Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 37.1

The other day I had to stop off at the store for a few groceries and, like I always do, I drove out via the alleyway.

The store is on our main road in this part of town - we aren't downtown, so this wasn't an alley between tall buildings and, one street back from the store, there are houses.

I came out from behind the store onto the street, ready to turn right, when I looked straight ahead. The alleyways between the houses seemed to stretch out infinitely in front of me. I had to go seven blocks over, then two blocks to the right to get home.

"What the hell," I thought. "Forget the main road. I'm taking the alleyways."

And so, very slowly, I edged across the street and into the first alley.

Driving along the alleys gave me a completely different perspective on roads I drive every day. I noticed houses I'd never really looked at properly before, and saw them from the back - a very different view.

And the alleys themselves were like a little world of their own. There was:

• the artist sitting at an easel, painting, in her garage, her works hung all over the walls
• the garage painted bright yellow, with brown edging (different)
• the obviously well used basketball hoop
• the tree, so tall and so old that the roots had completely lifted the road like a mini-earthquake
• the guy doing DIY in his garage wearing funky eye protecting goggles
• the elderly lady bending over her flower beds, wearing gardening gloves and trowel in hand
• the messy trash cans, the neat and clean trash cans, the house that creates so much trash they had a mini-dumpster our back.

I felt, for the five minutes I drove home that way, like I had peeked through my neighbor's curtains and discovered a little bit more about them.

It was fascinating.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 37.0

Yesterday my therapist, She's So Lovely, asked me an interesting question.

I was describing a potential contract job I've been put forward for and another interesting role I've applied for in a completely different industry.

"Could you," she asked, "work a four day week?"

I blinked. "Well," I said, "in a way, I have been. I used to work most Fridays from home."

"Not the same thing," she said. "You were still working, right?"

"Sure," I said, thinking back to the fact that Fridays could often be the most productive day of my week.

She went on to tell me that depression, anxiety, stress - all these things are often caused by a sense that we don't have control over our own lives.

If you have just that one day a week that is yours - to do something creative, to see friends, to go to a dance class - it can make a big difference in your ability to deal with characteristics of corporate jobs like pressure, ambiguity, politics, empire-building, resistance to change, the blame game and lack of work/life balance.

It's a very tempting thought, but I wonder if any employer would go for it?

Flavors of America

The sign says it all

Divided by a Common Language: Privacy for PeePoops

Why are the doors on public toilets in the USA slightly too small for the stalls, so that there is a half inch gap on both sides?

If you walk into a public restroom and look at the stalls at the right angle, you can see who is in there and what they are doing.  

Which means, when you are on the other side of the stall door, people can see you.  

Not only that, but restroom doors here don't tend to have those little indicators attached to the latches which say "Vacant" or "Occupied" so you have no choice but to peer through the gap to see if someone is in the stall.

Why?

I want to pee and poop in peace and in privacy!

Update on Friday, August 21, 2009 at 7:07PM by Ittybittycrazy

Look here.

See?  See?

I'm not the only one!

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 35.2

I just went to the coffee shop wearing this T-shirt (available on Threadless here).  

The young guy who took my order started to try and figure out the design.  Then there was a delicious moment when he realized that, to do so, he was staring at my ample bosom (work what God gave you, I say), immediately followed by one of those teenage boy "Oh God, oh God, don't make it obvious.  Just look up at her face.  Look up at her face!" moments.  This all flashed by in miliseconds, but it was highly amusing to witness.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 35.1

You know it's time to get the cleaner back when:

1. You take real pleasure in assembling a Swiffer Duster 
2. You find Charlotte's Web being re-enacted in your living room
3. You glance down at the wash basin while brushing your teeth and are greeted by a pubic hair
4. You have to wear shoes in the house or else little crunchy bits cling to the soles of your feet as you cross the kitchen
5. You turn the oven on and it lets out soft billows of black smoke
6. You open the fridge to a strangely high pitch greeting from a newly grown alien species
7. You turn around to see your dirty clothes walking themselves to the washing machine
8. You notice your dog's hay fever sneezing only kicks in when he is inside
9. You call your dog up onto your bed, but he walks out of the bedroom in disgust
10. You whistle the theme tune from Deliverance and a tumbleweed of dog fur rolls across your path

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 35.0

You know it's time to find a new job when:

