Workplace Personalities - The Driveby

How this person keeps their job is a mystery, because they never seem to do any work. Instead, they trap you in your cube with a drive by conversation.

At least in the corridor you can take steps backwards and increase the distance between you until the person takes the hint. With a Driveby, unless you have a meeting to get to, you have nowhere to run.

They come up to your cube, interrupting what you are doing, and start to chat.

Sometimes, the conversation starts with a supposed work question, but don't be fooled. The Driveby is using you to avoid doing their own work, and so will extend your conversation as long as possible, which is easily done if they start to talk about personal things.

The Driveby is a master of association. Whatever short, pithy answer you give to the drivel spewing from their lips, they will think of some association that sparks yet another story.

The most dangerous day of the week for being trapped by the Driveby is Monday, because that justifies the killer question: How was your weekend?

The correct answer is always: "Great!" followed by turning back to your computer screen and typing furiously or, even better, reaching for your phone and starting to dial any number you can think of.

Do not say: 

• Great, how about yours?
• Great, we had a BBQ.
• Good - great weather on Saturday, wasn't it? 

Any of these answers opens you up to twenty minutes of entrapment - minimum.  Not only that, but you enter the perilous territory of Overshare.  You'll hear about the family, the extended family, even stories from the family history.  And God help you if the "my friend" stories come out.  Now you're up to thirty minutes.

That urgent email you had to answer?  Good luck with that. 

Key signs: It's pretty obvious.  They're either standing in your cube, or body blocking you in the hallway.

Catch phrase: How are you today?  Just thought I'd come say Hi!

Your Strategy:

Option 1: Turn your back or grab your phone, as described above.

Option 2: Pretend you have a meeting, gather up your laptop and papers and walk away from your cube. The Driveby will follow you, so make sure you go past another cube, say hi to the poor bugger inside it and then Driveby will start talking to them instead of you. Then go hide in an empty meeting room for half an hour. When you come back, avoid walking past the cube where you deposited Driveby, as they'll still be there.

Option 3: Say you have to go to the bathroom.  This doesn't always work - I once had a female Driveby follow me in.

Option 4: Have your own phone number programmed into your cellphone and find a way to push the right buttons to call yourself on your desk phone.

Option 5: This is a spin on the Woman Party Save.  When we go out in groups, we have a signal that we use if we've been trapped by a guy we aren't interested in.  At the bar, on the dance floor, anywhere. One small wave or look and our friends step in faster than Delta Force.  Set up a sign with your next cube neighbor.  Of course, if they are away at a meeting, you're fucked.

Option 6: Say "I'm sorry, I have to finish this email." or "Hey, good to see you, but I have to get back to my report to meet the deadline."  Unfortunately, these excuses can lose their clout over time.  It doesn't make sense that you'd have an urgent thing to attend to every day at the very time the Driveby is chatting with you.

So, overall, I'd suggest combining these options in your defence arsenal.

Their comeuppance:  There isn't one.  Everyone thinks that a colleague who takes the time to be friendly is great, right?

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• The Phantom
• The Urban Warrior

Workplace Personalities - The WIC

WIC = Why I Can't

No matter what you ask this person to do, they will give you a reason why they can't do it.

And it isn't just a concise, legitimate reason.

Nope.

It's a stooooooooory.

You see, the reason why they can't help you, can't execute the task, can't deliver to the deadline is because the organization isn't structured right, they don't have the right resources, they have a complicated chronic health problem, they don't have access to the right equipment, you're making them work with someone who doesn't have the right skills, and on and on and on.

And then they'll tell you how that situation arose, because you need to understand the entire history and context.

"Once upon a time we were going to do X and then Y changed jobs and then Z took away the budget and then..."

It's not that they're the problem, you understand.  They're very competent.  No.  It's forces beyond their control that are causing the situation.  It's not their fault.

Meetings with this kind of person are interminable. Getting one agenda item covered is a miracle.  No matter how much you believe in being polite, you find yourself interrupting to stem the flow of WIC, WIC, WIC.

To sum this person up, think about a cartoon character rubbing their eyes as large tears spout out at 45 degree angles on either side of their heads.  Boo hoo hoo!

Key signs:  Excuses, excuses, excuses

Key phrase:  I won't be able to do that because...

Your Strategy:

You'll be tempted to counter each obstacle they throw at you with a mitigation that you can execute.  

DO.  NOT.  DO.  THIS.  Because this is exatly what the WIC wants.  He or she wants you to deal with the problem.  

There is one and only thing to say:

[Insert name here], it's important that we get this done.  I know that you can find a way to do it by [insert deadline here].  And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to [insert reason to leave here].

