Divided by a Common Language - United by a Common Laziness

I felt better yesterday - like my cold was healing - so I did stuff.  It was a classic mistake - getting active before you've actually healed.  We all go back to work just that one day too early, right? 

And so today I feel as if a fallen angel with a scat fetish has taken a big dump on my soul.

Leave it to Fluffy Bear to cheer me up.  He told me that foreign guests in quarantined with Swine Flu - sorry, "A(H1N1) virus" - in the hotel in Hong Kong got gifts from their respective consulates.  

Because there was a guy who had a birthday, the French consulate sent Champagne, wine, food and even a French caterer to dish up something every day rather than have their citizens suffer the meals provided by the Hong Kong government Health Department.

By contrast: 

Other consulates have not had the budget to match France's treatment of its 14 nationals.

Dale Kreisher, a spokesman for the US consulate, said it had provided magazines and playing cards to the nine US citizens being held in quarantine.

The consulate was taking cash donations from staff so it could provide some "comfort foods" for those trapped.

A spokesman for the British Consul-General said they had provided fruit, magazines and books donated by consular staff to the 26 British nationals held in the hotel.

Reported on Yahoo News, Tuesday May 5, 2009

Yeap, you gotta hand it to the French.  They know the value of quality of life.  

Vive La France!

Divided by a Common Language - The Violin Case

 

Years ago I was on the tube, the Piccadilly Line from Heathrow into downtown London.

Knowing the trains are packed with tourists, the buskers love that line. Sure enough, about three stations out of Heathrow, a guy got on the train, announced that he'd be collecting any donations after his song, and started playing the violin.

Afterwards, he went around with a cap. An American tourist with me gave him 50p and then, after he went away, asked me if she'd given him enough.

I said yes, and that she didn't have to give anything if she didn't want to.

After all, I added, you can always tell the regular commuters, plugged into their iPods, books or newspapers open, conspicuously ignoring the little hat being waved in front of them.

She was relieved that she hadn't committed a tipping faux pas.

"It's just so different in New York," she said. "If we see a guy get on the train with a violin case, we duck!"

Divided by a Common Language - Eurovision 3

Eurovision Semi-final 2 Song Reviews

Here are my Eurovision song reviews for the songs which will be in the second semi-final. You can find the songs on YouTube or eurovision.tv.

My previous reviews are here. An explanation of what the feck Eurovision actually is is here.

I have included the scores of my dear friend, Everywhereventually, a Eurovision officionado. You can see his take on Eurovision and his reviews on the songs on his site, here. Check the blog archives on the right.

Croatia - Lijepa Tena
As soon as this song started I thought I was in a Greek or Italian restaurant and someone had put on a CD for ambience. The song is not in either of those languages, of course, it just has that restaurant-CD feel. The man and woman singing didn’t harmonize very well in the version I saw – hopefully they do better on the night. Then they both started warbling. Spare me.
Score: 3/10
EE score: 33/100

Ireland – Et cetera
All woman band in an 80s look with black shirt-dresses and pink glitter lycra leggings. Oh yes, this is what I’m talking about. Cheesy. Silly. Catchy. Pop so shallow an ant couldn’t drown in it. Perfect.
Score: 8/10
EE score: 32/100

Latvia – Sastrēgums
90s rock/pop/indie/whatever. The band seems to be taking themselves far too damn seriously. This poprock song is completely unmemorable, despite the band’s efforts to shout certain words annoyingly. Not in English, which won’t help their score. Whatever.
Score: 3/10
EE score: 31/100

Serbia – Cipela
The song opens with some killer accordion playing, which is then somewhat strangely followed by a middle aged white man with a beard and a strange red afro singing a-la-Topol in Fiddler on the Roof. The great accordion is let down by a horrible synthetic beat and this awful raspy singing. Then a very pretty blonde dances on and is dipped by big hair guy and blows him a kiss. Yeah, dude, AS IF.
Score: 3/10
EE score: 10/100

Poland – I don’t Wanna Leave
A lovely voice catches the attention immediately. A pretty girl, a power ballad. Nice, but not interesting enough to win.
Score: 7/10
EE score: 34/100