1. You put on a baseball cap instead of brushing your hair
   
2. You decide showering every second day is enough
   
3. You get nostalgic about your feminist university days and stop shaving your armpits
   
4. You find a certain joy of accomplishment in cleaning the kitchen
   
5. You run out of laundry to do
   
6. Your makeup is covered in a layer of dust 
   
7. You have opened and dealt with all the snail mail
   
8. You go to the video store and there's nothing that appeals - you've seen everything
   
9. You are up to date on all of your podcasts
   
10. You follow 300 people on Twitter and you feel like you know them all individually

Quote Unquote

Stolen from Debineezer's A Beautifully Messy Mess of Contradictions, this quote is a perfect update for an old standard:

"Put down the rose-colored crack pipe."

Superpowers by David J. Schwartz.

He Said She Said - Makin' bacon

"Breakfast!" he said.

"Mmmmm," she said, from bed.

A few minutes later, he stomped through to the bedroom.

"Honey, was there dishwashing soap on the grill pan?"

"Hmm?" she mumbled, trying to wake up.

"Was there dishwashing soap on the grill pan?"

 

"Um... yes.  I was letting the grease loosen so I could wash it easily."

"Why would you leave soap on the grill pan?" he said, exasperated.

"What did you cook?

"Bacon!" he wailed.  "I made bacon sandwiches!  If you have soap on the grill pan, why don't you put it in the sink?"

"Why would you cook on a dirty grill pan?  That's disgusting."

"It didn't look that dirty!"   

"I'm sorry," she said, knowing how much a bacon sandwich in the morning means to an Englishman.

Placated, he stomped off to his study.  

  

Taking a few minutes before getting up, she rolled around and stretched.  He stomped to the bathroom, every step accentuated on the wooden floors.  She heard him spit twice then rinse with mouthwash, garling loudly.

  

And that's when she realized that the whole thing was actually quite funny.

  

She heaved herself out of bed, took her happy pill, brushed her teeth and went through to his office giving him a hug as he sat at his computer.

  

He looked doleful.  She was smirking.  He looked up at her, quizzically.

  

"Can I laugh about this yet," she asked, giggling,  "or is it too soon?" 

  

I won't repeat what he said.

 

 

To read more in this series, click here.

  

Hello from Puppy Dog - The Dysonmonster

Hello Friends!

Today Mama played with the Dysonmonster.  I hate that damned thing!

Mama plays with it every now and again and I just don't know why.  

I'm always here, available to play Fetch.  Why does Mama need that horrible thing?

That stupid Dysonmonster is boring.  It only plays in the house.  I am versatile.  I play in the yard and in the house.  Sometimes I even bring some of the yard with me when I come into the kitchen!

That stupid Dysonmonster needs everything in the house moved around when it comes out to play.  I don't need things to be moved around.  I can get under them and around them and, if Mama isn't looking, I can even get up on top of them!

That stupid Dysonmonster has a terrible howl that just goes on and on and on.  And the moon isn't even up!  At least I know when howling is appropriate.  It's just good manners, after all!

And - here's the worst thing!  Mama forgets how much she loves me when she plays with the Dysonmonster!  Today she called me a "Walking Furball!"  

I'm going to go and sit down on my cushion and sulk now.  It isn't fair!

Lots of licks and woofs, 

Puppy Dog

Flavors of America: Classic Diner

Just outside Ellensburg there's an old gas station that has a new life as a classic diner.  And the burgers are pretty good, too.

Quote Unquote

"I don't like chatty.  I don't do chatty.  I like quiet.  Quiet and mean.  Those are my people."

Edie Falco in Nurse Jackie.

SFPL - No. 13: The Passive-Agressive Honey Do List

 

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like. 

 

In the USA, the list of household DIY tasks a wife gives to her husband is called The Honey Do list, as in, "Honey, please do this...."  

 

But I don't believe that many Female People actually make a list.  For a start, that takes the effort to actually write something down when you notice a lightbulb has blown - probably while carrying a large load of washing.  Second, the list would have to be constantly amended (i.e. added to) which could be demotivating for the Male Person.  Third, writing an actual list risks getting a list of your own.

 

And so, what happens in reality is that the Female Person likes...

 

 

13. The Passive-Agressive Honey-Do List

 

There are very clear rules to maintaining the Passive-Agressive Honey-Do List.

