Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 2.1

I have joined the ranks of the non-925ers.

Today I went to an 8:30 yoga class.

No executive women prancing in to the locker room in high heels with their gym kit in a designer holdall. No 40ish balding men pushing themselves harder than they should, making ooomph noises on the weight machines.

Nope.

Housewives and retirees.

For the men especially, clothing was far, far less trendy. See the older gentleman in the light grey, loose tracksuit pants, waistband just under his nipples, bottom of the legs tucked into his socks.

For the women, hair was far more messy. See the two women with the flyaway, uncombed, hair, expensive defrizzing sprays clearly no longer on the shopping list.

The atmosphere was wonderful - completely different to the worker bee gym hours.

Voices were lower, movements were slower, this was not a place for stress. Also, people clearly knew each other, chatting and catching up, waving greetings as they laid their mats out.

The class was soft, stretchy, sweet and destressing.

Purrrrrrrrrrrrrfect.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 2.0

Ah yes, the Seven Stages of Grief.

Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.

The meeting request came at 7:25 for a face to face session at 8:30. I was at the gym being punished by my personal trainer, Silent Evil, so was blissfully unaware of the shitstorm brewing. When I got home I saw the invite, contacted my boss, and the meeting was rescheduled for later in the afternoon. I suspected, but I didn't quite get it.

All through the day the instant messages and emails were flying. Jokes in the office like "How you doing?" answered with "Well, I'm still here." I kept my head down and worked like crazy. I still didn't get it.

I went to the meeting room for the 3pm session. It was an office, far away from where my colleagues sit. Hmmm, I thought, why aren't my boss and I just meeting in his office? I might have been starting to get it.

And then, the meeting itself. The HR Drone was there. Ah, now I get it.

My poor, sweet boss practically read from a script, talking about economic conditions and streamlining. I didn't question him on anything - it clearly wasn't a very fun moment for him.

The HR Drone - who I had clashed with in the past - warning to all, never piss off HR - said there was a pack of information for me and I could take it home and ask questions later, or he could go through it. Fuck you, I thought, I'm not making this easy for you. "Let's go through it," I said, and prided myself on making as much eye contact with him as possible as he listed the various information. He broke eye contact a bunch of times - each moment he had to look away was a small, petty triumph for me.

Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.

As HR Drone came to the end of his schpiel, he said that, of course, if I have any questions I can save them for later when I've had time to digest it all, and I can call him at any time, and gave me his card. Nice try on steering me to let you off easy, I thought. You damn fecking right I have questions.

"I'd like to know," I said, "about the wider context of this decision. My question is - Why me?"

HR Drone opened his mouth to spout some scripted BS but I cut him off.

"I actually want [My boss] to answer that," I said.

My boss explained that, with the pending department reorganization, they had mapped out the new requirements, looked at the skills available and found that there were duplicates.

Color me crazy, but I do believe this, to some degree. The company has a lot of reorgnizations and my upper management must have considered everyone they have accross the globe. And the skills track that I have been on - Six Sigma and Project Management - is a combination of (a) a skillset that hasn't really found a lot of buy-in in the organization and (b) a skillset where there are a lot of people more qualified and experienced at it than me. So I guess it makes sense, really.

Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.

I didn't really get angry in the meeting. But I know that the 7 stages aren't linear and I sure as hell am feeling some of that today.

They said on the news that just over 1,000 people got canned in my neck of the woods. Considering the number of employees of my firm in this area, that's only 4%. How the hell did I end up being one of the 4% that is considered Surplus to Requirements? I should be in the top 4% of performers, Goddammit!

First, anger turned inward on myself.

Should I have worked harder, longer hours? Did I get sucked into the corporate BS that told us we should "collaborate" by sharing the credit for a project with a colleague instead of just taking it over and making it my own? Should I not have worn amusing T-shirts, made sure I had makeup on every day? Should I have searched high and wide for a meaningful project and then muscled my way onto it? Should I not have emailed an question to the CIO? Should I have not taken work time to go for medical appointments?

Second, anger directed at other people.

Is there anyone else in my group that got canned too? Or is it just me? I mean - come on! - there are some people that are not as good at their jobs as I am. Did I seriously get shafted and not them?

What about all the people who stiffed me? What about the guy who bitched in a meeting in front of my boss and all my colleagues that I had contacted one of his stakeholders, when my boss had told me to? What about the guy that blamed me for doing a project that had some work in it that overlapped with his, because he believed that his team owned this area, and my boss believed we owned that area, and they just weren't talking to each other? What about that HR Drone I once shat on by email because he chastised me and cc'd my boss? What about the guy who just didn't do what he was asked to do and, when I asked my boss for help handling him, I was told that I should learn to improve my impact and influence over others?