Norway – Fairytale
Norway is never boring. But one is never sure exactly what Norwegian culture is as each year that I have seen them they seem to show the essence of another country. Here we have what looks like Russian dancers and a fresh-faced boy who plays the fiddle and sings. He sings and plays rather well and the song is simple, but satisfactory. Actually, this isn’t too bad. The kind of song you’d clap along to and is benign enough to be played on an Easy Listening station.
Score: 8/10
EE score: 84/100

Cyprus – Firefly
Pretty young woman, conservatively dressed, singing sweetly. I thought for a moment that this was building into something interesting, but it turned out to be another song that could be in a Disney animated movie. I kept visualizing an animated firefly hopping across a pond. Someone else could take this song and do a complete makeover with it and perhaps have a hit. But not this band.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 52/100

Slovakia – Let T’mou
A ballad in a foreign language sung by a pretty girl. Then some slimy guy with too much hair gel comes on and they don’t harmonize. Shitakia.
Score: 2/10
EE score: 18/100

Denmark – Believe Again
Yum. Cute lead singer. Cute band. Cute song. Wakey wakey girlie bijingoes! The song isn’t quite catchy enough but it’s good eye candy without infantile boy band dance moves.
Score: 8/10
EE score: 42/100

Slovenia – Love Symphony
Nice staging – the performers each behind their own white screen, backlit, so you see them as shadows playing their instruments. But then the four violinists reach up and pull down their own white screens – tacky that they couldn’t come up with something automatic – and a Hooked on Classics beat comes in. Then the lead singer starts to sing a bit from behind her screen. Oh! I get it. The violinists and cellist are the main players – she’s a token vocal! All she sings is “Feeling free in this love symphony” and a few other lines I couldn’t discern because she was shrieking. Oh wait, she’s torn down her screen now. Hmmmm. Whatever.
Score: 5/10
EE score: 53/100

Hungary – Dance with Me
OK this song is far too good to be a Eurovision song. This should be a REAL song on an album. Disco beat. Cute guy. Fun. I like it. It will play in clubs, for sure.
Score: 10/10
EE score: 67/100

Azerbaijan – Always
Pop song with ethnic under-beat. Not as good as Turkey’s Dum Tek Tek but not bad. Chorus is catchy. Another one that will play in Ibizan clubs over the summer.
Score: 9/10
EE score: 68/100

Greece – This is our Night
Dance beat, cute guy thrusting his hips. Promising, but the chorus doesn’t deliver. There are other countries doing the same thing better.
Score: 7/10
EE score: 86/100

Lithuania – Love
Melodic piano opens the song. Cute guy, cute hat, plays and sings. Chorus isn’t bad but Elton John he aint. This is the kind of boy, kind of song, you want to take home to Mom. Up to you to judge if that is a good or bad thing.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 64/100

Moldova - Hora Din Moldova
Having the name of the country in the song title doesn’t auger well. Starts with a woman quasi-yodelling and pan flutes. Then the Baltic beat comes in. Lots of Hey-Heys and dancing in lines kicking. Oh dear. I’m back in the Greek restaurant again.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 92/100

Albania – Carry me in your Dreams
Ooh! Good beat to start. Oh dear, here comes the cheesy pop synth beat. There is nothing wrong with shallow pop if it is well done. This isn’t.
Score: 5/10
EE score: 90/100

Ukraine – Be my Valentine (anti-crisis girl)
This woman is just…. Well... scary.
More badly written English lyrics: On my pride and prejudice/I will just reminisce/These are the things you can’t miss/Come on give me a kiss.
She keeps ending every line with "BOM" and when she precedes it with "you are sexy" it sounds like “You are sexy bum.” Flashbacks to the Cheeky Girls! AAARGH!
I don’t know how or why but the beat, the melody, the song just somehow ends up being farce instead of fun.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 95/100

