That's Life - That's what friends are for...

A friend of mine is introducing us to the person he's started dating recently. It's always a big step when you meet someone who might become a big part of your friend's life. Sure, you're vetting them, but you also have to make sure that you contribute to a good impression of your friend.

So I got to thinking...

What would I say if I wanted to fuck up my friend's budding relationship?

1. Has he shown you his stamp collection yet? You know, he really is quite the philatelist!


2. Are we on for karaoke this week? I hear Bert is back - (to her) Bert is this asshole who thinks he's Elvis reincarnated - but he's no match for us. Honey (to him), have you downloaded the karaoke version of "Wind beneathe my wings" from iTunes yet?


3. Have you met the other wives yet?


4. Has he shown you his collection of vintage children's photographic erotica? It's really fascinating!


5. Oh my God! It's true! You do look just like his dead wife!


6. Have you met Ella and Bella yet? I've gotta say, I was freaked out at first but who knew tarantulas and boa constrictors could be so cute!


7. I am soooo happy to meet you. It's so good that he's found someone who actually cares about him without having to be paid in cash at the end of the evening...


8. So.... a little tip. When he takes you to meet his mother... Xanax!


9. Can I just give you a little tip? I love him, dearly, and I'll always be his friend. I want him to be happy and I can see that you two would make a lovely, lovely couple. Just don't, whatever you do, don't lend him money. He'll ask. It's just a matter of time. Don't do it. Don't.


10. Oh my God, I am so excited that he's finally met someone who shares his interests! I really admire you for being so open-minded.... What do I mean? Oh.... um... Hasn't he asked you to go with him to one of his special parties yet?

That's what friends are for...

That's Life - Best and Worst times to fart

Sometimes my mind wanders, and I was was thinking today - when is the absolute best and worst time to fart?

The worst:

• When you're sitting on a man's happy stick in the middle of rumpy pumpy
• When you're having a massage
• In a job interview
• In an elevator, unless it's just before you get off
• When you are in a neighboring stall to a colleague you've just said hello to as you walked into the restroom
• During the first dance at your wedding
• In a sauna
• In a long line for the restroom at a concert
• When you're in Downward Facing Dog in a yoga class
• When you are in a one on one meeting with your boss
• At a meeting with your Nutritionist, because you will then have a ten minute conversation about what exactly in your diet is causing flatulence and you will never, ever be allowed to eat pasta ever again

The best:

• When your husband is drunk and gets into bed with that look on his face
• When you are alone in the car
• In a jacuzzi
• In your husband's closet, and then close the door
• When you are walking by yourself with your dog in the park, far away from anyone
• Just after your husband did - he can't complain then, can he?
• When your silly dog is sniffing your butt

I have to stop and open the front door - I swear to God! - Puppy Dog just got inspired and farted.

That's Life - Credit card fraud

At 23:49 on the eve of the President's Day federal holiday, some schmuck tried to buy specialist engineering software that costs over $600 with my credit card.

Luckily, the company that provides the software found it strange that someone would order two copies of software that you download, and decided to call me to make sure I'd put my order in right.

Strangely, I don't need software that has something to do with installing or designing or doing something or other with windows. Not the Microsoft kind of windows.... real windows.

My husband, Fluffy Bear, said that they probably trying to test my credit card details and my credit limit ($1200 is pretty damn good test) before heading off to Walmart or Costco or the Big Noisy Truck That Comes With Mag Wheels And Its Own Shotgun company.

I called my bank, of course, but, it being a federal holiday, there wasn't anything they could do till the following day. I am sure it's no coincidence that this happened on a day the banks are closed.

Other than call the bank, what can I do?

The Police can't help me. I reported the incident to IC3, the government online fraud site, as well as to the people that provided the email address that the Fraudulent Bastard used. Those people - a big online email provider, emailed me back today and said that the email address used is often some poor hapless goon who has nothing at all to do with the transaction and that I shouldn't bother them again unless I had a Court Order. Makes sense, if you think about it.

And so I have decided I should curse the Fraudulent Bastard.

I know nothing about voodoo or Wicca, but instinct tells me this will be a lot more effective if you all help me out. So I would be eternally grateful if you would read the curse aloud when you read this blog, so that we can all send the energy of justice through the Universe to bring the Fraudulent Bastard down once and for all.

Here we go:

Fraudulent Bastard who used ittybittycrazy's card! May your hair always frizz, whatever the weather. May your cable go out for no reason at random times. May your food taste of sand from the dryest dessert. May alcohol have no effect on you. May stranger's dogs pee on your leg. May your car break down and your tyres go flat. May your ball hairs curl up and grow inward. May your ears be damned by a high pitched ring. May your teeth go black and your tongue be always dry. May you gain weight and never see your penis again. May you prematurely ejaculate whenever aroused. May your nose hair grow and your ear hair flourish. May your butt fart audibly, with no warning, in public. May your legs buckle under you when you're carrying hot coffee. May your toothbrush be infested with vicious bacteria. May your nose always run and your lips be ever chapped. May your underwear chafe and your shoes pinch your toes. May your bowels stop their work and leave you ever constipated. May your mouth utter spontaneous obscenities when your mother in law is present. May your dog's poop be mushy, and your cat's pee smell rank. May your eyesight grow dim and your hearing grow faint. May your breath smell of death and your earwax be ever visible. May your jokes be inappropriate and your conversation boring. May everything you touch turn to shit.

That's Life - Four children and a funeral

I went to a Memorial Service for a dear friend's mother today.

I was dreading it, thinking that all sorts of unreleased grief for my own parents would surface but, in fact, it was so nicely done that I remained totally focussed on the dear, Sweet Lady who had left us to join her husband for Valentine's Day.

Losing one's mother is profound or, at least, it was for me.

