A friend of mine is introducing us to the person he's started dating recently. It's always a big step when you meet someone who might become a big part of your friend's life. Sure, you're vetting them, but you also have to make sure that you contribute to a good impression of your friend.
So I got to thinking...
What would I say if I wanted to fuck up my friend's budding relationship?
- Has he shown you his stamp collection yet? You know, he really is quite the philatelist!
- Are we on for karaoke this week? I hear Bert is back - (to her) Bert is this asshole who thinks he's Elvis reincarnated - but he's no match for us. Honey (to him), have you downloaded the karaoke version of "Wind beneathe my wings" from iTunes yet?
- Have you met the other wives yet?
- Has he shown you his collection of vintage children's photographic erotica? It's really fascinating!
- Oh my God! It's true! You do look just like his dead wife!
- Have you met Ella and Bella yet? I've gotta say, I was freaked out at first but who knew tarantulas and boa constrictors could be so cute!
- I am soooo happy to meet you. It's so good that he's found someone who actually cares about him without having to be paid in cash at the end of the evening...
- So.... a little tip. When he takes you to meet his mother... Xanax!
- Can I just give you a little tip? I love him, dearly, and I'll always be his friend. I want him to be happy and I can see that you two would make a lovely, lovely couple. Just don't, whatever you do, don't lend him money. He'll ask. It's just a matter of time. Don't do it. Don't.
- Oh my God, I am so excited that he's finally met someone who shares his interests! I really admire you for being so open-minded.... What do I mean? Oh.... um... Hasn't he asked you to go with him to one of his special parties yet?
That's what friends are for...