Estonia – Randajad
This reminds me of those sexy classical girls like Vanessa Mae. There is something dark and elegant and sensual about this one, but not in slutty way.
The lead singer is stunningly beautiful and her hair would make the average Goth girl want to cry. Long, black, straight with a 100% symmetrical fringe across her ivory skinned face.
If she can sing in English we may see her getting a mainstream recording contract. This is a very refreshing entry, but I don’t think it is a contender for the top spot.
Score: 9/10
EE score: 81/100

The Netherlands – Shine
This is what happened to Abba in a parallel universe. They got old and fat but kept singing, and their songs were OK but not really as catchy and fun and good as they used to be.
I know I am being ageist and a beauty Nazi but really, this is just a bit lame. It’s like your dad getting up to do Karaoke in public at your birthday party in front of all your friends. Ick.
Score: 4/10
EE score: 61/100

Divided by a Common Language - Eurovision 2

Eurovisions Semi-Final 1 Song Reviews

 

Here is my first pass at a Eurovision song review. You can find the songs on YouTube or eurovision.tv. If you want to know what the feck Eurovision is, check this post.

First I must tell you that I have scored these without reading Everywhereventually’s scores. I put them in afterwards. No doubt debate will follow.

Montenegro – Just Get out of my Life
Genre: Bubblegum
Performer: Bubblehead brunette
Strange dissonance between the elegant dress of the singer and lack of backup dancers while singing a poppity-pop song. You can tell she’d rather be doing a Celine Dion.
The key to a pop song is that the tune is catchy, sticks in your head and the lyrics are good, but simple enough to instantly allow you to sing along. This one isn’t actually that bad. They’ll lose on presentation though.
Score: 8/10

EE Score: 65/100

Czech Republic – Aven Romale
Genre: Ethnic with pop overlay
Performer: Group with traditional instruments and… well, read on.
I had to rewind this video on YouTube and watch it again. The group starts surrounding the singer. Two violinists and two guitarists, all dressed in black. Between them you see bright orange peeking through, and, as they part, there is a billowing of fabric. I expected a tall, statuesque brunette in a tasteful cocktail dress.
But no.
It’s a strange little man in an orange jumpsuit with a cape who then gets all hip hop before returning to a gypsy beat. His disturbing tiny triangle goatee gives him the face of an arch-nemesis, while his badly fitting clothes deliver a superhero from the neck down. It’s all very, very strange.
Score: Irrelevant. Too fecking weird.

EE Score: 1/100

Belgium – Copycat
Genre: Elvis
Elvis impersonator lead singer, doo wop backing singers with big pink hair, a guy on a double bass and a guy on vintage style electric guitar. In the background, some adorable animation. Fun, cute, upbeat and well executed. I am not sure if the voting audience will go for a fifties vibe, but I love it.
Score: 10/10

EE Score: 9/100

Belarus – Eyes that Never Lie
Genre: Rock
At first I thought this was going to be boring. Another rock song with noisy electric guitar proving that there are a few kinds of music that Europe simply cannot do better than the good ole U S of A. And then the lead singer comes out.
Platinum hair, hot off the hairdresser’s straightening tong press, whiter than white suit, a mile of smile and acres of ego.
The sleeves of the jacket have some kind of strange long stiff cuffs so he looks like he has coffee filters on his wrists.
Oh, God – jacket unzipped at the front half way to his navel… ick.
Considering the tyranny of beauty standards to which women are held, I choose to discriminate equally and so I feel completely justified in telling you that the singer has a slightly fat arse. Why the hell is he wearing white?
You will notice I am not talking about the song at all. That’s because it’s still playing and I’ve already completely forgotten it.
Score: 2/10

EE score" 40/100

Sweden – La Voix
Genre: Opera-pop. And yes, you’re right, there shouldn’t be such a thing.
What’s the name of that woman that sent a picture of herself naked to Sly Stallone and then married him? Well, whatever her name is, imagine her still young and with long stringy hair and you have the lead singer of this song.
Starting with a faux operatic warble, like you might find in a stage musical, the backing singers/dancers/eye candies part and there she is, in a strange black gown with feathers on her shoulders.
Oh God she’s gone back to warbling, only now over a bubblegum pop beat. It’s like a nightmare Hooked on Classics.
Let me tell you a secret darling, doing this kind of song doesn’t prove that you can do pop and opera – it just proves you’re crap at both.
Oh feck, I swear she just gargled.
Puppy dog is now barking in protest.
Verily, dear brethren, this sucks.
Score: NUL POINTS

