Being a Doggy Mama - Crossing Species

  

There is something strangely magical about getting close to an animal.

There is a bond of trust that develops, even with a small animal, where one species, which could kill the other, is showing it is prepared to be in harmony.

There is something very close, very tender, about a moment where my dog lies along the length of my body, almost spooning me, and sighs.  It's a rare occurrence.  

I remember, as a teenager, going to a petting zoo.  A buck licked my hand though a chainlink fence, it's little black tongue scraping against my skin.  

Even more profound, I once went to a farm with tame cheetahs.  My friends were nervous, but I loved the big cats, stroking their heads and scratching behind their ears.  I remember their fur was scraggy, not like a house cat, and their purring was so loud - like a sewing machine right next to me.  One leaned against me and I nearly fell over.  That was a slightly nervous moment.

I was also at a zoo once, where a tiny monkey climbed on my head.  My friends were laughing at me, but I loved it.  The feeling of this little thing climbing on my shoulder, my head, picking at my hair.  It trusted me not to hurt it, in spite of my hierarchical superiority and size.  In the animal kingdom, it would have been my prey.

On the other end of the scale, whenever Puppy Dog yawns, I am reminded that he could crush my neck in his jaws.  And yet he chooses to lick my face and nibble my ear.  In short - to love me. 

It is an intense feeling when he lets me put my head down on his bed, and puts his head in my cupped palm to fall asleep.  We are communing, and there is nothing else in this world like it.

Being a Doggy Mama - Off Leash Dog Park Etiquette

A while ago I wrote about Dog Park Personalities.

Dog parks are fascinating places. Especially the Off Leash ones.  The dogs are adorable, but the people are interesting too. Some, however, are more interesting than others.

So here are the rules to ensure you don't piss people off at the dog park.

1. DO scoop your dog's poop

It's the most basic rule, but you'd be surprised how often it gets broken.

There are three parts to poop scoop etiquette:

• Make sure you have bags on you


• Keep an eye on your dog so he doesn't poop behind your back. This is dog walk time, not day dream time, not cell phone time.


• Do the scoop. Even if he pooped somewhere off the beaten track, trust me, other dogs will find it and other humans may step in it. Do the right thing.

If you don't do it, I have to keep an eagle eye on my dog and stop him sniffing your dog's icky poopie and getting bits of it on his nose.  I kiss my dog's face, you know!

2. DO NOT take a squeaky toy to the dog park

Dogs are generally good, and well trained. But don't forget the doggie training formula:

Dog + training = Good dog

Dog + training + distractions = Good luck with that

Taking a squeak toy to the park will be great for your dog, but will also ensure that you get attacked by all the other dogs, who will steal your squeaky toy.

This then means that I have to run after my dog, try to grab the toy out of his mouth, fight his panting, manic, obsessive jaw lock, humiliate myself publicly by yelling at him, finally pry the thing from his teeth, probably get my hand bitten in the process, and give back your fracking stupid squeaky damn toy that you should have left at home!

3. DO NOT whistle at your dog

Yes, your adorable little poochie woochie knows to come when you whistle.  But so does every other dog, you moron!

So there I am, having finally dragged my dog away from the water, thinking we can head back to the car and I'll have time to do the other errands on my list for the day and, the next thing I know, my dog is sprinting towards some twit who's whistling and I have to call him, grab him and get him away from the water all over again.

4. DO think before you throw

So your dog likes chasing balls?  News flash!  So does mine!

Look for an open gap in the crowd, and think about your timing.

Throw a ball for your dog directly in front of mine and - guess what? - he's gonna go for it.  Then I am back to the situation in Rule 2, trying to pry your ball out of his mouth.  Thanks.  I miss having slobber on my hands.  

5. DO Pay attention

As previously mentioned, this is your dog's time, not yours.  This is not a time for a deep discussion with a friend, for a cell phone conversation, for a cigarette break on a bench.  

I've seen people running through the dog park, yelling their dog's name, coming up to strangers and saying things like:

"Have you seen a black dog?"

Uh, yeah.  Many times.  I can see four from where I'm standing.  Keep an eye on your dog, Stupid.

The time I spend chasing and catching your dog, who was wandering around the car park, finding your number on his collar, calling you, trying to describe where I am and waiting for you to come and get him takes away from my time with my dog.  And you didn't even say Thank you.  Bitch.