1. List item creation - The Female Person must shout the latest list item accross the house when the Male Person is busy with something else.  The announcement must, by definition, be an interruption, an annoyance.  That way, it's bound to be more memorable.  
2. List item reminder - The Female Person must notice that the issue - let's use the example of replacing a blown lightbulb - has not been fixed a few days later and, again, shout about it when the Male Person's head is somewhere else.  The tone must be a little harsher, a little more impatient, this second time.
3. List item allusions - After one reminder, the gloves are off.  From this moment on, the Female Person stirs up her creative juices and mixes in a double shot of sarcasm.  The list item must be alluded to as often as possible, preferably while disussing something completely unrelated.  Hence:

"Of course I'll make you a cup of tea, honey.  How about tomorrow when the sun comes up and I can see what I'm doing in there?"

"Where's the cheese grater?  It's in the dishwasher.  I would have unpacked it but I didn't want to leave the fridge door open that long.  The light is good but you lose all the cold air in there."

"Please can you feed the dog?  You see better in the dark than I do."

The Passive-Agressive Honey-Do List is really an art.  Any comment or request made by the Male Person must trigger a creative process which somehow, some way, brings the conversation back to the Honey-Do List item.

 

It takes a perfect blend of bad timing, bitchiness and booby trapping.  

Stuff Female People Like - No. 12: Other people's babies

This series is inspired by the blog/book Stuff White People Like.

12. Other people's babies

Female People are, of course, genetically programmed to like and want babies.   Luckily, a combination of intelligence, evolution and modern medicine mean that the Female Person - if she is lucky enough to be able to afford it - has a choice of whether or not to actually bear/nurture one of her own.

 

But let us leave biological clocks and motherhood aside for a moment and focus on the social situations where Female People encounter babies belonging to other people. The reactions of Female People in these situations generally fall into four different categories.

 

 

a) Baby Blinkers - I am going to ignore that damn baby

 

Here, the Female Person puts on imaginary, invisible blinkers and refuses to see the baby.

The hostile reaction of the Female Person in this case should not be misinterpreted. She is ignoring that baby on purpose. Sometimes, animal instinct pushes through the map-for-the-future, the career ambitions, the detailed knowledge of the commitment required, and the huge compromises that have to be made, to raise a child. The head knows all these things, but the heart swells and the womb quivers.

 

In these moments, the Female Person is stopping herself from looking at the baby - the same way she steels herself in front of a slice of chocolate cake when on a diet - because she doesn't want to face that awful biological reality.

 

Be kind to the Female Person who is suffering this dilemma. Help her out. Pinch your baby lightly on the arm. As it starts to scream bloody murder, you'll see the Female Person visibly relax, reminded of why she absolutely, positively doesn't want one of those screeching shit machines - yet.

 

  

b) The Scientist - I am going to observe that fascinating baby

 

Some Female People find babies strangely fascinating, like a foreign culture that pierces their noses with elephant tusks.  They'll watch babies in public places as they contemplate the dangling toys on their strollers, at BBQs as they totter around the yard touching the plants, at friends' houses as they clumsily pet the - very patient - dog.  

 

Watching babies learn is an insight into our own development.  Watching babies discover is a small symbol of our capacity to experience wonder.  Watching babies find joy in little things is a reminder that we can simplify our lives. 

 

  

c) The Goo-goo Ga-ga - I am going to make stupid faces at that cute baby

 

The Goo-goo Ga-ga is a Female Person who has no fear of public humiliation.  Through her car window, in restaurants, in the park.  Wherever.  This Female Person will make faces and high pitched noises at the baby.  

 

The baby will often find this amusing but, for the adults, the funniest is when the Goo-goo Ga-ga does her thing and the baby's face goes red, crumples like a receipt you find months later in your car door and bursts into tears.

 

 

d) The Baby Borrower - I am going to go over there, uninvited, and play with that adorable baby

 

Here we have the Female Person who likes babies but just doesn't want to make the sacrifices needed to have one full time.  She may therefore "borrow" other people's babies.  In public, the Baby Borrower can pick and choose the baby to interact with.  The naughty, crying baby can be ignored - the cute, gurgling one can be co-opted.