EE score: 21/100

Armenia – Jan Jan
Genre: Ethnic pop
Starts with warbling which, after the last abomination, is not a good sign. But then some kind of local instrument and a good beat. First woman singer is a OK, then in comes the other one saying they are a team. Is this a repeat of Russia’s little gay girls of a few years ago?
Oh, no. They are sisters.
This song has a chance. It has the same kind of gypsy/ethnic/pop vibe that often wins. Good beat, but I don’t think the chorus is in English which will negatively impact memorability.
Oh dear. The sisters appear to be riffing and yelling “Jump it up with a Jan Jan!”
Hard to tell how this will do.
Score: 7/10

EE score: 67/100

Andorra – Get a Life
Genre:
Blonde with a messy hairstyle and short skirt holding a guitar. I am surprised she can keep her eyes open with all that black makeup.
Singing in a language other than English – that never helps you get votes.
This song sounds like something off an album by a singer from a girl band who has tried to break out on her own but her first single just isn’t good enough to stand out.
Yawn.
Score: 6/10

EE score: 32/100

Switzerland – the Highest Heights
Genre: Boy band
The right slightly messy hair, leather jackets, every band member wearing something in black, lolloping around the stage like boys in band do… they sure do look the part.
But the song is boring.
Blah.
Score: 6/10

EE score: 12/100

Turkey – Dum Tek Tek
Genre: EuroPop
This is perfection. This is what a Eurovision song should be – instantly catchy, a soupcon of the country it comes from (the title, an instrument warbling through the drums), fun, memorable lyrics that anyone could sing whether they are English speaking or not, sexy – but not slutty – singer.
Stunning
Score: 10/10

EE score: 72/100

Israel – There must be another way
Genre: Easy listening
I’ve looked this up on Google and it seems that one singer, Noa, is a top Jewish recording artist, while Mira Awad is a Christian Arab singer and actress. The song is sung in English, Hebrew and Arabic.
This is the first time an Arab has represented Israel in the contest. Well, once they had had a transsexual, one could argue all doors were opened. However, at least Dana International was good. As much as I like the fact that a song with this title and these symbolic performers has got through for Israel, I doubt the world will see the message because it just isn’t good enough to get through to the final. Then again, it might get through purely as a political ploy so the message can get out there. We all know that peace between Israel and Palestine would make a large contribution to peace for us all.
The woman wrote the song. Genius women– getting on a major public stage with a message of peace.
On a lighter note, I have no idea who dressed these women but that person should be shot for the good of mankind.
Score (non-political): 6/10

EE score: 26/100

Bulgaria – Illusion
Genre: Excrement
Fresh-faced boy singer who, inexplicably, is wearing chainmail. It’s like a bad, noisy Pet Shop Boys song. The various vocals don’t gel together, the lyrics are indiscernible, the tune is tedious, the boy singer keeps warbling like a castrato with only one ball cut off. Just, well, crap.
Score: 4/10

EE score: 7/100

Iceland – Is it true?
Genre: Pop Ballad
Pretty blonde girl who sings well. A nice enough song, Cherryl Crow or Carly Simon style. Nice enough. Not fun though.
Score: 7/10

EE score: 14/100

FYR Macedonia - Neshto Shto Ke Ostane
Genre: Rock
A few years ago a glam rock band dressed like Orks won. Since then at least a few countries try going this route. Jon Bon Jovi 80s hair, jeans, shirt untucked, waistcoat… you get the idea.
Not singing in English – a minus. Boring rock.
Score: 6/10

EE score: 55/100

Romania - The Balkan girls
Europop crap with over-make-upped bimbosluts. Lyrics excerpt:
The Balkan girls, they like to party
Like nobody, like nobody
(the groovy light, we'll shine all night)
My hips are ready to glow
This record is so hot and I have so much to show
I'll find a boy for a kiss
Who knows, maybe he'll be my prince.
Score: 4/10
EE score: 74/100