Off Leash Dog Parks are in short supply, and going there is a special time for us and Puppy Dog.  Don't frack that up.

Being a Doggy Mama - Sumo Slam

You would think I would have learnt my lesson by now.

Do not throw the ball at Puppy Dog when he is on a leash.

Last time I did this, I ended up kissing the dirt - with tongue.

We were walking in a park.  I threw a ball near me, thinking that Puppy Dog could catch it within the reach of the extendable leash, but the ball rolled down a hill, he went after it, I had a brain fart and ran forward, thinking I could keep him within the range of the leash, he pulled me over and I skidded across the grass like a Major League Baseball player - except there was no home plate.

So we're out for a walk. He finds a ball - probably dropped by another dog - and carries it the few blocks home. As we are on our street, he drops the ball and I pick it up.

Then I decide that it will be safe if I throw the ball up in the air directly in front of me. He'll catch it in his mouth - like he always does - and that will be that.

For some reason, my high school maths went completely out of my head. Remember measuring the trajectory of an arc?

Or how about some common sense: What goes up, must come down.

I throw the ball. He leaps into the air. He misses the ball - what are the fracking odds of that? He keeps flying. He keeps flying. He starts to descend. Guess where I am? Yep, right in front of him.

63 pounds of chocolate-fur-covered muscle hits me square in the chest.

WHAM!

Ouch.  Frackin' ouch.

Big frackin' OUCH! 

Being a Doggy Mama - Because he can't complain...

I sing to my dog.  There's nothing he can do or say about my mediocre voice, my awful tone or my inability to carry a tune beyond one verse, so I subject him to regular bouts of my warbling.

When we used to live in an apartment and we had to drive into a car parking garage, I would sing to him as we wound around the floors (we always parked on the top).

"Home again, home again, jiggity jig"

That's it.  There's no verse, no story, just a phrase from a nursery rhyme repeated for six floors.

As we are in summer now and he is doing that thing that dogs do, he often gets the ditty below, to the tune of Love Machine:

"You just a shed machine

Shedding yo' hair all over the place

You just a shed machine

Shaking yo' hair right into ma face."

Then if I feel like torturing him for no reason, I break out the Janet Jackson.

"Nasty!  Nasty dog, don't mean a thing!

Oh you Nasty dawg."

He just looks at me, and sometimes he just walks away and goes and does something else.

Can't blame him, really.

Being a Doggy Mama - Dinner Party Shenanigans

Last night, we had a few friends over for dinner.  It was an informal thing - Fluffy Bear BBQ'd, but I did set the table in the dining room so we could go inside and eat comfortably when the time came.

Two friends of ours came with their chocolate lab - let's call him Theo.  He's an adorable dog, happy to roam around the yard and house, play with the carcasses of Puppy Dog's decimated toys, chew a tennis ball, and generally just be a very good boy.

But Theo still has his goolie woolies.  

Unlike Puppy Dog - a pound pooch who had his seamen submarines snipped - Theo swings low like a sturdy sex machine.

And Puppy Dog just couldn't deal with it.

It's his den, his yard, his territory.  And Theo better get the message about where he is in the pack.

Theo lives with another dog - let's call her Tara.  She is older than Theo and is in charge at their house, so Theo has no problem with being number two.  He lay down, he submitted, he was being as nice as pie.

But it didn't make any difference.

Puppy Dog rolled out his pink lipstick and jumped on his back, a-humping and a-humping and a-humping.

We had to take him away and lock him in the bedroom three times over the course of the evening.

I can't describe to you the very particular kind of embarrassment that accompanies a break in conversation, a glance over to the left and a realization that your dog is climbing on a another dog's back to do the dirty flirty fandango - AGAIN".

"Really?  Michael Jackson had placed a huge order with Nordstrom for silk socks and now that order is cancelled?  Wow.  I didn't know-  Excuse me, I just have to go deal with my dog..."

"Would you like some more wine?  Red or a little more dessert wine?  Sure, I'll...  NO!  PUPPY DOG!  NO!  GET OFF!"

"I saw that house up the street go on the market.  It looks amazing.  I was waiting to see if there'd be an open house but I guess that's the kind of place where you have to make a private viewing appointment... It sold in one week?  You're kidding!  I'd love to know what it sold f-  Back in the bedroom!  NO!  You are going BACK to your BED!"