Their comeuppance:

 Confirm what you have told them in the Strategy section, above, in an email, adding "If there are any issues that are going to cause a delay, please let me know and cc [insert their boss or, if you are their boss, your boss' name here] at least [insert reasonable mitigation time period here] before [insert deadline here].

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• The Arsonist
• Parents Lil Princess

Workplace Personalities - Phantom

The Phantom of the Opera is a mystery, for he or she is simply never there.

When you look over and catch them actually in the office, sitting in their cube, you jump in shock.

Where did they come from?

Do they still work here?

Where in the basement do they hide to actually get any work done?

And yet, the Phantom seems to have some magic power. He or she turns their boss into Christine, completely under their spell.

The fact that they always dial into, or simply don't attend, meetings is never commented on.  They aren't excluded from plum assignments.  Their names are actually mentioned when describing who contributed to a successful project.

HOW? 

It's a frickin' mystery.

Key signs: Absence.

Catch phrase: None. They aren't there, remember?

Your Strategy: Find out their goddamn secret.

Their comeuppance: Never happens.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• Lil Miss Congeniality
• The Teflon Kid

Workplace Personalities - The Triple S

The three S'es stand for Short Shit Syndrome.

I know, I know, this isn't anything new. This phenomenon exists all over the world, and isn't restricted to the workplace.

The Short Shit is a man of limited stature who overcompensates with excessive aggression.

No matter what you do and how you do it, you're wrong. If you're right, you have to wait until they reiterate your proposal, thereby claiming it as their own bright idea.

Meetings are opportunities for confrontation.

Conversations are peppered with references to possessions that indicate prowess - sports car, boat, plane.

The tone is always one decibel away from that iconic army guy who yells at new recruits.  

Every sentence is a verbal wrecking ball, tearing you down, smashing you to bits.  

Picture an annoying terrier, barking incessantly.  The dog is small but you know that those fucking things can latch onto any part of your anatomy they want to, clamp their jaws shut and never let go.

Key signs:

• Bad jokes
• Swearwords
• Loud voice
• Insulting terms directed at others

Catch phrase:  ANYTHING SAID SLIGHTLY TOO LOUDLY.

Your Strategy: Placate, while imagining his mini-dick to make you feel better about it.

Their comeuppance:  The only place that the Triple S is humbled is in a crowded elevator.  Unless it's in Asia.

Never ever: Pat on the head

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• The Party Planner
• The Mother Hen

Workplace Personalities - The Urban Warrior

The Urban Warrior is a technical and time management genius.

They know how to use the latest handheld and connectivity technology to always appear like they are at their desks. You will never get an email from them that ends with "Sent from my iPhone". They can be on a ski lift and appear to have answered your query from their cube.

They also manage to fit the snowboarding, fishing trips, boating trips, sporting events around the work they have to do, without ever falling behind or getting caught. They take all their vacation days, and then some. They manage to get the business travel assignments to the best locations, and somehow fit in a round of golf.

The Urban Warrior is, as far as I'm concerned, a God.

Key signs: 

• A lot of sporting equipment strapped to the top of their car
• A well used smartphone
• A very lightweight laptop

Catch phrase:  There isn't one.  They somehow appear to be a normal employee.  

Your Strategy: Investigate.  Emulate.

Their comeuppance:  Doesn't happen.  Unless they break their leg snowboarding.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like: 

• The 3P
• The Curmudgeon

Quote Unquote - Sci Fi

"(Sigh...) The annual Quahog Star Trek convention. Where once a year sci fi buffs can take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight."

Brian Griffin, Family Guy

Workplace Personalities - The 3P

3P = Pathologically Proud Parent.

The cliche is to say that this is always a mother, but I have had male colleagues who are equally boring.

These are the colleagues who insist on regaling you in nauseating detail about every tedious, insignificant exploit their child is engaged in. Sporting achievements, Scouts, Girl Guides, acting debuts, music recitals are all weaved into stories worthy of Olympic athletes.

These are the colleagues who guilt you into buying tasteless Girl Scout cookies, who look askance at you on Halloween if you haven't decorated your cube and put out cheap candy, who simply do not understand why you wouldn't want to hold their new baby, a wet-lipped, snot-nosed, purple-faced, wrinkled and gurgling thing who cannot even hold it's own head up.

These are the colleagues who constantly interrupt you to call you over to their cube to view the latest Flickr photos of their bambino, their genius-child, their prodigy.

There is a strange mathematical phenomenon that surrounds these people. For each 3P you add to a conversation, the volume, detail and length of the sharing is cubed.

3P3.

