges, the yolk soft, the white cooked but not hard... Slice of toast buttered while still hot so the margarine melts into it...

Food porn.

Flavors of America - The sign says it all

Flavors of America - Snoopy at the Geyser

We stumbled on a Geyser somewhere in California. The fun find was that Charles Shulz had been there and signed the Guest Book like no-one but him could...

Quote Unquote - Drinking the Kool Aid

Fluffy Bear to me, after I defended one of my company's products:

"Do they give you your own straw for the Kool Aid?"

Divided by a Common Language - On-screen Cliches

 

Are they based on tradition, are they grounded in truth, or are they just examples of bad screenwriting?

Whatever they are, having grown up on US sitcoms and Hollywood movies, I tend to get tired of:

• The notion that a woman has dreamed of her wedding day since she was a kid


• The relationship break-up in a public place


• The nightmare family reunion over a public holiday


• The older, sassy, sexual grandmother/aunt (because we all know a woman daring to be sexual after 30 must be the object of hilarity)


• The fat friend - confidant,but never competition


• Making bridesmaids wear hideous dresses


• Losing your virginity at Prom

And in case you think I'm being anti-American, here are some British on-screen cliches you may recognize:

• Love accross class lines


• Gender-bending


• Keeping tight lipped when communication would solve all problems


• Misunderstandings and near-misses, farce


• Looking down on foreigners


• The English person who talks loudly and slowly at the non-English speaker

Are these things a hyperbole of who we really are?

I hope not...

Couch Potato - Crap DVD night

I think we starting a new tradition, Fluffy Bear, Bill and I.

It's Crap DVD Night.

It all started when we hired Quarantine and, the worse it got, the more snarky comments we made and the whole evening was hilarious.

Crap DVD night involves slobby clothes, take out and, of couse, alcohol.

Here are some reviews of our latest entertainment:

Beverley Hills Chiauau

Unadulterated crap, but fun.

All the cliches are there - a love story across class lines, a road trip, a rediscovery of roots and the rehabilitation of a cop that was kicked off the force. Just all with dogs.

Thank God they aren't alll Chiauaus. Even a film which tries to make the breed look adorable didn't make me want one.

There are German Sheperds, Muts and a beautiful Doberman which is unfairly classed as the villain.

At first we were taking the piss out of it mercilessly but, slowly, the comments stopped.

"Are we actually getting into this movie?" I asked the boys.
"I think we're just drunk enough to enjoy it," replied Bill.

I suggest you apply the same strategy.

Snow Dogs

An old film about a Miami dentist who has to go to tiny town in Alaska and - wait for it - rediscover his roots.

It's always fun watching a dog movie with Puppy Dog. In this one, when the dogs made noises on the TV he looked up, then growled, then ran behind the TV, barking, to try to find them!

It was heartwarming (a.k.a. cheesy) and family appropriate (i.e. no potty mouth, nothing beyond kissing) but so gloriously mindless.

Watching this movie needn't take alcohol, just a horrible week at work and the desire to numb the brain.

That's Life - You know you're...

You know you've had one too many of sweet, darling K's Killer Cosmopolitan Cocktails when:

• You chase your dog around the house blowing raspberries in his face
• You call your husband and leave a voicemail telling him to hurry home while the Horny Window is still open
• You feel it's very important to jump up and down 12 times in the kitchen
• You yell "You're boring!" at the BBC news
• You think someone calling Chicago "The Windy City" on the news is the funniest thing you've ever heard
• You take ten minutes to button up your PJ top

Time to hit the couch and minimize the damage...

Workplace Personalities - The Uppity Vendor

 

 

 

 

 

This is usually a vendor who is working on site, for a reasonable period of time, on a fixed project. They become part of the team - as they should be - and are involved in key meetings, project updates, etc.

But, somewhere along the line, they forget that they are a vendor and, rather than espousing the positive corporate values of "collaboration", "best practice", hell, even "mentoring", they choose to just come out and tell you how to do your job.

These little golden nugget unsolicited advice sessions can often be identified broken down into these phases...