And so it went on. 

And on.

And on.

When the dogs were finally tired out and lay down on the floor to sleep, I experienced a rush of relief that felt better than any cigarette, any booze buzz.  

Being a Doggy Mama - They just don't prepare you for this

Puppy Dog likes to accompany us into the toilet.  

At first we tried to shoo him away but, when you start to see it from his point of view, it makes sense.

He gets to sit in front of us for a few moments when we don't seem to be distracted by anything important, we stroke his head and he gets to smell strange odours that don't seem to disgust him at all.

And so a session on the great white throne can actually be a rather tender moment with our poochie woochie.

Well, most of the time.

I was puttering about folding washing when I heard a very loud "AAAAAAARGH!" from the bathroom.

I ran to see if Fluffy Bear was OK.

"What is it?  What is it?" I screeched.

Puppy Dog was trotted past me out of the bathroom, tail high with a butter-wouldn't-melt-in-his-mouth innocent expression on his face.

Fluffy Bear looked up at me and wailed.

"He sneezed on my genitals!"

Being a Doggy Mama - 10 more things I didn't know about dogs

The first 10 things are here.

Here are another 10 things I didn't know about dogs before we had one of our very own.

1. Dogs drool.  If you take too long to serve Puppy Dog's food, there will be a puddle of drool on the floor where he's been waiting for you


2. Dogs shed.  When Puppy Dog shakes himself, fur flies in all directions.  You just have to see him do it in the right light to see how much hair comes off.  It's scary


3. Dogs can get obsessive.  If Puppy Dog has a ball (probably stolen from another dog in the park) and we are are trying to pry it out of his mouth, he goes into a Zen state of panting and clamps his jaws together harder than a crocodile


4. Dogs complain.  Especially when they are at the screen door and see something outside they'd like to get a closer sniff of.  Bill calls it Dogette's "Monkey noises" because she does sound like a little monkey, oo-oo-ooing away.  And - what fun!  Since Dogette came to stay, Puppy Dog does it too!


5. Dogs sigh.  If Puppy Dog is sent to his cushion as a punishment, and isn't allowed to move, he eventually lies down with a big, resigned, sulky sigh


6. Dogs sun tan.  Puppy Dog will lie on the exact patch of floor where the sun is shining through the window, or go and lie on the grass in the back yard.  Then he gets hot and comes inside to lie on the floor for a while


7. Dogs are photopscychic.  No matter how quiet you are, or how sneakily you move, both Puppy Dog and Dogette know when you are about to snap a photo, and they move.  Every frackin' time


8. Dogs are hungry all the time.  All the time


9. Dogs are creatures of habit.  They are very in tune with their inner clock.  Puppy Dog knows when it is breakfast and dinner time, and tells us if we forget.  He knows when it is bed time, and only gets up on the bed after he has had his breakfast and his potty, even if he is invited.  


10. Dogs like to lick humans.  A lot.  Even if they don't have food on their fingers.

Being a Doggy Mama - Puppy Dog's Peccadilloes 3

Ear Flaps

Puppy Dog has soft, flappy ears that hang down his head.  Not as long as a Basset Hound's but still, they hang and can get blown back by the wind, which is hilarious.

But the cutest thing is to watch him sitting at the screen door, looking out at the world.  And then focusing on his ears.  As he tunes in to different sounds, the ear flaps move: back, twitch, forward, twitch, then they lift up, then they relax down, twitch!  

It's like watching one of those men wave the little red paddles at a taxiing aircraft.

 

Active Dreaming

Many dogs do this, I know, but it's just that much funnier when mine does it.  He moves and makes noises when he dreams.

Sometimes he'll run, laid out horizontal, two sets of claws scratching on the wooden floor.

Sometimes he'll twitch, which I always imagine is that tiny moment, the instant he actually sees the Evil Squirrel in Dreamland.

Sometimes he'll growl or bark - softly, like invisible hand has turned his volume down two thirds of the way.

Strange - now that I think about it, I've never seen his tail wag in his dreams.  They must all be hunting ones, full of Evil Squirrels, Naughty Kitties and other furry creatures who are gonna totally get theirs.

Being a Doggy Mama - The PDog anti-depressant

You cannot be depressed around Puppy Dog.