God forbid you are in a meeting with three or more, because you will never get down to business.

Key signs:

• Screensavers of kid pics
• A cube covered in framed kid pics

Catch phrase: Oh my God, you won't believe what little [insert Snotgoblin's name here] did!

Your Strategy: Grin and bear it. Sadly, anything else is non-PC.

Their comeuppance: When their kids become teenagers and start to hate their parents.

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

You might like:

• Parents Lil Princess
• The Golden Child

Workplace Personalities - The Curmudgeon

The Curmudgeon

This post is inspired by Debineezer's.

At work, the Curmudgeon is the person who is never happy.

This species has three breeds:

1. The Snarky Sarky
   Generally sarcastic, ironic and witty, this person can be a joy to be around. They cut through the BS, expose what is really going on and manage to couch in all in terms that are simultaneously frightening in that they reveal the truth and yet reassuring in that they are absolutely hilarious. This beast is rare and should be kept close as they allow you to maintain perspective and engage in real belly laughs, something that needs to happen a lot more in the office environment.
   Example: Dr Cox from Scrubs, Sesame Street's Statler and Waldorf
   Your Strategy: Embrace


2. The Vocal Idealist
   This person has a specific view of the work world and is not afraid to point out the difference between where we are and where they think we should be. The realities of budget or resource constraints are as foreign to them as foie gras to a Hillbilly. They complain in meetings, in front of customers, in corridor conversations which start as a whisper and end as a yell because you are desperately trying to escape and you have taken 27 steps backwards during the course of their rant.
   Example: George from Seinfeld
   Your Strategy: Avoid


3. The Anti-Battery
   These people could drain the energy from a nuclear power grid in 30 seconds. They walk around with a little storm cloud over their heads and see a surface for mould rather than a ripe peach, the fat content and calories rather than the piece of birthday cake they're offered and the affect on their workload rather than advancement opportunity of any work task they're given. If you are going on vacation somewhere exotic, they'll warn you about the mosquitoes. If you are pregnant, they'll tell you about the latest Sudden Infant Death Syndrome statistics. If you are finally given budget to take that business trip, they'll regale you with the various details that constitute the horror of flying coach class.
   Example: Droopy Dog
   Your Strategy: Ignore

For more Workplace Personalities, click here.

He said She said - Baking bad

"The banana bread's ready!" she yelled from the kitchen.

 She pointed to the chopping board.

 He picked some up and put it in his mouth.

 "I made some substitutions to the recipe..." she cautioned.

 She watched his expression. 

"I know what you're thinking," she said.

 "What?" he asked.

 "You're thinking 'That was a banana I could have had on my cereal tomorrow morning'."

 "Nope," he said. "I was just wondering what substitutions you made-"

 As she opened her mouth to answer, he interrupted. 

"- so that you can remember not to make them again." 

She smacked his shoulder, and he fed the rest of his slice to the dog.

To read more in this series, click here.

Health is Wealth - FBB gets no Humpty Dumpty

If you want to see more by the artist who painted this picture, click here.

FBB = Fattie Boom Boom. See explanation post here.

If you assumed Humpty Dumpty had something to do with humping, I am sorry to disappoint you. This is all about eggs.

When I was kid, my nursery rhyme book portrayed Humpy Dumpty as a big egg that fell off the wall and cracked.

Anyway, Softly Concerned, my Nutritionist, suggested I have an allergy test. So I went to see my doctor and allowed her phlebotomist to poke me with a sharp thing and suck my very life blood out of me while I scunched my eyes closed and tried to visualize a tropical beach, and I duly posted it off to some lab or other.

Softly Concerned emailed me with the results.

I am "highly reactive" to eggs.

SHIT!

I love eggs.

I love boiled eggs, poached eggs, scrambled eggs, fried eggs.

• Scrambled eggs and smoked salmon


• Fried eggs and bacon


• Poached eggs on cooked spinach


• Soft boiled eggs with bits of toast to dip into them


• Hard boiled eggs with mayonnaise


• Egg salad sandwiches


• Boiled eggs in Salad Nicoise


• Quiche...

I haven't spoken to Softly Concerned about what this means yet.

Will I have to give them up completely? Will I have to give up anything even containing eggs? Cupcakes? Pancakes? Chocolate cake?

Will I have to embrace Vegan cafes, previously the brunt of my scornful wit?

It's really too frightening to even think about.

It's the little things - Hippie dippy

Saturday was Earth Hour. Switch off all your lights and electronics for an hour, let Mother Earth have a break.

At first we thought we'd light candles and have a long bath but, when it came down to it, we settled for tealights in the lounge, all other lights off and watching TV.

