Puppy Talk - Bed time

 

Puppy Girl:  Mama?  Mama?  Please can I get up on your bed?

Puppy Dog:  It's bed time.  They aren't going to let you get up there.  Just go to your bed.

Puppy Girl:  Shut up!  They'll let me up!  They let me up 'cos I'm cute and small and a puppy.  Dada?  Dada?  Please can I come up?

Puppy Dog: You're wasting your time.

Puppy Girl:  Shut up!  Just leave... me... alone!  Mama?  Dada?  I'm over he-eeeere!  Please lift me up!

Puppy Dog:  There isn't enough room for you up there now, anyway.  You've got too big.  Just go to your bed.

Puppy Girl:  Shut up!  I'm ignoring you!  Mama?  Dada?  Please?  Please?

Puppy Dog:  OK, first, if you tell me you're ignoring me, you're not ignoring me.  Second, it's late and I'm tired.  Just be quiet and go to bed.

Puppy Girl:  SHUT UP!  Mama?  Mama?  Dada?  Dada?

Puppy Dog: Oh my Dog, I really miss the crate.

Puppy Girl:  Shuddup, shuddup, shuddup, shuddup!  Shut.  Up.  I'm a big girl, I don't need a crate!  Mama?  Please?  Dada?  Please?

Puppy Dog: I thought you were a cute puppy?

Puppy Girl:  Shuddup!  MAMA!  DADA!  PLEASE!  PLEASE!  They're ignoring me.

Puppy Dog: Told you so.  (Sigh.)  If you're a big girl, you should go to your big girl bed.

Puppy Girl: Um... Oh, OK...

Puppy Dog:  Oh, thank Dog.  

Puppy Girl: I actually quite like my bed.  (Yawn.)  

Puppy Dog: Good night.

Puppy Girl:  I hate... zzzzzzz.....

I'm jus' sayin' - Grit your teeth...

Not what you want to see coming out of the elevator on way to dentist: man with tears in his eyes pressing an ice pack to his left cheek.  

I'm jus' sayin'.

I'm jus' sayin' - www.holyshitthatcantberight.com

 

I found out yesterday that someone has created a porn site that has a URL that's very similar to our intranet web address.

That's gotta be one pissed off ex-employee...

I'm jus' sayin'.

9 to 5 - South African humor

 

I was sitting in my cube today when I heard one of my team members wish the other a happy birthday.  

My team-mate is a bit of a ham, so he sang one or two lines of the song.

So I waited a few minutes and went over to the birthday boy's cube.

"So... it's your big day today?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said, a little embarrassed.

"Did Joe just sing you a song?" 

"Yeah, he did," he replied, getting even more embarrassed.

"OK, so that means I can too, right?"

"Uh.. yeah... I guess."

"OK," I said, turning my English accent up to full volume to remind him I'm a ferner, "here's the thing.   I have this song I like to sing people on their birthdays.  It's my own little tradition."

"Uh..." he said, his eyes widening.

"You have to bear with me," I went on, talking louder, making the most of the open-plan cube farm.  "The song is pretty long.  You up for it?"

"Uh... sure..."  He had involuntarily backed up into the corner of his workspace, his back against his desk.

"JUST KIDDING!" I yelled.

 All things considered, he took the joke pretty well.

Hello from Puppy Dog - Domestic violence

 

Hello friends

Today Mama said domestic violence is wrong.

Then Dada asked her why she keeps hitting him.

Then Mama smacked him on the arm.

I don't understand...

Hairless apes are so weird.

Lots of licks and woofs,

Puppy Dog

PIC - Puppy Girl has written a formal complaint to Santa

 

Dada's, Mama's and Puppy Dog's.  Then a temporary one for Puppy Girl till her home made one comes from her Aunty in South Africa...

He Said She Said - Lazy Sunday

 

He was digging under the couch cushions.

"Where's my phone?" he asked.

"I dunno," she said.

"But, Honey!" he said.  "You're the woman, you're supposed to know these things!"

"Fuck off, Darling," she said.

Later...

They were watching an ad for a product from KY, which enhances the female experience.

"Maybe we should get some of that," she said.

"I thought they only made that kind of stuff for men," he said.

"Fuck off, Darling," she said.

Later...

They were watching Mythbusters, a TV show where geeks try to prove or disprove Hollywood myths, like whether McGyver can get out of a locked room using chewing gum, mouthwash and a coat hanger.

"You're watching this Mythbusters marathon to get back at me for Project Runway and Real Housewives of Atlanta, aren't you?" she asked.

"Actually," he said, passing her the TV remote, "I'm sick of it.  You choose something to watch."

"Holy shit!" she said.  "There is hope!"

I'm jus' sayin' - Say it like it IS

 

When you're having brunch with two medical professionals, it probably isn't the best idea to refer to your dog's vagina as her "foo-foo."

I'm jus' sayin'.

Bucket List - Go on Safari in Africa

 

Going on safari in Africa is an exotic dream for many people.  For South Africans, even though it's on our doorstep, it's a dream too - because it's fucking expensive.