Today I felt crappy, this F@#$%G cold still won't go away and the thought of job hunting felt too daunting.  I also felt foggy and tired, so decided to go back to bed.

I often run into the bedroom and jump on the bed to start a wrestling/biting game with Puppy Dog which is hilarious, but always ends with me screaming "OW!"  Still, it's squealy-funny, so it's worth it.  Unfortunately, that means that, if I go to bed in the middle of the day, he thinks it's game time.

So I get into bed and he jumps on top of me, growling and biting my right wrist.  I grabbed the covers and pulled them over my head and my arm.  This, of course, signalled a different game to him.  At last, the wrist bite combined with getting through the outer layer of fur!  So now I have a dog making that particular sniffling sound they make when they burrow through the outer layer of the animal to get to the soft, warm bits.  And next thing there's a cold, wet nose spchlocking me in the face.  I wriggled further under the covers and, hard as it was to do, ignored him.

Puppy Dog eventually jumped off, disappointed, and tried coming at me from the side of the bed.  I was lying on my side, so his nose prodded my lower back.  Boink!  Play with me, Mama.  Boink!  Boink!  I kept ignoring him.

Then the low, soft, growly whimpers started.  First one sound, then a pause, then a combination of low and high, then a pause, then a single sound again, high pitch.  It's a heartbreaking sound which really pushes your buttons, kinda like when a baby cries.  I sighed, but stood firm, and kept ignoring him.

Puppy Dog is very, very energetic.  He's only 2 years old and it shows.  He has to be walked for at least 40 minutes - an hour is much better - daily.  If he doesn't get to blow off his energy, he gets a bit nuts.

So now begins the demonstration of how badly he needs a work out.  There's the sprint from the bedroom to his cushion in the lounge, then through the dining room, kitchen and back door to the top of our small back yard, then back through the whole house to the front door, then back to the dining room to stop and do a major neck scratch with the left leg.  We have wooden floors so believe me when I tell you that I could hear every step from the bedroom.

I gave in.

Time to face the world.

I got out of bed, showered, took Puppy Dog for a walk and started hitting my network up for a job.

Being a Doggy Mama - Puppy Dog's Peccadilloes 2

 

Tummy is not for Mummy

Puppy Dog will not lie on his back to let me rub his tummy.  That is only for Dada, the alpha dog. 

Cleary the No. 1 Bitch does not have enough status - I can rub his tummy when he's standing up, when he's on his side, but I aint getting no on the back, hips wide open, penis airing tummy action.

PDog the Hypnotist

Puppy Dog firmly believes in his hypnotic powers.  As you sit comfortably eating dinner in front of the TV, you suddenly notice a very quiet dog, sitting completely still, staring deep into your eyes.  

You can almost hear his instructions:

"Look into my eyes... Yes... Relax... Clear your mind, you're quite safe... Yes... Just relax... Yes... You want to share your food with the dog... You want to share your food with the dog... You waaaant to shaaaare your foooood with the doooooooog." 

Poor Dog.  All he gets is us mocking him in the same old way:

"He's gone all David Blaine again."

 "Oooooooooh!  Scaaaary!"

"Maybe he's going to go and sit in his den for 57 days next."

"Maybe he's going to make the couch disappear."

"Nah, he likes the couch."

Poor Puppy Dog.

Being a Doggy Mama - Puppy Dog's Peccadilloes 1

No cuddle if you wriggle

One of Puppy Dog's more annoying peccadilloes is that, if he is lying next to you on the couch or on the bed, and you make the slightest movement, he jumps off, sometimes with a low growl.

The other day he was curled up next to me on the couch and his head was leaning on my leg.  His soft little ear was flapped over my shin and I reached out to stroke it.  Grr! Jump!  He was gone.

He's a rescue dog so it's hard to know why he does certain things.  Was he invited up onto the couch and bed and then kicked off it?  Poor little thing.  If you ask really nicely, sometimes he comes back and lays with you again.

 

Unwind

Puppy Dog has been taught the command "Unwind".  This is for when he has run around something - a tree for instance, and his leash is caught on it.  We say "Unwind! Unwind!" and he usually understands that he has to retrace his steps to undo the damage.