So now I'm thinking, will I really miss these people?

No, but they were in the minority. There were some really cool colleagues there.

But, sadly, the minority is often the most vocal. Did their voices stack against me, blacken my dance card? Can I blame them for this?

Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.

Bargain attempt 1: I was told that my network access was going to be cut off later that day. I asked how I could look for other internal jobs when I had no network access. Sorry, HR Drone told me, usually people are given time to do that but, because of the large cuts today and the fact that there really are no open positions, network access is being cut off this time.

Bargain attempt 2: I asked whether, in the new organization that was being planned, there were any posts that weren't filled. There were none, HR Drone said very firmly, and there was no headcount available in the entire extended department.

Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.

I actually got a bit pissed off at myself. After holding eye contact with HR Drone throughout his scripted monologue about the GetTheFeckOut Information Packet, I suddenly started to tear up. I really didn't want to cry.

But then I thought, What the hell. Men hate it when women cry so I shouldn't try to disguise it too much. Let them feel uncomfortable.

But the final straw was my boss trying to say a little something personal at the end about his regret. And the sad thing is that I really did enjoy working for him. The third manager in less than 2 years at the company, he was finally someone who seemed to have my best interests at heart and wanted me to progress and do well.

But he obviously hadn't fought hard enough to keep me, and that made me sad. It still does.

Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.

Having only 12 minutes of network access left, I stayed in the building and sent a message to my team and closest colleagues explaining that I was leaving. I asked them outright for help with contacts and their network.

It's very interesting the reactions you get. Your suspicions about who will become part of your business network, who will remain an acquaintance, who will become a friend and who'll you never speak to, hear from or miss are pretty much confirmed within half an hour of the email going out.

• Some don't email you at all. Nuff said.


• Some send platitudes about hoping the economy improves and don't include personal emails. So long.


• Some send personal information with a vague promise to stay in touch, which you reciprocate but you know neither of you will honor. Whatever.


• Some send invitations to connect on LinkedIn, which makes perfect sense. Good move.


• And some give you real recommendations, information and contacts. Bless their hearts.

Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

I don't know if I have reached this yet. Probably not. I'll keep you posted.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 1.0

The greed grew, the financial instruments got too complex, the oversight was shoddy, the focus narrowed on shareholder rather than stakeholder value, a few companies crashed, everyone lost confidence, even organizations with huge cash reserves had to promise the market cut backs and wham! BAM! Thank you M'am... I got laid off this afternoon.

Emotional journey today... I travelled through, around, and back to one or more of the following towns:

• Why Meville


• Thisuckston


• New Migraine


• Itill Allbe OKrellie


• Iscrewed Upborough


• Itbetternot Justbe Mevale


• Iwanna TheirEyes Outclaw


• Insanity Grove


• Cryme Ariver


• Kiss Mybottom


• Feelingdown


• Letsgo Climbanew Mountain


• Ican Dothis

What highs and lows and twists and turn await us on this new journey?

Tune in, dear friends, and find out.

I will chronicle it day by day for your amusment and to preserve what's left of my sanity.

Quote Unquote

Fluffy Bear:

"Today is Star Wars day. May the fourth be with you!"

Yes, I have to live with this.

Divided by a Common Language - The Violin Case

 

Years ago I was on the tube, the Piccadilly Line from Heathrow into downtown London.

Knowing the trains are packed with tourists, the buskers love that line. Sure enough, about three stations out of Heathrow, a guy got on the train, announced that he'd be collecting any donations after his song, and started playing the violin.

Afterwards, he went around with a cap. An American tourist with me gave him 50p and then, after he went away, asked me if she'd given him enough.

I said yes, and that she didn't have to give anything if she didn't want to.

After all, I added, you can always tell the regular commuters, plugged into their iPods, books or newspapers open, conspicuously ignoring the little hat being waved in front of them.

She was relieved that she hadn't committed a tipping faux pas.

"It's just so different in New York," she said. "If we see a guy get on the train with a violin case, we duck!"

Bucket List - My fifteen seconds of fame

The Bucket List is a list of things I want to do/feel I should do before I die.  I've done some of them already, and I'm telling one of those stories here.  To see the whole list, click here.

Years ago, I got tickets to be in the audience of a comedy talk show. We sat about half way up the studio audience seats, and I was near the aisle.

There was a warm up lady, whose jokes proved she'd never have her own show, who got us in the mood and gave us instructions on what to do. My favorite bit of her advice was when she told us to laugh at the guests' jokes even if they weren't funny, to make them feel comfortable.

Anyway, we practiced clapping and whooping and laughing, because God forbid anything be remotely genuine on TV.

