Ittybittycrazy

Last night, we had a few friends over for dinner. It was an informal thing - Fluffy Bear BBQ'd, but I did set the table in the dining room so we could go inside and eat comfortably when the time came.

Two friends of ours came with their chocolate lab - let's call him Theo. He's an adorable dog, happy to roam around the yard and house, play with the carcasses of Puppy Dog's decimated toys, chew a tennis ball, and generally just be a very good boy.

But Theo still has his goolie woolies.

Unlike Puppy Dog - a pound pooch who had his seamen submarines snipped - Theo swings low like a sturdy sex machine.

And Puppy Dog just couldn't deal with it.

It's his den, his yard, his territory. And Theo better get the message about where he is in the pack.

Theo lives with another dog - let's call her Tara. She is older than Theo and is in charge at their house, so Theo has no problem with being number two. He lay down, he submitted, he was being as nice as pie.

But it didn't make any difference.

Puppy Dog rolled out his pink lipstick and jumped on his back, a-humping and a-humping and a-humping.

We had to take him away and lock him in the bedroom three times over the course of the evening.

I can't describe to you the very particular kind of embarrassment that accompanies a break in conversation, a glance over to the left and a realization that your dog is climbing on a another dog's back to do the dirty flirty fandango - AGAIN".

"Really? Michael Jackson had placed a huge order with Nordstrom for silk socks and now that order is cancelled? Wow. I didn't know- Excuse me, I just have to go deal with my dog..."

"Would you like some more wine? Red or a little more dessert wine? Sure, I'll... NO! PUPPY DOG! NO! GET OFF!"

"I saw that house up the street go on the market. It looks amazing. I was waiting to see if there'd be an open house but I guess that's the kind of place where you have to make a private viewing appointment... It sold in one week? You're kidding! I'd love to know what it sold f- Back in the bedroom! NO! You are going BACK to your BED!"

And so it went on.

And on.

When the dogs were finally tired out and lay down on the floor to sleep, I experienced a rush of relief that felt better than any cigarette, any booze buzz.