Sometimes, though, Unwind doesn't cut it, especially if has has gone under a tree with low branches and completely tied himself up in knots, like he did outside the coffee shop this morning.  His back left leg was trapped, pulled up along his side, the leash was curled all around him like Shibari rope bondage.  He just stood there, perfectly still, looking up at me.  I burst out laughing and ran to call Fluffy Bear out of the coffee shop to see it, but he somehow managed to disentangle himself while I was away.

Unwind can also sometimes be confusing for Puppy Dog.  He isn't always sure which way he came around the object so, when he's trying to undo the leash, he makes things worse.  This is how things were in the park today when he went around a wooden post.  The more Fluffy Bear yelled "UNWIND" the more loops of leash snaked around the post.  Fluffy Bear gave up, went up to the post and tried to pull the leash off it.  Of course it snagged on something and he had to yank and yank until a thwock! of wood coming loose occurred simultaneous to a swish of leash coming off the top and, this being an extendable leash, a fssst! of leash retracting, full speed, into the handle.  Fluffy Bear got a nice little jolt, 

I laughed my ass off and Puppy Dog, sensing the issue was resolved, gambolled off to sniff something or other.

Being a Doggy Mama - Puppy Dog moments

I come out of the bathroom into the dining room.  I stop.

Dogette and Puppy Dog freeze.

They both look up at me, bodies quivering, tails wagging.

The carcass of a dead, plushy bunny is between them, one end in each of their jaws.

I look at them, they look at me.

I move into the kitchen.  

They start to growl at each other, and the game is on again.

Being a Doggy Mama - Puppy Dog goes Commando

Today we went to hang out with Bill and Joe at our local haunt.

We decided to take Puppy Dog along with us because the pub lets people slip doggies in for a little bit sometimes and he hadn't had much fun today.

So we take him inside and get him into a corner behind our table. He's excited at first, sniffing things, saying hello to people, but eventually he lies down.

So we drink and we chat and we laugh and then I look down and see that Puppy Dog has crawled under my seat and is lying on the floor, head sticking out into the bar area a bit, but lying still.

Then I keep watching and I see that he is starting to sneak forward, stomach flat on the floor, commando-style, trying to get further towards the other people and their tasty, tasty food.

He's moving reeeeeeally slowly, inch by inch.

"I can see you!" I tell him softly.

He stands up, sighs, and licks my hand, defeated, saying sorry.

He's fecking hilarious.

Being a Doggy Mama - Funny Moments with Puppy Dog 2

Funny Moments with Puppy Dog No. 1 is here.

And here are a few more...

1. I wake up this morning and roll over. Puppy Dog is doing the same, on his back, legs in the air, moving his butt from side to side, airing his junk and streeeetching out. Great to start the day with a laugh!



2. Last night we got home late from seeing the new Star Trek movie and both lay on the bed with Puppy Dog between us. He had his new rubber ball in his mouth. It's bigger than a tennis ball and won't break or squish down much when he chews it, so he ends up constantly moving it around in his mouth, catching and recatching it in his jaws, while he pants through his nose. He sounds like Darth Vader.



3. If Puppy Dog lies on the bed, like a Sphinx, and wags his tail, the end of it, which curls over like a question mark, tickles my feet.



4. Puppy Dog doesn't just lick, he nibbles Fluffy Bear's ear. Hearing a 6ft 5, 260 pound man squeal with laughter is delightful.



5. If you call Puppy Dog over to you, don't bend over, because he comes running and jumps up, head-butting you in the chin.



6. Puppy Dog has a special spot - there's one on each side of his neck. There must be glands there or a pleasure centre or something because, if I scratch it, he bends his head to the side and pushes his muzzle forward, stretching his lips out. I call it "Fish Face." If I give him Fish Face, his corresponding back leg goes crazy and, if he's standing up, he collapses to the ground. If I need to calm him down, I bring out Fish Face.



7. He knows where his balls are hidden. If we take one away from him and put it up on a shelf, he knows it's there, even days later. So there you are, walking through the house, and Puppy Dog is standing in the kitchen, staring at the top of the refrigerator because he's bored and he wants his ball and it's up there and he's waiting for you to get it down and play.



8. Puppy Dog points. You'll be walking through the park and he smells his nemesis, Squirrel. He freezes, he lifts one leg, he shakes from head to toe. It's hilarious.