I wasn't home when my mother died and didn't fly back for the funeral - there were reasons, but I'll always carry that guilt.

Today, a photo montage of Sweet Lady's last days was shown on a flatscreen. And suddenly, in a photo that flashed by, there I was.

And I realized that I had been enormously priveledged this last week. In being welcomed to visit and say my goodbyes, I was a very small part of a family gathering where each of the four children came together from different parts of North America to go through photos, reminisce and say farewell to the woman who bore and raised and loved them.

I didn't get to do that with my mother. I didn't get to see her in bed and accept the end, I didn't get to gather with my siblings and laugh and cry, I didn't get to sit quietly with my her and just say goodbye, face to face, like I did with this Sweet Lady.

My friend - let's call her Eve - allowed me to be a tiny part of this intimate, sad and happy family gathering, to bring food as an offer of support, to hug them and to say that I am sorry for their loss.

I was a miniscule part of their journey, but the experience has somehow been very profound for me.

I was given a taste of a family facing the circle of life together, and it feels like it's somehow filled a portion of the gap of not having that with my family for either of my parents' deaths. Perhaps that's why my mother's death didn't hit me till the one year anniversary of her passing, and my father's death doesn't seem to have hit me at all, yet.

I know it seems strange to say that being part of another family's grieving process has been an honor, but it has. I am grateful that I could be here, with my friend Eve, at this time.

This last week, and today, has been a gift.

Rest in peace, dear Sweet Lady. I'll always remember that moment when you told a funny story at brunch....

This is a poem I found last night about mothers and passing on, and I felt comforted by it. Perhaps you'll like it too...

The Watcher

By Margaret Widdemar

 

She always leaned to watch for us

Anxious if we were late

In winter by the window

In summer by the gate

And though we mocked her tenderly

Who had such foolish care

The long way home would seem more safe

Because she waited there

Her thoughts were all so full of us

She never could forget

And so I think that's where she is

She must be watching yet

Waiting 'til we come home to her

Anxious if we are late

Watching from Heaven's window

Leaning from Heaven's gate

That's Life - Elevator Jackass

Last night on Family Guy Peter Griffin broke his neck while doing a Jackass stunt with his buddies. So I got to thinking - what would my Jackass stunt be?

Well, obviously, I wouldn't want to actually injure myself. And I am not interested in being outside in the snow and rain. And I don't want to inconvenience myself in any way so, really, this has to be done in the normal course of my life. At home, no one would see the stunt. So it has to be at work. In front of strangers. So what better than an elevator prank?

So here they are - things I'd love to have the guts to say in the elevator. Some of them need help from a friend. Feel free to add your own in the comments section:

• Oh my God! Who farted?
• [Hold door open when you get in] Hang on, is the meeting on 20? [Press button for 20th floor]. No, hang on, I think she said it was on 23. [Press button for 23rd floor] Oh no, wait! She's coming to my desk! [Get out of elevator and run]
• [Jackass 1] "I can't believe he won't take responsibility for the baby!" [Jackass 2] "Honey, the baby come out of you and it's a different race!"
• [Mutter] I don't think I can take this. I can't take this. I can't. Closed space. ACK! [Start hyperventilating] I'm going to throw up! I'm going to throw up!
• [Sing and dance to I'm coming up] I'm going up! I want the world to know! To my meeting I go! Do-doop! Do-doop! I'm going up! An elevator ride with strangers by my side! Do-doop! Do-doop!
• Do sportscaster commentary on everyone with you in the elevator e.g. "And a man in a blue shirt is getting in. Looks like he could be a contender! Is this the day for him, Bill? Only time will tell!"
• [When it is just you and another person in the elevator]. "OK, dude, this is it. Elevator deathmatch... [put up your fists]... No biting or hitting the crotch area, but kicking, punching, slapping and twisting ears are all ok. Ready? ARE YOU RRRREADY?"

That's Life - 25 Random Things

My friends keep sending me tags to 25 Random Things About Me on Facebook. So I started thinking...

What are the 25 Random Things That I Wish Were About Me:

1. I have 20/20 vision


2. As a teenager, I learned to surf and once, on vacation, I caught an awesome tube in Hawaii


3. I can still do the splits


4. No matter what I eat, I just dont put on weight


5. I wake up full of energy every morning


6. I have a lovely singing voice


7. Hats look great on me


8. For some strange reason, hair just doesn't grow on my legs or in my armpits


9. I can speak 7 languages fluently


10. I read the whole of Flaubert's oeuvre - and I got it


11. I love going to the gym


12. I have visited every country in Europe


13. I don't know why women complain - wearing stiletto heels doesn't phase me


14. I love other people's children


15. I went to dog training religiously and my puppy does whatever I say


16. I had to choose between three different guys who all asked me to Prom


17. When my mom died, I handled it well


18. I can empty my mind easily and find a quiet place to rest


19. My ass looks good in anything


20. My Trust Fund pays out this year


21. I speed read a book a week


22. I get up and do half an hour's yoga every day at 6am


23. I can "speak" Sign Language


24. I love the smell of my husband's feet


25. I'm a very patient driver

Yeah, right.

That's Life - I farted

The Chiropractor had me on my back, folding my arms over my chest. He made me lift up my torso so he could get his right hand around to make a fist against my spine. He found the sore spot (he always does) then he kinda hugged me and pushed all his weight down on me to crack my spine.

And I farted.

And it wasn't one of those silent, breathy ones like Kathleen Turner mid-sentence. Nor was it a tiny pop, which might be mistaken for something happening in the next room. It wasn't even a high squeaky one, that you can disguise by then shifting your foot in your shoe and recreating a similar sound.

No.

It was a rat-a-tat Tommy Gun blast, like Al Capone's boys were duking it out with the fuzz.

Yet another betrayal from my body, the eternal Judas.