Finland – Lose Control
White boys shouldn’t rap unless they are White Trash and especially not if they aren’t first language English speakers. The female singers were amateurish. Even having people behind them twirling fire batons couldn’t make this interesting. No catchy tune. Lame lyrics. Bad singers. Crap.
Score: 2/10
EE score: 48/100

Portugal: Todas as Ruas do Amor
A rather sturdy woman with strange bits of red stuff plaited into her hair with an acoustic band behind her sings a very boring song in Portugese. Clearly all you have to do to give this woman a great date is take her to MacDonalds, because she dances as if the song she is singing actually has a fun beat and melody. It obviously doesn’t take much to please her.
Score: 2/10
EE score: 54/100

Malta – What if we
A nice song which you might hear on a Broadway stage or as a background to a Disney animated movie. It even has the inspirational lyrics: “There will be a star, no matter how far, shining…” The woman who sings it is good, but the song is no fun at all. I keep waiting for a small, cute, fluffy, animated dog to appear, training in Kung Fu.
Score: 5/10
EE score: 32/100

Bosnia & Herzegovina – Bistra Voda
Pale little boy with bad hair dressed in a coat he stole from Adam Ant. Actually, the arrangement and melody of this song are growing on me. But, sadly, it’s like foreplay that doesn’t lead to climax and, eventually, gets less and less exciting. There seems to be a military motif which, considering the country’s recent history, may indicate that the song is steeped in meaning. However, as it isn’t sung in English, I’ll never know, and neither will the people who vote on the night.
Score: 6/10
EE score: 13/100

Divided by a Common Language - On-screen Cliches

 

Are they based on tradition, are they grounded in truth, or are they just examples of bad screenwriting?

Whatever they are, having grown up on US sitcoms and Hollywood movies, I tend to get tired of:

• The notion that a woman has dreamed of her wedding day since she was a kid


• The relationship break-up in a public place


• The nightmare family reunion over a public holiday


• The older, sassy, sexual grandmother/aunt (because we all know a woman daring to be sexual after 30 must be the object of hilarity)


• The fat friend - confidant,but never competition


• Making bridesmaids wear hideous dresses


• Losing your virginity at Prom

And in case you think I'm being anti-American, here are some British on-screen cliches you may recognize:

• Love accross class lines


• Gender-bending


• Keeping tight lipped when communication would solve all problems


• Misunderstandings and near-misses, farce


• Looking down on foreigners


• The English person who talks loudly and slowly at the non-English speaker

Are these things a hyperbole of who we really are?

I hope not...

Divided by a Common Language - Eurovision

This post is inspired by the Eurovision officionado, Everywhereventually. I have linked to one of his Eurovision posts here... Seek the others out too. You really should read his posts on this... And stay tuned because I know him and I know there'll be more...

Living in America now, Fluffy Bear and I have tried to explain the Eurovision Song Contest on various occassions, always failing to convey the tacky, xenophobic delight that constitutes this yearly competition.

But here I am, trying yet again.

• First, you need to understand that Europe is a collection of small countries that enjoy differing from each other. Sure, we have the EU, but don't be fooled. Language varies, culture varies and there is a long, long history of wars that lingers in the collective psyche


• Second, know that England considers themselves better than the rest of the countries. France probably does too. And Germany. And Russia. And... you get the point


• Third, the countries are supposed to submit a song that is written by a local and performed by a non-professional band. Occassionally you have big stars perform, or they may be big stars in their own country, but real singing mega stars would never take part because...


• Fourth, Eurovision is quintessentially uncool, which is a big part of it's charm


• Fifth, the borders of "Europe" seem to extend every year. Suddenly Russia is included, for instance


• Sixth, most countries take it very, very seriously. The rivalry can be as intense as the Olympics


• Last but not least, England seems to take a very different attitude to the competition to the other countries. We enjoy the tackiness and really see it as a chance to take the piss out of the other countries. It's kindof like a holiday to Vegas. You aren't going there for a highbrow, cultured time. You're going so you can bitch about how awful it all is, dress badly, behave badly, wallow in kitsch.