9. Puppy Dog slips and slides on our wooden floors. Fluffy Bear is, as I type, pioneering the Soft Ball Throw from the couch. In the past, we've thrown the ball as hard as possible, so it bounces off the bedroom door or the wall and he gets to jump this way and that to follow it. The Soft Ball Throw, however, lets him catch it in the middle of the dining room, and he then goes sliding into the wall. Yes, it's kinda mean, but it's funny.



10. The only thing meaner than the Soft Ball Throw is the Double Ball Throw. This was pioneered by a friend, Tony, who threw - you guess it - two tennis balls at the same time and watched Puppy Dog try to catch one, then the other, then subdue them one by one with some good chewing, then fit them both in his mouth before prancing back, triumphant, with his captured prey.

Ah, DOG is love.

Being a Doggy Mama - Life through a dog owner's eyes

You see: A cute kid with her Dad saying hello to a doggie and playing ball with him

Dog Owner sees: Impending doom

Why: Dog Owner knows that if the stupid kid doesn't let go of the ball soon and keeps waving it in front of Dog's face, Dog is going to snatch it out of her hand and only fate can tell whether or not his teeth will make contact with her juicy little fingers and then the Dad will be mad and Dog Owner will have to grab Dog and say sorry and hope and pray that this doesn't turn into a lawsuit.

You see: A cute squirrel

Dog Owner sees: Medical bills

Why: Dog and Squirrel are arch enemies. Dog believes Squirrel should be crunched to death in its jaws. Squirrel believes Dog can be thwarted by simpy staring him down. Therefore, Squirrel just sits in the tree with hypno eyes. This means that Dog will bound forward, leash or no leash. At best, more visits to the massage therapist for your shoulder. At worst, you hit the deck and it's the chiropractor.

You see: Disgusting dirty tennis ball left on the sidewalk

Dog Owner sees: A free prize!

Why: Dog owner can say "Whassat? Whassat?" to Dog and witness his joy as he finds, and grabs, the tennis ball, tail high, wagging effusively.

You see: A hygiene crime

Dog Owner sees: Practicality

Why: Dog Owner has taken Dog for a long walk. All the water fountains are too high for dog and dont have sprays that are strong enough to go over the fountain and reach the floor. Therefore, Dog Owner has to buy a bottle of water at the pharmacy and share it with Dog. Dog Owner loves Dog, sees Dog panting and so lets Dog drink first. Dog Owner pours water into their palm and Dog laps it. Dog's tongue may touch the rim of the bottle. Dog Owner is thirsty too and figures that, hell, this aint that different from when I let Dog kiss me, so wipes off the edge of the water bottle and has a drink themselves. It's just more practical that way.

You see: Two dogs sniffing each other and then starting to growl and bark... how cute!

Dog Owner sees: Dead Dog

Why: Dog Owner knows that it is impossible to predict how two dogs will react to each other. Both may be docile and friendly yet not with each other. They may be friends, have play dates, but just have a problem with each other that particular day. Any inkling of things getting out of control is scary - very scary.

You see: A tennis court in the park with people playing on a nice summer's day

Dog Owner sees: A test of dog training

Why: For Dog, tennis ball has one function only: prey. The fact that humans are hitting them around is just a bonus - prey with game. Getting Dog to walk past tennis court without going completely insane is going to be very difficult. Dog Owner instantly regrets not having spent more time training Dog.

You see: Kids playing frisbee in the park

Dog Owner sees: A test of dog training + potential law suit.

Why: At least a tennis court has a fence around it.

Being a Doggy Mama - Dog is love

I guess having a dog is kindov like having a kid. You relate to other people who also have them, and automatically trade stories.

I had a massage the other day and started by asking the therapist to concentrate on my neck because Puppy Dog had pulled me over a few weeks ago.

So she asked what dog we have and told me that she and her husband had a Golden Retriever Puppy. She already had a lot of naughty puppy stories.

Never mind the housetraining - the little critter had found a box of surgical gloves - I have no idea why they have those at their house - took them out through the doggie door and spread them all over the yard. She said it looked like little beige alien corpses after a civil war.

He'd also got up onto the kitchen counters and carpeted the whole house with paper napkins.

Maybe they helped out with the housetraining accidents...

Ah, Dog is love.

Being a Doggy Mama - Puppy Dog and Uncle Bill

I told Bill the story of Puppy Dog being high while we were on vacation because I gave him a Vicadin by mistake. I told him all about calling the Vet and how Puppy Dog was totally manic and running up and down the hills and how worried I'd been and he said:

"You wasted a Vicadin on the dog?!?!?"