Then the show started and it actually was very funny. I laughed so hard I misted my glasses up.

I saw a cameraman come towards me, but he had his camera at waist height and I thought he was focusing on the woman in front me, because her chest was like two Labrador puppies in a sack.

The show paused for the host to chill and get a drink and the warm up lady came out to tell us all what a good little audience we were being.

"You are all great!" she screeched. "Except for that woman over there who cleaned her glasses!"

I'm not kidding.

She pointed right at me and everyone turned to look. Fluffy Bear and our friends were paralytic with laughter and my dear husband refused to let me hide behind him.

Never mind, I thought. They'll just cut that bit out and use another generic audience shot.

But no.

We got home that night and there I was, in the middle of the frame, everyone around me laughing and clapping while I dared to do something different - polish my specs like a total dork.

But I've been on TV... that counts for something, right?

Right?

Quote Unquote - The Silver Lining

Bill to me:

"You can find the cloud in any silver lining."

Quote Unquote

We were watching an episode of Castle and the key characters were playing poker. Beckett, the female lead, had an ace and a king. Which prompted this little nugget from Fluffy Bear:

"You know what an ace and a king hand is called in Poker? An Anna Kournikova. Wanna know why? Looks great, wins nothing."

Hell is other people - How not to sell a renovated house

1. Hold an open house before the renovation is finished and the varnish on the deck is still sticky.


2. Put a "Media Room" in the basement which is so narrow it can only fit two small armchairs side by side


3. Make interesting spend/no spend decisions in the kitchen: a special water tap next to the stove, but no water/ice dispenser on the fridge; two sinks but no garbage disposal


4. Show the house on a sunny day with the windows closed so it's hot. When a prospective buyer asks if the house has air conditioning, tell her "No, but all the windows open!"


5. Create an upstairs deck which is off the two kids bedroom rather then the master bedroom


6. Create a walk-in closet in the master bedroom that's so small only a nudist's wardrobe would fit in it


7. Put interesting art all over the place, like a five foot diameter clock with massive Roman numerals, a strange 6 foot long, 3 foot wide metal arrow. When people visit a house they want to visualize themselves in it, not deal with your taste in art. When a prospective buyer whispers feedback that the art is distracting from the overall house, say "I'm an expert in this," and walk away.


8. Put the house, in an area where comparable houses have sold for $500 - $800K less, on the market for over $2 million

WTF?

Yeah, good luck with that.

Being a Doggy Mama - Life through a dog owner's eyes

You see: A cute kid with her Dad saying hello to a doggie and playing ball with him

Dog Owner sees: Impending doom

Why: Dog Owner knows that if the stupid kid doesn't let go of the ball soon and keeps waving it in front of Dog's face, Dog is going to snatch it out of her hand and only fate can tell whether or not his teeth will make contact with her juicy little fingers and then the Dad will be mad and Dog Owner will have to grab Dog and say sorry and hope and pray that this doesn't turn into a lawsuit.

You see: A cute squirrel

Dog Owner sees: Medical bills

Why: Dog and Squirrel are arch enemies. Dog believes Squirrel should be crunched to death in its jaws. Squirrel believes Dog can be thwarted by simpy staring him down. Therefore, Squirrel just sits in the tree with hypno eyes. This means that Dog will bound forward, leash or no leash. At best, more visits to the massage therapist for your shoulder. At worst, you hit the deck and it's the chiropractor.

You see: Disgusting dirty tennis ball left on the sidewalk

Dog Owner sees: A free prize!

Why: Dog owner can say "Whassat? Whassat?" to Dog and witness his joy as he finds, and grabs, the tennis ball, tail high, wagging effusively.

You see: A hygiene crime

Dog Owner sees: Practicality

Why: Dog Owner has taken Dog for a long walk. All the water fountains are too high for dog and dont have sprays that are strong enough to go over the fountain and reach the floor. Therefore, Dog Owner has to buy a bottle of water at the pharmacy and share it with Dog. Dog Owner loves Dog, sees Dog panting and so lets Dog drink first. Dog Owner pours water into their palm and Dog laps it. Dog's tongue may touch the rim of the bottle. Dog Owner is thirsty too and figures that, hell, this aint that different from when I let Dog kiss me, so wipes off the edge of the water bottle and has a drink themselves. It's just more practical that way.

You see: Two dogs sniffing each other and then starting to growl and bark... how cute!

Dog Owner sees: Dead Dog

Why: Dog Owner knows that it is impossible to predict how two dogs will react to each other. Both may be docile and friendly yet not with each other. They may be friends, have play dates, but just have a problem with each other that particular day. Any inkling of things getting out of control is scary - very scary.