 

The Female Person approaches the baby's carer, gushes some compliment and sweeps the baby up into her arms.  The baby borrowing can be as little as a minute or, in scarier cases, as long as ten.  I've seen someone sit down at a different table with a baby in a coffee house.  

 

I've also seen Mothers with Baby Borrower Radar who manage to snatch their babies up while the Baby Borrow is still in the introductory compliment stage.  Well you can't blame them.  

"Just because you pay my child a compliment," a friend of mine told me, "doesn't mean you can have her."

Yes, Female People like other people's babies.

And sometimes, they even like their own.

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 29.1

A few days ago I posted about preparing for interview questions.  

When I was preparing to interview a few years ago, I boned up on those "trick questions" you sometimes get.  These used to be a favorite of consultancy firms, but also some large corporates.  

I found a list of them today in some old filing and I have decided to continue my tradition of giving the answers I wish I could give.

• Design a music system for a car.  What are the features?  Draw a picture
  [Takes iPod out of pocket] This a clear enough picture for ya?
• Design a communication device for Canadian park rangers
  Oh come on!  Why replace semaphore?  It's fun to watch Canadians look stupid!  OOH, what's it all ABOOT?  [Laughs hysterically]
• Design a coffee maker that will be used by astronauts.
  Stop wasting my time, dude.  We all know Starbucks has opened six branches up there already.
• What are examples of poorly designed software?
  [Sighs] Man!  Your products!  Where do I begin?  Why don't you just pick one and then we'll discuss it?
• Design an instant messaging system
  I need two cans of peas, a can opener, a ball of string and some scissors.
• I am your grandmother.  Describe what [insert product name here] is to me.
  My grandmother is DEAD, you bastard!
• How do you test a keyboard?
  I hit it on the desk, don't you?
• What method would you use to look up a word in a Dictionary?
  In a WHAT, now?
• How many Christmas trees are there in houses in the world each year on December 25th?
  God doesn't like the pagan symbol of the tree.  It's decadent and wrong and is an offence to his eye.  Shame on thee for idolizing the tree!  For shame!  For shame!

Diary of an Ex-Employee - Day 29.0

It's hot today.  Very hot.

So I decide I need a drink.  I get a glass out, I get ice out, I get a can of soda water out of the cold cupboard and pour it into the glass, not filling it.  

I think "I need a little flavor" so I open the fridge to get the cranberry juice...

No cranberry juice.

Fluffy Bear shopped at Costco so the juice bottles are big enough to drown an average sized cat, so there's probably another bottle downstairs in the old fridge in the basement.

"But," I think, "if I am going down to the basement I might as well take the washing down and put it on."

So I go to the bedroom and get the washing basket and take it downstairs and put washing liquid in the machine and load the clothes and yell at Puppy Dog for eating something on the basement floor and put the washing machine on.  

Then I go to the old fridge for the cranberry juice...

No cranberry juice.

"OK," I think.  "We're obviously out of cranberry juice.  I'll just have to use orange juice."

So I go back upstairs and I open the fridge and I get out the orange juice and I pour it into the glass which is already two thirds full with sparkling water.  Orange juice is different to cranberry juice.  It's probably some complicated chemical thing.  Point is that orange juice and soda water foams more than cranberry juice and soda water and so next thing I know the drink has bubbled over the side of the glass onto the counter.

I reach for the kitchen roll...

No kitchen roll.

The kitchen roll stock from Costco is in the basement.  I go back downstairs.  

I think: "Well, I might as well get some toilet rolls at the same time.  We're on the last third of the last toilet roll in the loo."

So I get a fresh kitchen roll and look over to where the toilet roll is and the big plastic wrapper from the last big pack of toilet rolls is just lying on the floor.  That irritates me.  I pick it up.  I also pick a fresh pack of toilet rolls up.

I go back up to the kitchen.  I dump the big plastic wrapper and the fresh kitchen roll on the kitchen counter.  I go through to the loo, unwrap the toilet rolls and arrange them nicely in the basket.

I go back to the kitchen.  I unwrap the kitchen roll and put it on it's little stand.  I take the kitchen roll wrapper, the toilet roll wrapper and the big plastic wrapper and squish them into the trash can.

I take some kitchen roll and wipe up the spilled juice.

Now I can have my drink.

And that is an example of how I manage to get through a whole day without doing one constructive job hunting task.  

I think I just heard the washing machine ping.  It must be finished.  I better go get the clothes out...