See Eurovision in action

If you want to see the Eurovision songs, go to their official website here, or just search in YouTube on the country name, "Eurovision" and the year to see a video of the horror.

How Eurovision works officially

Each country submits a song. There are so many countries participating now that there are semi-finals where the crappier ones are weeded out. This is a pity, because this means the absolutely horrific hilarity is excluded from the Final.

Some countries qualify for the Final automatically, such as the country that won the previous year.

The country that wins hosts the next competition. One of the Eurovision legends is about how Ireland kept winning, how it cost them a bunch to host and so they put an an entry that was so godawful that they had to lose. And they keep this tradition up. See the link under "Insane" below.

At the end of the competition, people in each country call in to vote for the song they liked the most. They cannot vote for their own country.

The votes are tallied and then the hosts link to random presenters in each country who report the results of their country's vote. 12 points are given to the song voted for most, then 10, then 8, 7, 6 down to 1.

Again, since there are so many countries in it now, these regional presenters only report the top three scores these days.

The official languages of Eurovision are English and French, so all scores are said by the presenter in the voting country in one of the languages, then repeated by one of the host presenters in the other language.

As the scores are presented, the leader board is updated, till the winner is clear.

What really happens

The commentary

England's attitude to the Eurovision is summed up by the man who has done the voiceover for the competition for years and years and years and years, Terry Wogan. Terry is Irish, and makes hilarious, mean comments throughout the proceedings.
Examples:

"Doctor Death and the Tooth Fairy," – his take on the hosts of the 2001 contest
in Denmark.

"Who knows what hellish future lies ahead? … Actually, I do. I've
seen the rehearsals," - opening remark for the 2007 show in Finland.

See more quotes here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/dec/05/bbc-television

The songs

The songs are usually utterly dire. Some countries sing in their own language, and it is often the small countries who don't share their language with anyone else (like Greece) who do this. Seeing as your own country can't vote for you, singing a song which is incomprehensible to all others is not the smartest strategy. Of course, it does make the song that much funnier.

Songs and performances fall into one of the following categories:

• Bubble gum pop. This is usually staged with santily clad females jiggling their bits. The lyrics, if the song is done in English by a non-English speaking country, can be purile. e.g.

Today you think you are the winner, today you think you are the king
You make me sweat in my emotions under your fly-away, fly-away wing

• Cultural ditty. These are the best. Strange musical instruments, strange costumes, strange language, strange staging. Just strange. Example here.


• Opera. These people just don't get it. Eurovision is supposed to be fun. These songs never get any votes.


• Mourning ballad. Tedious


• Insane. These are just, well, crazy songs. Example: Ireland's turkey puppet

The scores

The tedium of scores being presented in two languages is epic. This is where consumption of alcohol comes into its own. See "Games", below.

The funny thing about the scores is how racist they are. You can basically predict which country will give which other country the full 12 points. The Baltic states stick together. Because Germany has a huge Turkish immigrant population, they vote for Turkey. France will NEVER give England anything, and vice-versa (The War, remember? And no, I don't mean Iraq).

To see a concrete example of this, look up who gave who the maximum of 12 points here.

The games

Watching Eurovision requires two things: 1) Friends 2) Alcohol.

The obvious game is to drink a drink inspired by each country as they perform. You may have to be a bit creative with your liquor cabinet.

The second game is to download the scoresheets from the official Eurovision website, and allocate the 12, 10, etc. points yourself. This creates great debate amongst friends, which escalates in proportion to alcohol consumption.

The winner

Nobody really cares who wins. Few Eurovision performers have had it launch their career... the notable exception is Abba. Some songs end up being played in European nightclubs over the summer, but that's about it.

It's really just a fun evening. Kinda like Miss Universe used to be before it became so Non-PC. I say do a Mr and Miss Universe combined and they're back in business but, hey, that's a whole 'nother post...