You see: A tennis court in the park with people playing on a nice summer's day

Dog Owner sees: A test of dog training

Why: For Dog, tennis ball has one function only: prey. The fact that humans are hitting them around is just a bonus - prey with game. Getting Dog to walk past tennis court without going completely insane is going to be very difficult. Dog Owner instantly regrets not having spent more time training Dog.

You see: Kids playing frisbee in the park

Dog Owner sees: A test of dog training + potential law suit.

Why: At least a tennis court has a fence around it.

Quote Unquote

Nuggets from Carrie Fisher:

"Celebrity is often just Obscurity biding it's time."

Quoting her grandmother:

"A fly is just as likely to land on shit as on pie."

"Go ahead and cry! You'll pee less!"

Hello from Puppy Dog - Dog Day

Hello Friends!

Boy it's hot today! I am tired after my walk!

Mama is asking Dada if having a furkid qualifies her for a treat on Mother's Day. He's ignoring her.

I asked Mama why there isn't a Dog Day and she said "Every day is your bloody day, my Boy."

I think that's a bit cheeky! Since when is every day my day?

Every day involves a walk, meals, fresh water, three beds to choose from (excluding the one in the moving den) and treats. How is that special?

My own pool - that would be special. Oh wait... I have one.

My own yard - that would be special. Oh wait... I have one.

A special place of my own... that would be special. Oh wait... I have a special tent den where Mama and Dada keep my toys and I can go and sit in any time.

A chance to hang out with friends... that would be special. Oh wait... I get to go to doggy daycare once a week.

Being able to go anywhere in the house... that would be special. Oh wait... I'm allowed on the sofas and Mama and Dada's bed.

My own TV channel... that would be special. Oh wait... Mama and Dada leave Animal Planet on TV for me when they go out.

Hey!

I guess every day IS my day!

Wow!

I can't wait till tomorrow! It's DOG DAY!

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Quote Unquote

"You so dumb you think Roe v. Wade are two ways to cross a river."

John Stewart, The Daily Show

I am Woman - Low-grade sexism

I went to a work "morale event" this week. It was go-karting. I was one of three females there. I had to put a helmet sock over my head and mess up my makeup and hair. I've only done karting once in my life - unlike the guys who said "we know these" when the rules guy did the safety briefing. I don't think of myself as a crappy or hesistant driver... I can be pretty aggressive. But I suck at karting.

I really tried. I tried to get the feel of the car. I tried to be aggressive. I tried to copy what the guys around me were doing. But all I got was the blue flag waved frantically at me which meant "pull to the right and get the feck out of the way because you're blocking guys behind you who are better than you."

I came off the track and said - very loudly - "They do team days at spas, you know!"

I felt really uncomfortable through the whole thing.

On the way home, I started thinking about the morale events we've had over the last few years. Bowling, Pool, Karting, Baseball, Basketball.

Yes, women bowl. Yes, women play pool. Yes women can drive karts. Yes, women like to watch baseball and basketball.

But you gotta admit, these are all more mannish activities.

There are four strategies that I can think of to deal with these events:

1. Don't go (i.e. miss the networking opportunity)


2. Go but don't participate (i.e. be a decorative woman)


3. Go and be so good that you beat the men at their own game (this takes talent or a lot of practice - who can be bothered? - and ends up getting you seen as one of the boys)


4. Go and participate and be crap (i.e. be humiliated and be forced to be a "good sport" even though this activity isn't something you would ever choose to do or pay money for).

I tend to go with 4, and try to leave early. But I don't really have that much fun.

Am I reading too much into this, or are these events evidence of a low-grade sexism?

(feel free to answer in the Comments)

I am trying to think of team events that I'd be more comfortable with. The goals of a team event are decompression, interaction, networking, fun.

How about:

• Linedancing?


• Karaoke?


• Salsa lessons?


• Booking up a comedy club and asking them to pause between acts for us to eat and hang out?


• Trivia night booked at a pub?


• Wine tasting basics evening?


• Cooking class?

Now I'm looking up stuff online. Check this out:

• Drum class


• Rowing


• There's a guy that comes and reads your palm! Now we're talking!


• Go to a local tourist haunt (how many people see tourist sites in their own town?)


• Geocaching or treasure hunts
• Chocolate tasting class! YEAH!

And yes there are cooking classes, wine tasting, etc., too.

OK now I'm being pro-active. I'm going to email these links to my boss. We'll see what happens...

Quote Unquote

To be fair, this is probably a misquote, but it's the best I can do from memory.

I was flicking through the channels and ended up in the middle of an episode of Wife Swap.