Oh sure, you can go to one of those parks where you drive through yourself, but you won't see a damn thing.  You might be two feet away from a lion, and you wouldn't know it.

So doing a safari in a private game reserve, with a tracker and a guide, is a real treat.  

A few years ago, Fluffy Bear and I got a great deal on a three day package, and we both had pretty good incomes back then, so we went for it.

We drove and drove and drove before we reached the park.  We went through the gates, and parked our car just inside.  A Jeep with our guide and tracker came down to meet us.

They told us that, because they were a very small park, and hadn't been open long, they only had two lions and - lucky for us - they were mating.  They explained that, when lions mate, they do it for days, again and again, and they stay in pretty much the same area, so the tracker knew where they were.

"Would you like to be taken to your room and settle in," they asked, "or would you like to go and find the lions?"

Well, D'UH!  We chose the lions.

And that's how we found ourselves, 15 minutes after arriving at the park, sitting in an open topped Jeep, ten feet away from two bonking lions.

The next three minutes went something like this:

Lioness: I'm ready

Lion: Again? Already? God...

Lioness:  Aw, come on, Honey...

Lion:  OOH!  Well, if you put it that way...

Lion:  Get ready, Baby.  Here comes the supertanker!

Lioness:  Yeah, right...  Just give me some cubs, Big Man

Lion:  Mmmm... Yeah...  I'm feelin' it!

Lioness:  Mmm hmm.  Yes.  Ooh.  Ah.  Whatever.

Lion:  GRRRRRROWL!

Lioness:  What the--?  Hey!  So soon?

Lion:  Yeah!  I'm the man!  Was that good for you baby?

Lioness:  They say you have to roll on your back and wriggle to make sure the sperm... What?  Oh, yeah, right.  It was great, Baby.  You go rest now.  Mama will be ready again in a few...

 

The way a Safari works is this:

They wake you up at Are-you-fucking-kidding-me 'o clock in the morning, escort you from your room (I say room - it was bigger than our flat in London at the time) to the main building (there are no fences, so you are not allowed to leave your room by yourself), you have a quick cup of coffee and get up on the Jeep to go see the animals as they wake up and go hunting.  Animals are sleeping in the middle of the day, when it's too hot to get anything done.  Yes, they embrace the concept of the Siesta.

After your morning game drive you come back to the main building and eat, and the rest of the day is yours to laze by your private plunge pool, read, lie in a hammock and nap, have a spa treatment... whatever.  

In the afternoon, just before sunset, you go on your next game drive.  This goes on into the dark, when the tracker and guide show you the nocturnal animals with a massive spotlight on the Jeep.

Frankly, the whole thing is fucking amazing.

Here are some of the highlights...

This guy decided he didn't like us being close to him and started flapping his ears, getting ready to charge the Jeep.   Our guide put us into reverse very quickly and we backed up

We watched this young lady fail to catch a buck

This guy wasn't too happy with us getting too close to his family, and came over to explain that we should keep on movin'

A lovely family picture

 These guys get a bird's eye view

He Said She Said - Waterproofing

"I think I broke the scale," he said.

"The small scale we use for weighing food?" she asked.

 "Yes."

"But we just got a new battery for it!  We just got to start using it again!"

"I know!" he said, getting annoyed.

"How did you break it?" she asked.

"I thought it was waterproof!"  He was drying the scale with a kitchen towel, rubbing vigorously.

"Wait.  You what?"

"I ran it under the tap to clean it..."  he said, opening the battery compartment, taking the battering out and blowing on it.

"You what?!"

"It's a kitchen scale!"  

"Are you kidding me?"

"You use it in the kitchen!  It's supposed to be waterproof!" he wailed.

"Why?  Because it rains in the kitchen?"  She started to laugh.  "Because people like to cook in their pools?"

"Stop it!" 

"Never mind, honey, I'm sure it'll be fine..."

She walked out of the kitchen, giggling.

9 to 5 - Week 1

 

Well, I survived week 1 at my new job!

It's weird to be working again, to be getting up early in the morning, to be blow-drying my hair rather than scraping it into a ratty ponytail or hiding it under a baseball cap.

It's weird to be sorting through my work clothes, my stockings, shoes with heels.

It's weird to go out in the morning with other commuters, cups of coffee in hand, waiting for the bus.  

It's also fucking cold, so I made Fluffy Bear drive me to work more than once!

I have a cube, of course, that's pretty standard - boring.  Not sure how to decorate yet.  I suppose a pic of me and FBear is expected.  I wonder how many pics of the dogs would be cute vs. making me look like a crazy old bat...

Everyone on my team seems really nice - and that's what makes the difference in whether or not you enjoy your job on a day to day basis, right?  I've had time to talk to everyone about what they do, and the pieces are slowly coming together in my haven't-worked-for-6-months, working-in-slow-motion brain to form a clear picture.

I've had headaches towards the end of every day, and I've figured out why.  No, it's not that my brain is too full - although I did think that at first!  I get very dehydrated.  I need to take the time to drink a LOT more water.  

It's the canned air.  Or maybe it's just being over 40, drying out, getting wrinkled and crusty, like an autumn leaf.

On second thought... No - fuck that - it's the canned air.