We also decided running the dishwasher didn't count.

I guess we weren't really 100% hippie, but at least we tried.

I found two things interesting.

First, no one on our street seemed to know or care about Earth Hour. Everyone's lights were on.

Second, it's amazing how, when you turn the lights out, you realize how little you actually need them, even at night.

If you just open up the blinds, the houses next door are so close that you can take a lot from their light.

If you aren't actually in the room, and you don't plan to be going in it much (e.g. the toilet), you can turn out the light.

If you're watching TV, all you really need is one light to balance the glow.

It's 7pm now and we have no lights on in the lounge, corridor or bathroom. There's one on in the kitchen, but I'm about to cook.

So, although we didn't go full hippie last night, something has shifted. And I guess that's the point.

Hello from Puppy Dog - I love walks!

Hello Mama's friends!

Today Mama and Dada took me for a really cool walk!

I got to run in the mud! It was squelchy!

I got to pee on trees and bushes and mark them as mine!

I got to chase some duckies! They flew off... they don't play fair. Dirty duckies!

I got to jump into the water! There were all these bits floating on the top. Mama kept shrieking about scuzz and pond scum but I just thought it smelled really interesting!

I got to drink from some tasty puddles. Mama kept shrieking about ickiness, but I think it's yummy!

Mama shrieks a lot.

Well... she shrieked at first, but after 40 minutes of walking she wasn't saying anything much at all. Mama needs to work on her fitness.

I am very fit. I can jump and run and sniff and walk for hours!

We walked past some boats, through some grassy places, past some houses.

Mama and Dada always talk a lot when we walk past houses. They go on and on about the paint and the color and the decks and the yards and the position vs. the sunshine and the windows and the fences and then one of them always says "We could never afford this area anyway," and they both get quiet for a while. That's when I perk up because they're concentrating on me again.

Then I can nudge Mama's hand and she can remember to give me one of the treats in her pocket. Yummy!

We walked along the road and then back into the park again. There was another dog and we got to sniff each other's butts and jump around and play! Our leashes got all twisted but we still had a great time! I love making new friends!

Walks are fun!

Lots of love and woofs,

Puppy Dog

Health is Wealth - One Hundred

The other day Fluffy Bear was recovering from a punch in the face at the dentist and I saw Silent Evil on my own.

She set up a routine of exercises, like she normally does, which included squats in front of a soft ball. This ball was lower than the benches and plastic balls I had done squats in front of in the past. So it meant I had to really lean back and get my butt down there to touch it. Still, when I saw it, I thought 'I can do this!'

"Blimfy squats," she said.

"Twenty?" I asked, sure that was what she'd said.

"Thirty," she whispered.

"THIRTY?!?"

But it's pointless arguing with her. She just keeps talking quietly, looks you in the eye and, somehow, with her 100ish pounds, manages to look very, very scary.

Thirty squats it was.

We continued with the sequence of exercises, then she gave me a two minute break. Then we started again.

I don't know why I thought it would be different on the second round. But I did. But - Nope! - thirty squats.

By twenty I had to rest. On number 26 I barely made it back up to a standing position.

And then she started me on a third round of the sequence. Through my tired and sweaty fog, I begain to realize what this meant - ninety squats during the course of this workout.

On the last set, number 20 nearly got me. I leaned sideways and remembered to tighten my core just in time. The last ten took, it seemed, forever.

But I got through them!

On the way home, I began to think about the whole workout, and realized that, if you count the ten warmup squats we do, that made for a nice round number.

Fluffy Bear opened the front door to me as I - slowly - climbed the steps to our front porch.

"ONE HUNDRED SQUATS!" I yelled at him.

"ONE HUNDRED!"

He made me a cup of tea. Cures anything, a cup of tea.

Health is Wealth - Divide and Conquer

Silent Evil launched a new tactic the other day. She pitted us against each other.

You might not see it that way. You might think that, really, what she did was quite sweet. You might think it offered us the chance to show our love for each other.

But you'd be wrong.

Because no matter how hard you try, when you are exhausted and trying to hold the plank pose, a second seems like an hour.

Why is this relevant?

Because, apart from the lunges and the squats and the dumbell lifts and the weight-ball lifts and the press ups and the pull-downs and the walking with heavy weights, Silent Evil put us in a position where each of us could contribute to the length of the others' pain.

She put one of us on a weight machine where you do pull-ups. She made the other hold a plank pose on the floor for as long as the first took to do ten pull-ups.

I tried to make light of it by telling Fluffy Bear that I'd go faster if he promised me jewellery, but he was too tired and sweaty and hurting to respond.