In this show, wives from very different families swap over for a week or two. For the first part of the stay with their guest family, they abide by the rules of the lady of the house. For the second part, they can impose their own rules.

To make it "good" TV, the producers tend to choose very different families for the swaps. In this episode, a very hippy dippy family had swapped wives with a down-home cowboy family.
When I turned to the channel, Hippy Mama was telling her host family her new rules, and was addressing the Cowboy Dad, who was slouching on the couch sporting blue jeans, a Southern drawl and - of course! - a cowboy hat.

Hippy Mama explained that her husband walks around the house in a sarong and, now that the family had to follow her rules, the Cowboy Dad would do the same. And this is how she justified it:

"You need to feel the breeze of inspiration blow accross your loins."

He said something rude, stood up and walked out.

You gotta love dat trash TV!

Hello from Puppy Dog - Poke!

Hello Friends!

Today Mama took me to the people who poke at you. There are always lots of great smells there - lots of dogs and sometimes a kitty to growl at. But then they always poke you.

There was a tall man and he kept rubbing me around my neck. He said that he was just petting me in a strange way but I wasn't buying it. I wasn't born into the litter yesterday!

Mama told him about a pea under my skin. I don't eat peas! What the heck was she talking about?

The nice man kept rubbing and rubbing and then he went away and a woman with orange fingernails - I could tell they were vile even though I don't see colors very well - came in and she did the same thing.

And then Mama said "Here it is!"

Then the orange fingered lady put on a buzzing machine and cut off some of my fur!

Then she took me in the back and the tall man poked me with a needle!

OW!

Some hairless apes sure do get their kicks in strange ways...

Afterwards Mama took me to the dog park so that made me feel better. But I had a hard time explaining to the other dogs why I had a small bald patch. Then I had a brainwave! I told them I got it on with a vicious bitch! Now who's the coolest dawg?

He he he he.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog.

Divided by a Common Language - Eurovision 3

Eurovision Semi-final 2 Song Reviews

Here are my Eurovision song reviews for the songs which will be in the second semi-final. You can find the songs on YouTube or eurovision.tv.

My previous reviews are here. An explanation of what the feck Eurovision actually is is here.

I have included the scores of my dear friend, Everywhereventually, a Eurovision officionado. You can see his take on Eurovision and his reviews on the songs on his site, here. Check the blog archives on the right.

Croatia - Lijepa Tena
As soon as this song started I thought I was in a Greek or Italian restaurant and someone had put on a CD for ambience. The song is not in either of those languages, of course, it just has that restaurant-CD feel. The man and woman singing didn’t harmonize very well in the version I saw – hopefully they do better on the night. Then they both started warbling. Spare me.
Score: 3/10
EE score: 33/100

Ireland – Et cetera
All woman band in an 80s look with black shirt-dresses and pink glitter lycra leggings. Oh yes, this is what I’m talking about. Cheesy. Silly. Catchy. Pop so shallow an ant couldn’t drown in it. Perfect.
Score: 8/10
EE score: 32/100

Latvia – Sastrēgums
90s rock/pop/indie/whatever. The band seems to be taking themselves far too damn seriously. This poprock song is completely unmemorable, despite the band’s efforts to shout certain words annoyingly. Not in English, which won’t help their score. Whatever.
Score: 3/10
EE score: 31/100

Serbia – Cipela
The song opens with some killer accordion playing, which is then somewhat strangely followed by a middle aged white man with a beard and a strange red afro singing a-la-Topol in Fiddler on the Roof. The great accordion is let down by a horrible synthetic beat and this awful raspy singing. Then a very pretty blonde dances on and is dipped by big hair guy and blows him a kiss. Yeah, dude, AS IF.
Score: 3/10
EE score: 10/100

Poland – I don’t Wanna Leave
A lovely voice catches the attention immediately. A pretty girl, a power ballad. Nice, but not interesting enough to win.
Score: 7/10
EE score: 34/100

Norway – Fairytale
Norway is never boring. But one is never sure exactly what Norwegian culture is as each year that I have seen them they seem to show the essence of another country. Here we have what looks like Russian dancers and a fresh-faced boy who plays the fiddle and sings. He sings and plays rather well and the song is simple, but satisfactory. Actually, this isn’t too bad. The kind of song you’d clap along to and is benign enough to be played on an Easy Listening station.
Score: 8/10
EE score: 84/100

Cyprus – Firefly
Pretty young woman, conservatively dressed, singing sweetly. I thought for a moment that this was building into something interesting, but it turned out to be another song that could be in a Disney animated movie. I kept visualizing an animated firefly hopping across a pond. Someone else could take this song and do a complete makeover with it and perhaps have a hit. But not this band.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 52/100