I was taken on a tour of our buildings, and it was fascinating to see all the different departments.  Marketing have a fun space, of course, with collateral from past years all over the walls.  They even get patterns of color in their carpet! 

Other buildings have much better cafeterias than ours but, seeing as my life is currently ruled by the iPhone calorie counter, maybe taking my own leftovers into the office in a tupperware is for the best.

People in general are very warm and welcoming.  They smile and say hello in the corridors, people stop by when they see my cube is now occupied to introduce themselves, the women chat with you in the restroom.  People seem to be happy.

Freaky.

Dear Diary - Ho! Ho! Ho!

 

Dear Diary

I walked past the Nordstrom shop window yesterday and there was Santa taking photos with families and kids.  

I stopped to watch.

A family with little kids came up.  Santa, whose mike is broadcast outside the store so you can hear what he is saying, said hello and made reassuring noises but, of course, the girl baby started to scream.  

Her older brother, originally fascinated and quite comfortable with Santa, became suspicious when his sister started to wail and took a step away, putting his right hand in his mouth and looking a bit freaked out by it all.  I didn't see what happened, because I went to buy coffee, but I was thinking that Santa must have the patience of a saint.

When I walked past again, Santa was chatting to two pre-teens, who were clearly forced to be there by their parents and were totally DYING, Dude.  Like, Oh.  My.  God!

They looked like the only thing that could be worse would be water boarding, and they were both standing as far away from Santa as they could, looking at the cameraman, willing him to get this damn thing over with.

It reminded me about a story a colleague once told me about a friend of hers who made her kids go every year until the youngest was 25 years old, at which point the children ganged up against their mother and flat out refused to co-operate.  

On the other hand, it must be nice to have that yearly chronicle of how the kids grew up.

Maybe we should go see Santa Paws with the puppies...

Then again, I don't want to be the bitch whose dogs killed Santa...

9 to 5 - Day 1 - The Prequel

 

6:00am - Wake up, decide I hate my alarm with a passion

6:02am - Take dogs out to pee

6:03am - Try to get Puppy Girl to poop

6:04am - Get barked at by an annoyed Puppy Girl

6:09am - Scoop poop, hit head on branch as I stand up

6:10am - Get Puppy Dog's food, herd Puppy Girl away with my right foot, let Puppy Dog eat

6:12am - Get Puppy Girl's food, try to keep her from scratching holes in my PJs as she repeatedly jumps up at me

6:13am - Get Puppy Girl to sit, after 4 attempts, for 0.5 seconds before I let her have her food

6:14am - Stand guard, making sure that the dogs don't eat each others' food

6:15am - Grab bowls off the floor before each dog runs to lick and sniff to see if the other one has left a nanocrumb of food behind

6:16am - Let Puppy Dog back through to the bedroom to go back to sleep

6:17am - Have breakfast and vitamins

6:20am - Spend some time playing with Puppy Girl.  Wake Fluffy Bear up twice when I scream when she bites my hand too hard

6:35am - Put Puppy Girl on the bed with Fluffy Bear, shower

6:50am - Do hair and makeup

7:10am - Have crisis, deciding that the outfit I spent an hour choosing last night is all wrong

7:11am - Panic

7:12am - Panic

7:13am - Panic

7:14am - Panic

7:15am - Go through clothes, again and again, swearing, while trying to stop Puppy Girl from stealing the clean socks

7:30am - Decide on pants and a shirt, and get dressed

7:35am - Pick Puppy Girl up and throw her on Fluffy Bear's head, so that he has to get the hell up

7:40am - Make sure I have everything, try to stop Puppy Girl jumping up on my clothes with muddy paws.  Fail

7:50am - Try to catch Puppy Girl to put her in her crate

7:55am - Finally tempt Puppy Girl close enough with a squeaky toy to catch her

8:00am - Hug Puppy Dog goodbye and leave the house

8:05am - Driven to work by a wonderful Fluffy Bear.  Look worryingly at hill I have to climb to the bus stop tomorrow

8:07am - Try to convince Fluffy Bear to take me home so I can hide under the duvet.  Fail

8:12am - Try to convince Fluffy Bear to drive to the Mexico border.  Fail

8:15am - Arrive at office, decide I need coffee

8:16am - Walk round building, trying to find coffee shop.  Fail

8:20am - Ask some guys smoking outside where a coffee shop is.  They point me to a building which has a Starbucks  

8:21am - Sigh, because I hate Starbucks soy lattes - why the hell do they use Vanilla Soy?  

8:22am - Realize I have no time to get coffee anyway

8:23am - Stomp into my building

8:24am - Stand in elevator, not understanding why it isn't moving

8:25am - Realize that all floors except Reception require pass to be swiped in front of reader before you can push button, and I have been pushing floor 10 instead of Floor 15

8:26am - Realize that I have forgotten my watch and am wearing Fluffy Bear's wedding ring

8:27am - Check in at Reception, get pass, go to my floor

8:30am - Find that there is an espresso bar in the cafeteria.  Ask new boss if I can get coffee

8:35am - First sip of coffee

8:36am - Sigh, for all is well