My ten pull-ups felt like seconds. His ten pull-ups, as I held plank, felt like hours.

We didn't talk to each other much in the car on the way home.

She really is evil.

He said She said - Brown paper packages

"Honey," he said, "another package has arrived for you."

"Oh good! My shoes!" she shrieked.

"Um, Honey?" he ventured.

"Yes?"

"How many things have you bought?"

"What are you talking about?" she bristled.

"Well, there seem to be a lot of packages arriving..." his voice faded away as he saw her face contort. Here it comes, he thought...

"Listen!" she half-said, half-yelled. "You told me to buy something for myself. So here's what happened. First I bought myself a few T-shirts from Threadless, on sale. They you said-" she put on a high voice- "that I should buy myself something bigger. And it suddenly came out that you bought a $300 Kindle. SO. I went online and got some books from Amazon. Then I went online and bought some new trainers cos we are working out a lot and mine are shot to hell. But then they came, and they were the wrong size. So I sent them back. Then, because I had bought books on Amazon, I got an email about a sale at a partner shoe shop. So I bought some flat shoes. Then, because I had bought in the Threadless sale, they sent me an email to say that the sale was extended and there were new designs. So I bought a few more T-shirts and, remember, I also bought you one. Then I got my refund from the trainers and so went online an ordered the right size and then thought, while I was there, I might as well get some walking shoes for when we walk Puppy Dog because my trainers keep getting muddy. So I ordered those too. And they didn't even have the trainers in the color I wanted in the size I wanted so I had to go with my second choice and when I went to training yesterday with Silent Evil and she had been to Nordstrom and got the same trainers as me but in the color I wanted and I hadn't even let myself go to Nordstrom because I spend too much money when I go there but I guess I should've because they had what I really wanted so I'm really pissed off SO DO YOU REALLY WANT TO START THIS NOW!?!?!"

"Can I make you a cup of tea, Honey?" he said.

To read more in this series, click here.

Hell is other people - Scope dope

Hell is other people who, in the first milestone meeting for a project, decide they'd like to completely change the scope yet keep the same delivery dates.

Then they piss off on holiday for two weeks.

Hell is other management people.

That's Life - What price love?

Someone we know had a relationship with a woman. I don't know what the reasons were, but they decided to end it.

A few months later, some obscure aunt dies and she inherits ten million dollars.

He gets an email from her, from some exotic place where she's on vacation. She tells him she was looking up at the stars and thinking of him and of how good he had been to her. She tells him she is reliving their happy times in her mind. She tells him she was thinking how she'd like to somehow tell him, show him, how important his love and kindness had been to her.

"I thought maybe I should send you $100,000" she wrote, "but then I realized -
that would just cheapen what we had."

It's the little things - Kitty come home

BFF has two cats that she adores.

A year or so ago, moved house and, soon after, one of the kitties disappeared.

She was freaking out, crazy with worry, but refused to just give in. She made a kazillion Lost Cat posters and put them up all over the neighborhood.

She began to get calls from people, asking her if she was OK and whether she had found her cat yet. She had long conversations with total strangers about her love and her loss.

But then the all important call came. Someone had seen the cat hanging around in the bushes a few streets away and they had left food out for it.

BFF went to the spot and called for her cat. I think she had to go there more than once. She called and called and eventually cajoled her emaciated little baby out of the plants and back into her arms.

She was overjoyed and decided to let everyone know that the cat had come home. She went around to all her posters and put a "Found!" sign on them.

And then the local paper called.

A journalist was looking for a story that was good news, so BFF, the people who called her and the now famous cat ended up on the front page.

Sometimes there are happy endings!

Quote Unquote - Problem?

"First World problem"

What my friend H tells people when they blab on about a minor issue that would only be considered a real problem in the first world, like bitching about your admin not booking exactly the travel plan you wanted.

Hello from Puppy Dog - Christmas is fun!

Hello Mama's friends!

I was lying on my cushion thinking about Christmas today. Christmas was so cool!

I snowed and snowed and snowed!

Dada and Mama threw white balls for me. I would jump up and catch them in my mouth and they would disappear! Or, if I missed them, they would land on the white ground and vanish! They were evil magic... but fun!!!

There were a lot of good smells in the snow... I got to play Bloodhound and zig zag up the sidewalk smelling all sorts of things!

And I found a special Christmas present - a frozen rat! I got to play with it and bite it for about 1 minute before Mama and Dada went all Scrooge and made me stop.

Santa bought me lots and lots of treats and snacks and Mama and Dada were home all day, every day, for more than a week!

When is the next Christmas? Can we have it soon?