Slovakia – Let T’mou
A ballad in a foreign language sung by a pretty girl. Then some slimy guy with too much hair gel comes on and they don’t harmonize. Shitakia.
Score: 2/10
EE score: 18/100

Denmark – Believe Again
Yum. Cute lead singer. Cute band. Cute song. Wakey wakey girlie bijingoes! The song isn’t quite catchy enough but it’s good eye candy without infantile boy band dance moves.
Score: 8/10
EE score: 42/100

Slovenia – Love Symphony
Nice staging – the performers each behind their own white screen, backlit, so you see them as shadows playing their instruments. But then the four violinists reach up and pull down their own white screens – tacky that they couldn’t come up with something automatic – and a Hooked on Classics beat comes in. Then the lead singer starts to sing a bit from behind her screen. Oh! I get it. The violinists and cellist are the main players – she’s a token vocal! All she sings is “Feeling free in this love symphony” and a few other lines I couldn’t discern because she was shrieking. Oh wait, she’s torn down her screen now. Hmmmm. Whatever.
Score: 5/10
EE score: 53/100

Hungary – Dance with Me
OK this song is far too good to be a Eurovision song. This should be a REAL song on an album. Disco beat. Cute guy. Fun. I like it. It will play in clubs, for sure.
Score: 10/10
EE score: 67/100

Azerbaijan – Always
Pop song with ethnic under-beat. Not as good as Turkey’s Dum Tek Tek but not bad. Chorus is catchy. Another one that will play in Ibizan clubs over the summer.
Score: 9/10
EE score: 68/100

Greece – This is our Night
Dance beat, cute guy thrusting his hips. Promising, but the chorus doesn’t deliver. There are other countries doing the same thing better.
Score: 7/10
EE score: 86/100

Lithuania – Love
Melodic piano opens the song. Cute guy, cute hat, plays and sings. Chorus isn’t bad but Elton John he aint. This is the kind of boy, kind of song, you want to take home to Mom. Up to you to judge if that is a good or bad thing.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 64/100

Moldova - Hora Din Moldova
Having the name of the country in the song title doesn’t auger well. Starts with a woman quasi-yodelling and pan flutes. Then the Baltic beat comes in. Lots of Hey-Heys and dancing in lines kicking. Oh dear. I’m back in the Greek restaurant again.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 92/100

Albania – Carry me in your Dreams
Ooh! Good beat to start. Oh dear, here comes the cheesy pop synth beat. There is nothing wrong with shallow pop if it is well done. This isn’t.
Score: 5/10
EE score: 90/100

Ukraine – Be my Valentine (anti-crisis girl)
This woman is just…. Well... scary.
More badly written English lyrics: On my pride and prejudice/I will just reminisce/These are the things you can’t miss/Come on give me a kiss.
She keeps ending every line with "BOM" and when she precedes it with "you are sexy" it sounds like “You are sexy bum.” Flashbacks to the Cheeky Girls! AAARGH!
I don’t know how or why but the beat, the melody, the song just somehow ends up being farce instead of fun.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 95/100

Estonia – Randajad
This reminds me of those sexy classical girls like Vanessa Mae. There is something dark and elegant and sensual about this one, but not in slutty way.
The lead singer is stunningly beautiful and her hair would make the average Goth girl want to cry. Long, black, straight with a 100% symmetrical fringe across her ivory skinned face.
If she can sing in English we may see her getting a mainstream recording contract. This is a very refreshing entry, but I don’t think it is a contender for the top spot.
Score: 9/10
EE score: 81/100

The Netherlands – Shine
This is what happened to Abba in a parallel universe. They got old and fat but kept singing, and their songs were OK but not really as catchy and fun and good as they used to be.
I know I am being ageist and a beauty Nazi but really, this is just a bit lame. It’s like your dad getting up to do Karaoke in public at your birthday party in front of all your friends. Ick.
Score: 4/10
EE score: 61/100

Quote Unquote

For obvious reasons, the source of this quote is anonymous.

"My father went on a date with a woman who turned out to be a
grifter and got arrested in front of him."

Divided by a Common Language - Eurovision 2

Eurovisions Semi-Final 1 Song Reviews

 

Here is my first pass at a Eurovision song review. You can find the songs on YouTube or eurovision.tv. If you want to know what the feck Eurovision is, check this post.

First I must tell you that I have scored these without reading Everywhereventually’s scores. I put them in afterwards. No doubt debate will follow.

