Wednesday
Aug262009
Diary of an Ex-employee - Day 113.0
Wednesday, August 26, 2009 at 3:08PM 
I tried to fight it off, but the disease has finally taken hold.
I have Unemployeditis.
The symptoms are clear:
- The last time I washed my hair was so longer ago, it has started to clean itself
- I have acne. All over. Yes, even near to there
- I can't sleep at night
- I can't get up in the morning
- I have run out of stuff to watch on the DVR and have now added America's Got Talent to the queue. I am also seriously considering following Hollywood House Husbands
- My nailpolish line is approximately a quarter inch from my cuticle and bits have flaked off the ends of my nails. On the plus side, if you screw your eyes up and look at them sideways, they look like modern art
- The couch has an indent of my ass in the middle cushion
- My dog gets separation anxiety when I get up to go to the toilet
- I can feel the breeze blowing through the hairs on my legs
- I consider watering the garden a stimulating diversion
- I read tech Twitter updates and don't remember what the TLAs stand for
- I play hide and seek with the dog
- I drink 5 cups of tea a day - the coffee shop soy latte now has the same treat status as an double cone from a boutique ice cream shop
- Retired neighbors in a radius of 3 blocks say hello to me by name
- If I leave my gym pass behind, I get let in because all the receptionists recognize me
- I have run out of friends to have lunch with
- I can't bear the thought of another networking event
I know what's coming next. The symptoms will get worse:
- Starting to watch Dr Phil on daytime TV
- Eating cold pizza for breakfast
- Scratching my privates in public
- Burping (belching) out loud
- Smoking roll ups
- Considering busking as a career
- Starting to edit my own music videos to clips of Real Housewives of Atlanta on youtube
- Breaking out Fluffy Bear's Guitar Hero
Man, I need a job.
And I know exactly the one I want.
Why don't theycall me? WAAAH!
Reader Comments (9)
If Dr. Phil appears on your TV, call me. I'll run right over and beat the shit out of you. Then at least you'll have a reason to sit around.
Ah yes, you can always depend on your friends for physical harm... Love ya, you nutter.
Damn! You do need a job. Do you actually have a talent that could be considered busking? Sometimes I think I could live like that, but probly not. No one truly wants to hear an un-heard-of 56 year old woman sing anything acapella, anywhere.
Don't watch Dr. Phil. The show 'The Doctors' is way better. But then, I watch daytime TV once in a blue moon, so what do I know? I think you just need to get your head into writing. You're funny & witty and, I think you could make a living at it.
Ah Liz, you are a rare gem.
Perhaps I could busk by standing on the corner and insulting people.
"What the fuck you wearing, lady? Fluorescent colors are meant for CONSTRUCTION SAFETY VESTS, not leggings!"
"How many lattes is THAT today, Tweaky?"
"Hey old man, you are such a cliche! No women look inside sports cars anymore because they know the drivers is going to have a wrinkly ass!"
"Your dog is ugly!"
"Yeah! Hell is other people! And by that I mean YOU!"
How long, do you think, before I get arrested.
OOH! Maybe that's how to make the money - do a betting pool of how long till the cops arrive....
You MUST do the Real Housewives of Atlanta on You Tube anyway... :)
I suffered from similar symptoms, but may I suggest, if there ever was an appropriate time to watch Dr. Phil, watch it TODAY. The show reinforces how you are more than your job along with job hunting tips (although I'm sure you and I both have heard them all). What got me out of my unemployed, depressed funk was realizing that my career or my job does not define me, my identity or purpose in life. I am more than that, and that gave me the motivation to do more than just sit on the couch in my robe and surf the net for job listings all day. Good luck!
Asbolut1331 you are fab-u-lo-so. I missed the Dr Phil episode. Damn.
Then again, there is something about the way that Dr Phil speaks that makes me want to kick him in the face with a high heel boot.
I mean, can you imagine that man talking to you while you have sex with him? There would have to be a gag.
Seriously.
Just wanted to tell you that I can sooo relate. I've just entered my 3rd month of unemployment.... I was job hunting so furiously at the beginning I was convinced I'd have a job in 2-3 weeks.. but as the days continue to pass I realize how ridiculous that thought was!
It seems that all unemployed people experience the same things.. just perhaps in a different order. I have been overeating, not sleeping well, not showering, living in my "pajamattire". And, your point about your dog actually made me laugh out loud because I myself, actually posted about my dog's insane neediness in my own unemployment blog. Here's a link to that entry: You Have Some Junk In Your Trunk
I wish you tons of luck in your job search. And feel free to check out my blog if you "have some free time" :-) Active Leisure Unemployment Blog
Hello Active Leisure!
I LOVE your doggy blog. Please see my ramblings and typing for my Puppy Dog here: www.puppydogdiaries.com
IBC