Phase 1 - the Assertive Opener:

"I just wanted to synch with you on..."

"I think we should have a quick debrief on..."

"I'd like to share some feedback with you on..."

 

Phase 2 - The It's Not Just You - Honest - Reassurance:

"in my experience"

"look, I often make the same mistake"

"this is a common problem in all organizations"

"I'm not singling you out."

Phase 3 - The Qualifier:

"but..."

 

Phase 4 - The How To Suck Eggs Intro:

"you could try approaching it with..."

"I think we'd get more positive feedback if you..."

"Our team would have a higher profile if you..."

Phase 5 - The Annoying Advice

Actual content depends on the meeting that just took place, the project you're working on, etc.  But no matter what the content, it's condescending, tells you nothing you don't know already and is told to you with no assumption tha you would ever have a which underlies your approach.

Phase 6 - The Fake CYA:

"Of course, you know this organization better than me so..."

"I know you may have already thought about this..."

"Tell me if you disagree. We should be completely honest and open with each other..."

"I know I'm preaching to the choir here..."

 

Phase 7: Reiteration of The Annoying Advice

See Phase 5.

            

I have a friend - let's call her Sue - who has had to put up with this frequently.  She has invented a surefire way to stop these awkward little sessions happening in her working life.

She looks the vendor straight in the eye and says:

"So fire me."

Key Signs: 

• False modesty
• Condescending tone
• Placating phrases
• Overstepping

Catch Phrases: "Let's just blue sky this for a minute..."  

Your Strategy:   

• Smack 'em in the face with Sue's approach, above and/or...
• Give them seemingly important tasks which have no real bearing on the project 

Their comeuppance:  

Wait till contract renewal and explain to your boss that the vendor - with you having given them, for months, tasks that add no value, that engaging the vendor is not worth departmentmental budget 

For more Workplace Personalities, click here

You might like: 

• The Indy
• Parents Lil Princess

9 to 5 - CorpSpeak

This series is a continuation of my TLA post.

 

You know it, you love it, it's CorpSpeak.

"You have been given the gift of feedback"

 

9 to 5 - CorpSpeak again

This series is a continuation of my TLA post.

You know it, you love it, it's CorpSpeak.

"We have to warm the sea on the beach where we're playing before we can boil the ocean"

Hello from Puppy Dog - Vicious fly!

Hello Mama's friends!

Today I had to defend my den from a vicious fly!

It was in the kitchen buzzing around and being very dangerous!

I had to jump and turn quickly and run and sometimes do all three at the same time!

I was snapping my jaws and panting and working really hard to catch that little flying beastie!

Then I turned around and Dada was standing in the kitchen doorway laughing his head off and saying something about wishing he'd had a camera.

Why was he laughing? Defending the den is serious business!

Hairless Apes are soooo weird sometimes...

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Work-Life Imbalance - Elevator madness

Last week I got into the elevator at the gym and looked for the scanner below the panel of buttons so I could swipe my pass and get electronic permission to push the button for my floor.

Work-life imbalance.

Hello From Puppy Dog - Green sweater lady

Hello Mama's friends!

The other day, a Green Sweater Lady came to our house. She seemed nice and I smelled lots of dogs on her. She's part of a big pack - I picked up two chiauaus, a cattle dog and a golden retriever. So I decided I could trust her.

She knelt down next to my bed and started petting me while she was chatting to Mama. I was a bit shaky and nervous so I started licking her to make sure that she knew I was her friend. I'm very clever that way...

Green Sweater Lady started rubbing me and it felt a bit funny. It wasn't like normal petting. She found the place I hurt on my right leg and I jumped and growled at her.

But she was nice and made sweet noises so I went back to sit with her. She kept stroking me quite hard and Mama seemed fine with it so I decided to submit and I lay on my back.

Then I started to realize that it felt quite nice and I got a bit tired and kept yawning. The Green Sweater Lady rubbed my leg and it actually felt better.

Then, just when I was really enjoying it, the Green Sweater Lady went away.