Health is Wealth - Gymstractions

Gymstractions are distractions at the gym that keep you from feeling your own pain.

Today mine were:

• The guy in his fifties wearing a Bjorn Borg type head sweatband thingy.  Not a good look.  Also not a good idea for me to notice him in the middle of doing 15 squats for the third time, start to laugh, lose my balance and almost end up on my ass on the floor.
• The two women either side of me on the elliptical trainers who seemed somehow psychically linked at a throat level.  They both had iPods in, so it's not like they could hear each other, yet they managed to clear their throats at the same time.  So I'm panting away and have to deal with "Hugh-hem-hem".  Eventually, I began to try to anticipate it so I'd be less annoyed, like when your husband is snoring next to you and you kid yourself that it has some kind of rhythm, and so you can steel yourself for the next choking noise.  Being on a gym machine that showed the seconds passing, I began to time them.  Turned out it was roughly every thirty seconds but, as soon as I got ready for them, there'd be nothing, I'd relax thinking they were going to miss this cycle, and then the hacking noises were back.  Thank God Silent Evil only makes us do ten minutes on the elliptical or I may have had to reach out my arms and firmly touch someone.
• The trainer who is almost at evil as ours.  I think I might have told you about him before.  He had a very fit woman screeching like she was in a very different sweaty situation at that moment.  I went up to him and asked him if he realized he could make women scream in a much nicer setting.  He laughed and said he got paid better for what he was doing right there.
• The Yummy Mummies coming out of the spin class.  Wow.  It really is true for women that, if you don't earn money, you better stay in shape so you don't get traded in for a younger model.  These ladies were looking luscious in Lycra.  I chose to see them as my Personal Goal Barbies.  I decided I'd work towards the first one's breasts, the third one's ass and the last one's arms.
• The very skinny pale guy who seems to defy physics.  How can arms that skinny pull down weights that heavy?  He must have been working out for a while to be able to do that.  Where are his muscles?  It's a mystery.

Tuning into these distractions, I almost made it through my whole workout.  But not quite.  My heart started racing about 40 minutes in and I felt a bit nauseous.  This is only my second workout since having the cold for a week and a half and I am amazed at how much strength I have lost.  On the other hand, I am a lot stronger than my first workout after the cold.

Still, my lungs are not clear yet, and the haze of pollen isn't helping.  So my heart starts beating the bongos and my stomach starts churning the breakfast smoothie and my first thought is about the article I read where people who have heart attacks usually have them when they have colds and are active and I am mentally scanning my arms for shooting pain and I have to sit down and rest.

Then Fluffy Bear reminds me I have an inhaler in my handbag in the locker room and I come back to reality.

Silent Evil put us both back on the ellipticals - thank God the throat clearers were gone - then abs, then stretch.  Then off to Peets Coffee for a frozen soy coffee blended drink which is 180 calories of happiness.

Whew.

Quote Unquote - Man on the verge of a nervous breakdown

Ashes to Ashes, from the BBC, tells the story of Alex Drake, a female detective who gets shot and, while in a coma, gets beamed back in time and has to work on the London police force in 1981.

Her boss is DCI Hunt, an old school policeman who beats up witnesses for information, has a filthy mouth, smokes all the time and drives a red Audi Quattro.  The slang for boss is "Guv", short for Governor.

In tonight's episode, DCI Hunt gets beaten up.  The next morning he comes into the station and doesn't want to talk to Alex.  As she pursues him, wanting to talk, he asks to be locked up in a cell so he can get some peace.

His staff, two numbskulls, Chris and Ray, are standing with Alex, wondering what is going on.

"Perhaps it's one of 'em nervous breakdown things," says Chris.

"Nah," says Ray.  "If the Guv saw a nervous breakdown comin', he'd twat it in the face."

 

Being a Doggy Mama - 10 more things I didn't know about dogs

The first 10 things are here.

Here are another 10 things I didn't know about dogs before we had one of our very own.