Montenegro – Just Get out of my Life
Genre: Bubblegum
Performer: Bubblehead brunette
Strange dissonance between the elegant dress of the singer and lack of backup dancers while singing a poppity-pop song. You can tell she’d rather be doing a Celine Dion.
The key to a pop song is that the tune is catchy, sticks in your head and the lyrics are good, but simple enough to instantly allow you to sing along. This one isn’t actually that bad. They’ll lose on presentation though.
Score: 8/10

EE Score: 65/100

Czech Republic – Aven Romale
Genre: Ethnic with pop overlay
Performer: Group with traditional instruments and… well, read on.
I had to rewind this video on YouTube and watch it again. The group starts surrounding the singer. Two violinists and two guitarists, all dressed in black. Between them you see bright orange peeking through, and, as they part, there is a billowing of fabric. I expected a tall, statuesque brunette in a tasteful cocktail dress.
But no.
It’s a strange little man in an orange jumpsuit with a cape who then gets all hip hop before returning to a gypsy beat. His disturbing tiny triangle goatee gives him the face of an arch-nemesis, while his badly fitting clothes deliver a superhero from the neck down. It’s all very, very strange.
Score: Irrelevant. Too fecking weird.

EE Score: 1/100

Belgium – Copycat
Genre: Elvis
Elvis impersonator lead singer, doo wop backing singers with big pink hair, a guy on a double bass and a guy on vintage style electric guitar. In the background, some adorable animation. Fun, cute, upbeat and well executed. I am not sure if the voting audience will go for a fifties vibe, but I love it.
Score: 10/10

EE Score: 9/100

Belarus – Eyes that Never Lie
Genre: Rock
At first I thought this was going to be boring. Another rock song with noisy electric guitar proving that there are a few kinds of music that Europe simply cannot do better than the good ole U S of A. And then the lead singer comes out.
Platinum hair, hot off the hairdresser’s straightening tong press, whiter than white suit, a mile of smile and acres of ego.
The sleeves of the jacket have some kind of strange long stiff cuffs so he looks like he has coffee filters on his wrists.
Oh, God – jacket unzipped at the front half way to his navel… ick.
Considering the tyranny of beauty standards to which women are held, I choose to discriminate equally and so I feel completely justified in telling you that the singer has a slightly fat arse. Why the hell is he wearing white?
You will notice I am not talking about the song at all. That’s because it’s still playing and I’ve already completely forgotten it.
Score: 2/10

EE score" 40/100

Sweden – La Voix
Genre: Opera-pop. And yes, you’re right, there shouldn’t be such a thing.
What’s the name of that woman that sent a picture of herself naked to Sly Stallone and then married him? Well, whatever her name is, imagine her still young and with long stringy hair and you have the lead singer of this song.
Starting with a faux operatic warble, like you might find in a stage musical, the backing singers/dancers/eye candies part and there she is, in a strange black gown with feathers on her shoulders.
Oh God she’s gone back to warbling, only now over a bubblegum pop beat. It’s like a nightmare Hooked on Classics.
Let me tell you a secret darling, doing this kind of song doesn’t prove that you can do pop and opera – it just proves you’re crap at both.
Oh feck, I swear she just gargled.
Puppy dog is now barking in protest.
Verily, dear brethren, this sucks.
Score: NUL POINTS

EE score: 21/100

Armenia – Jan Jan
Genre: Ethnic pop
Starts with warbling which, after the last abomination, is not a good sign. But then some kind of local instrument and a good beat. First woman singer is a OK, then in comes the other one saying they are a team. Is this a repeat of Russia’s little gay girls of a few years ago?
Oh, no. They are sisters.
This song has a chance. It has the same kind of gypsy/ethnic/pop vibe that often wins. Good beat, but I don’t think the chorus is in English which will negatively impact memorability.
Oh dear. The sisters appear to be riffing and yelling “Jump it up with a Jan Jan!”
Hard to tell how this will do.
Score: 7/10

EE score: 67/100

Andorra – Get a Life
Genre:
Blonde with a messy hairstyle and short skirt holding a guitar. I am surprised she can keep her eyes open with all that black makeup.
Singing in a language other than English – that never helps you get votes.
This song sounds like something off an album by a singer from a girl band who has tried to break out on her own but her first single just isn’t good enough to stand out.
Yawn.
Score: 6/10

EE score: 32/100

Switzerland – the Highest Heights
Genre: Boy band
The right slightly messy hair, leather jackets, every band member wearing something in black, lolloping around the stage like boys in band do… they sure do look the part.
But the song is boring.
Blah.
Score: 6/10

EE score: 12/100

Turkey – Dum Tek Tek
Genre: EuroPop
This is perfection. This is what a Eurovision song should be – instantly catchy, a soupcon of the country it comes from (the title, an instrument warbling through the drums), fun, memorable lyrics that anyone could sing whether they are English speaking or not, sexy – but not slutty – singer.
Stunning
Score: 10/10