I've asked Mama for her to come back but she said something about me being the most spoilt dog in the world and I don't know if I'll see the Green Sweater Lady again...

Lots of love and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Quote Unquote - Dowry

Dinner party conversation (clearly post-alcohol consumption).

Person I don't know but want to meet:

"I don't get this foreskin thing. I keep finding things down there. Bits of string... buttons..."

Bill:

"Bitch, that's your dowry!"

Work-Life Imbalance - Stakeholders

Ever picked up the phone at home and dialled 9 for an outside line? Your work life has crept into your subconscious and you have a work-life imbalance. For more posts on examples, click on the Work Life Imbalance Category.

This somewhat frightening quote was contributed by the inimitable Bill.

"You know it's getting bad when you refer to your parents as stakeholders."

Work-Life Imbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaaaaaance.

Workplace Personalities - The Indy

How this person manages to get their work done is a mystery.

  

How they don't get themselves killed is also a mystery.

  

Because this is the person who comes into work on a Monday morning with stories of exploits, adventures and shenanigans which make you feel exhausted just listening to them.

  

They don't just stand in the crowds at the airshow - they fly in it.

  

They don't just go and see the pyramids - they do it on horseback.

  

They don't just go fishing - they fly their own plane and land on a sandback by the river.

  

Talking to this person is always fascinating and, if you are of the Couch Potato persuasion, you can experience a soupcon of life on the edge by living vicariously through them.

  

No SUV, no kids, no negative equity McMansion.

  

Nope.

  

This person is young and fit and brave. And when they're finished telling you about what they did last night, you can always ask about their previous life.

  

They once worked security and played bodyguard to Madonna.

  

They once played lead in a production of Phantom of the Opera.

  

They once flew a sick kid to his chemo appointment and, although it isn't strictly in the manual, flew him upside down for kicks.

  

Everything I have written here, believe it or not, is about one person I used to work with. 

 

I am waiting for the day that he actually does eat monkey brains.

 

 

Key signs:

• Constant international travel to dangerous locations
• A large stash of hard core survival travel gear
• Owns a plane or boat or jetski or other hardcore sports machine

 

Catch Phrases:

• I had to land my plane with no instruments last night
• When I was riding the horse to the pyramids... 

 

Your Strategy: Take them for coffee, sit back, listen and enjoy.

 

 

Their comeuppance:  Comeuppance?  Don't make me laugh!  Indy would kick the living shit out of anyone who attempted to deliver a comeuppance!

  

 

For more Workplace Personalities, click here 

 

You might like:

• The Ninja
• The Curmudgeon

 

Work-Life Imbalance - Sunday sick day

Ever picked up the phone at home and dialled 9 for an outside line? Your work life has crept into your subconscious and you have a work-life imbalance. For more posts on examples, click on the Work Life Imbalance Category.

I didn't feel well yesterday.

I ate some really White Trash Chow on Saturday followed Upper Middle Class Fodder that I am sure was cooked with some nice things - like full fat butter and cream. And so I wasn't hungover, I was... what shall we call it?

• Indulgedover?


• Fatovered?


• Eatovered?

Anyway, I pretty much lay on the couch all day watching movies and feeling sorry for myself.

And here's the kicker.

I kept feeling that guilty feeling you get when you take a sick day from work. I kept getting this little voice in my head that asked:

"Are you really sick enough to be spending the day on the
couch? Shouldn't you be trying to at least do some small work task?"

And I kept having to remind myself:

It's SUNday you fool!

Work-life imbalance.

9 to 5 - CorpSpeak again

This series is a continuation of my TLA post.

You know it, you love it, it's CorpSpeak.

This series records CorpSpeak I have overheard or, worse still, actually had someone say to me.

"We decided to hold a bakesale between the vendors."

 

   

Stuff Female People Like - No. 10: Fashion Magazines

This series is based on the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

10. Fashion Magazines

Female People like fashion magazines. Often, Male People aren't sure why their homes end up littered with pages torn from these glossy publications.

What is it about the fashion magazine that attracts the female person?