1. Dogs drool.  If you take too long to serve Puppy Dog's food, there will be a puddle of drool on the floor where he's been waiting for you


2. Dogs shed.  When Puppy Dog shakes himself, fur flies in all directions.  You just have to see him do it in the right light to see how much hair comes off.  It's scary


3. Dogs can get obsessive.  If Puppy Dog has a ball (probably stolen from another dog in the park) and we are are trying to pry it out of his mouth, he goes into a Zen state of panting and clamps his jaws together harder than a crocodile


4. Dogs complain.  Especially when they are at the screen door and see something outside they'd like to get a closer sniff of.  Bill calls it Dogette's "Monkey noises" because she does sound like a little monkey, oo-oo-ooing away.  And - what fun!  Since Dogette came to stay, Puppy Dog does it too!


5. Dogs sigh.  If Puppy Dog is sent to his cushion as a punishment, and isn't allowed to move, he eventually lies down with a big, resigned, sulky sigh


6. Dogs sun tan.  Puppy Dog will lie on the exact patch of floor where the sun is shining through the window, or go and lie on the grass in the back yard.  Then he gets hot and comes inside to lie on the floor for a while


7. Dogs are photopscychic.  No matter how quiet you are, or how sneakily you move, both Puppy Dog and Dogette know when you are about to snap a photo, and they move.  Every frackin' time


8. Dogs are hungry all the time.  All the time


9. Dogs are creatures of habit.  They are very in tune with their inner clock.  Puppy Dog knows when it is breakfast and dinner time, and tells us if we forget.  He knows when it is bed time, and only gets up on the bed after he has had his breakfast and his potty, even if he is invited.  


10. Dogs like to lick humans.  A lot.  Even if they don't have food on their fingers.

Health is Wealth - Cut the Crave

Another visit this week to Softly Concerned, our Nutritionist.  

I told her that the major problem I was having is that I am having sugary cravings again.  Back on the Eatathon!

She began by telling me - just as she did last time we met - that I am craving sugar because I'm not eating enough protein.  She explained that protein is slow release energy and, if the body doesn't have enough of it, then it asks you for quick release energy - sugar and carbs.  

I tend to not have much appetite for large pieces of meat or poultry these days, I don't buy three soy lattes a day anymore and, now that I'm not working, I can't go up to the cafeteria and buy my favorite protein bar.  So I guess my protein intake has gone down.

"How about protein powder in your morning smoothies?" she asked.  

It was one of those slap-your-forehead moments.  Of course!  I used to have protein powder, I ran out and I forgot to replace it.

That's the thing about seeing a nutritionist.  It's not about being lectured, it's about being educated and reminded.

Softly Concerned went on to tell me about healthy choices for something sweet - some dried apricots, a fruit.  

"Nope," I told her.  "Doesn't always cut it.  Frozen yogurt doesn't do the trick, I want Chunky Monkey.  A bran muffin doesn't do it for me - I want a donut."

"Hmm," she said.  "Considering the stress you are under, there is a psychological factor here."

No frackin' kiddin'. 

"Let's do an exercise together," she said.  "You can do this the moment you have a craving.  First, sit down comfortably and make sure your feet are on the ground.  Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.  Now visualize your higher self, the person you want to be.  Healthier, thinner, whatever.  Just conjure up that image and consider it for a while."

She paused, while I contemplated my thinner, healthier, richer self, who didn't have to work and had incredibly thick, lustrous, shiny hair.

"Now think about what it is that you really want at this moment.  It isn't a cupcake - that is a substitute for something else.  Is it love?  Is it rest?  Are you tired, fatigued?  Do you need a hug?  Need to cry?  Just take a few deep breaths and find out what is really going on.  The more you do this, the easier it will get."

She paused again while I figured out what I needed.  Because I didn't have any cravings at that moment, I didn't come to an obvious answer, but the fatigue thing did resonate for sure.

"Now that you know what you need, think about how you can give it to yourself.  If you are tired, can you go to bed and just rest for two hours?  If you need a vacation, is there some way you can get out of town for a few days?"

"If you can't give yourself what you need literally, then spend some time imagining it.  The subconscious doesn't know the difference between reality and imagination.  So you might take a moment to imagine yourself on a lovely beach, basking in the sun, listening to the waves lap the shore."

She paused again to give me some time.  It was a lovely image.  I imagined everything she said - I just added a cocktail in a pineapple with two straws.  

Then she moved in her chair a bit to break the spell.  I opened my eyes.

"By the time you work through this exercise," she said, "your craving should be gone."

I haven't tried it yet, but I am sure this is going to be a very useful technique.  

And I bought myself some protein powder.