EE score: 72/100

Israel – There must be another way
Genre: Easy listening
I’ve looked this up on Google and it seems that one singer, Noa, is a top Jewish recording artist, while Mira Awad is a Christian Arab singer and actress. The song is sung in English, Hebrew and Arabic.
This is the first time an Arab has represented Israel in the contest. Well, once they had had a transsexual, one could argue all doors were opened. However, at least Dana International was good. As much as I like the fact that a song with this title and these symbolic performers has got through for Israel, I doubt the world will see the message because it just isn’t good enough to get through to the final. Then again, it might get through purely as a political ploy so the message can get out there. We all know that peace between Israel and Palestine would make a large contribution to peace for us all.
The woman wrote the song. Genius women– getting on a major public stage with a message of peace.
On a lighter note, I have no idea who dressed these women but that person should be shot for the good of mankind.
Score (non-political): 6/10

EE score: 26/100

Bulgaria – Illusion
Genre: Excrement
Fresh-faced boy singer who, inexplicably, is wearing chainmail. It’s like a bad, noisy Pet Shop Boys song. The various vocals don’t gel together, the lyrics are indiscernible, the tune is tedious, the boy singer keeps warbling like a castrato with only one ball cut off. Just, well, crap.
Score: 4/10

EE score: 7/100

Iceland – Is it true?
Genre: Pop Ballad
Pretty blonde girl who sings well. A nice enough song, Cherryl Crow or Carly Simon style. Nice enough. Not fun though.
Score: 7/10

EE score: 14/100

FYR Macedonia - Neshto Shto Ke Ostane
Genre: Rock
A few years ago a glam rock band dressed like Orks won. Since then at least a few countries try going this route. Jon Bon Jovi 80s hair, jeans, shirt untucked, waistcoat… you get the idea.
Not singing in English – a minus. Boring rock.
Score: 6/10

EE score: 55/100

Romania - The Balkan girls
Europop crap with over-make-upped bimbosluts. Lyrics excerpt:
The Balkan girls, they like to party
Like nobody, like nobody
(the groovy light, we'll shine all night)
My hips are ready to glow
This record is so hot and I have so much to show
I'll find a boy for a kiss
Who knows, maybe he'll be my prince.
Score: 4/10
EE score: 74/100

Finland – Lose Control
White boys shouldn’t rap unless they are White Trash and especially not if they aren’t first language English speakers. The female singers were amateurish. Even having people behind them twirling fire batons couldn’t make this interesting. No catchy tune. Lame lyrics. Bad singers. Crap.
Score: 2/10
EE score: 48/100

Portugal: Todas as Ruas do Amor
A rather sturdy woman with strange bits of red stuff plaited into her hair with an acoustic band behind her sings a very boring song in Portugese. Clearly all you have to do to give this woman a great date is take her to MacDonalds, because she dances as if the song she is singing actually has a fun beat and melody. It obviously doesn’t take much to please her.
Score: 2/10
EE score: 54/100

Malta – What if we
A nice song which you might hear on a Broadway stage or as a background to a Disney animated movie. It even has the inspirational lyrics: “There will be a star, no matter how far, shining…” The woman who sings it is good, but the song is no fun at all. I keep waiting for a small, cute, fluffy, animated dog to appear, training in Kung Fu.
Score: 5/10
EE score: 32/100

Bosnia & Herzegovina – Bistra Voda
Pale little boy with bad hair dressed in a coat he stole from Adam Ant. Actually, the arrangement and melody of this song are growing on me. But, sadly, it’s like foreplay that doesn’t lead to climax and, eventually, gets less and less exciting. There seems to be a military motif which, considering the country’s recent history, may indicate that the song is steeped in meaning. However, as it isn’t sung in English, I’ll never know, and neither will the people who vote on the night.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 13/100

Being a Doggy Mama - Funny Moments with Puppy Dog 1

Funny moments with Puppy Dog

1. You fart audibly while standing next to him. He looks up at you, puzzled, then steps back behind you and sniffs your butt.




2. You carry your dinner from the kitchen to the lounge. He follows you, nose in the air, sniffing like a cartoon character savouring a wafting yellow or pink colored smell in the air




3. He walks round and round on his cushion, paws it a few times, then plonks himself down




4. His head pops up from behind the coffee table if he hears a squeaking noise on the TV




5. He gets up from his lounge cushion at 11pm, walks across the dining room, claws clicking on the wooden floor, looks back at us - still watching TV - resentfully, and pads off to the bedroom. It's obviously bedtime, and we are late!