1. Pretty, shiny things

Fashion magazines to Female People are like car magazines to Male People - aspirational. They are packed full of articles, editorials and adverts which show stunning clothes, jewellery, shoes handbags - things the Female Person covets but cannot always have. Just looking at them, imagining being thin and rich enough to own them, is fun.

2. Fashion guidance

The fashion world is as unpredictable as the stock market. Wedge shoes which are triple A rated this season are a poisonous asset the next. Choosing what's hot and what's not is hard enough for the experts, let alone man on the street.

The Female Person needs help navigating these turbulent waters and finds the map she needs in the fashion magazine. Twenty minutes spent thumbing through the pages will explain she should buy those pumps in blue, not purple, that she can dust off her old red mary janes and that her wedges need to be put in their box and buried in the back of the closet until the inevitable circle of fashion life is complete and they come into vogue again.

3. A quick and easy escape, available when you need it

A magazine is not a book.

A fashion magazine is the sum of various parts which can be digested in bite-size chunks. Even reading the whole thing cover to cover doesn't take that long. Reading a magazine doesn't take commitment or carve a hunk out of a busy day. Reading a fashion magazine is like buying take out instead of cooking - quick and easy.

A fashion magazine is a convenient mini-escape that you can come back to again and again (especially if you leave it next to the toilet) without having to remember where you were.

A fashion magazine is always fresh. It has the same look, the same names for sections, the same approach, but there's a new issue on a weekly or monthly basis! Like fashion itself, it's never static or boring.

4. A wonderful world
Fashion magazines are carefully crafted to be things of beauty. Famous photographers apply their art in both the fashion shoots and the ads that intersperse them. Every person pictured in the fashion magazine is thin, has a geometrically proportioned face and has great hair. Between the covers of the magazine, it really is an amazing universe.

And so never mind how many of the fashion magazine's polished pages end up in recycling, for they've given a Female Person somewhere a little mental moment in a parallel world where everything is ordered perfection, before she looks up from the loo and realizes there's dust on the rim of the bath and she has to do another bloody microclean...

Stuff Female People Like - No. 9: Prequalifying Men

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

This entry is inspired by Healing Hands, a wonderful Massage Therapist who takes away my aches and pains.

9. Prequalifying Men

Single Female People have "A List". They don't tell the Single Male People they're dating, but they definitely talk it over with their other Female People friends.

The list can be anywhere on a scale from Kidding Around, through Vague Guideline With Room For Compromise, through to Ridiculously Rigid Requirments which will ensure the Single Female Person stays Single.

Items on the list are, of course, customized by each Single Female Person but there are shared criteria agreed upon with friends - usually in boozy bar brainstorming sessions. This might explain why some lists contain elements which may be a little bit unrealistic.

I have consulted various Single Female People I know, and here are some examples of items which are on their lists (please feel free to add your own in Comments on this post):

• A bathroom that is woman-friendly (i.e. clean)


• An annual income that puts him in the top tax bracket


• A house of his own


• A house of his own which is a WISE investment


• Living alone (i.e. no roommates, family, lodgers)


• A university degree


• Evidence that he is good with children


• Doesn't look at the bill at the end of the dinner - he just puts the card down


• Doesn't say cheesy things during sex like "Just be here - now..."


• Doesn't cry after sex


• Doesn't talk about ex-wife


• No kids from previous marriages


• Not prettier than me


• Knows how to put up shelves, BBQ, wire a plug, change a lightbulb


• Owns more than 20 books


• Doesn't pay for the extra special sports cable package


• No-one knows his name at his local bar


• No bible next to his bed


• Doesn't argue about the damn condom


• Likes dogs/cats/whatever pet the Female Person has as her pet


• Makes me laugh


• Can dance


• Doesn't burp or fart in front of me till we have had sex at least 10 times


• Goes down without being asked


• Doesn't push my shoulders to force me down there


• Doesn't call his mother more than once a week


• Doesn't shop at Walmart for clothes


• Keeps his porn well hidden


• Can cook


• Has a plant in his house that isn't dead


• Has more than 5 inches


• Smells good


• etc. etc. etc.