Being a Doggy Mama - Oopsie!

We just went on vacation!

It was to a fantastic place with vines and hills and Puppy Dog was allowed to run around off the leash.

He made friends with the hotel dog - she was a lab too - and they swam in the pond and pooped between the trees and ran between the scrub bushes and there were smells and hills and a river and sun and Puppy dog ran and ran and ran and ran and never seemed to get tired.

Then... 

"Why is my Vicadin out here?" Fluffy Bear said.

"What Vicadin?" I asked.

"The Vicadin from my dentist appointment," he said.

"Oooooh shit! I thought that was Puppy Dog's anti-inflammatory medicine! I gave him one!"

Then there was a lot of running around to find my cell phone. 

"He'll be OK with just one dose," the Veterinary Nurse said. "You should try to keep him still because the Vicadin will make him not feel the pain of his leg injury and he might make it worse."

"Um... he's been running around like a manic demon, up and down the hills."

"Yeah, you may wanna try to restrict that. It will take ten to twelve hours to work through his system and he might be a bit.... frisky till then..."

"You mean he's high as a kite," she said.

"Well... yes."

It was probably the best day he'd ever had...

Being a Doggy Mama - Arse grass

Fluffy Bear told me a great story today while we walked Puppy Dog.

I knew something good was coming as soon as he opened his mouth because he started speaking in our U-O-me tone.

After many years of marriage we have certain little foibles which pepper our lives, and one of them is a tone of indignation used to describe carrying out a task we both do - like taking out the trash - which, for some reason, we did alone that specific day and happened to be particularly unpleasant. It's a tone that says "I had to do this and it totally sucked and you fecking owe me."

Fluffy Bear had taken Puppy Dog to the park. As he often does when he's out for a walk, Puppy Dog did a poo. This isn't usually an issue - a quick pickup in the plastic bag and head for the nearest trash can.

But Fluffy Bear and Puppy Dog got stuck in a strange check-mate dance.

You see, Puppy Dog had been eating grass. And now it was time for the grass to come out. And it did, except not all the way.

So there was Puppy Dog with a long, poo-encrusted piece of grass hanging from his little pink poo-chute. He could feel something there, so he kept crouching. Fluffy Bear could see the stubborn piece of excrement hanging there and, hand in poo bag, tried to grab it from Puppy Dog's butt. But Puppy Dog doesn't like you looking at him when he poos, let alone touching him. So this is how it went.

• Poo-grass flaps


• Fluffy Bear reaches for it


• Puppy Dog takes two steps forward to avoid the plastic bag-clad hand and crouches again, trying to get the poo out


• Poo-grass flaps


• Fluffy Bear reaches for it


• Puppy Dog takes two steps forward to avoid the plastic bag-clad hand and crouches, again....

As Fluffy Bear told this story, his U-O-me tone was overtaken by the high voice of indignation. The more I laughed, the higher he squeaked.

In front of us, oblivious, Puppy Dog darted back and forth on his extendable leash, sniffing things.

Being a Doggy Mama - Roboto doggo

Yesterday, Fluffy Bear, Bill and I took the dogs for a walk then had lunch.

Many other people were out doing the same thing. As we were walking back to our cars, we saw a couple with a black Labrador puppy.

I guess you know by now that Puppy Dog is a Chocolate Lab. We got him when he was a teenager so we never had the chance to see what he was like when he was all cute and small and warm and cuddly. I often express my regret about this, and Fluffy Bear and Bill have heard me go on about it on various occasions.

I've mentioned Bill before, but to set the scene, there's something you need to know about him. He takes deadpan, straight faced, dry wit to new heights (or lows?). Think Dr Cox from Scrubs, but deathly calm.

"Imagine in the future, when you have nanotech robot dogs," I mused, looking at the black Lab puppy. "There could be a button. You could press it and your dog could morph back into his puppy state, and he'd be all soft and furry and warm and cuddly and you could play with him and squeeze him and carry him around and have him chew your ears and then, when you were sick of him peeing all over the house you could press the button again and - whoosh! - back to being an adult dog, house trained, calmer, curled up in front of the fire."

"I can see you've put a lot of thought into that," sneered Bill.

Fluffy Bear thought it was hilarious.

I still want my nanotech dog.