Depression and ECT 41: The Bully

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

Yesterday I had an incredibly unpleasant experience at yoga. No, more than unpleasant. Upsetting. Horrible.

I was going to a very busy yoga class. It's very popular, so there are a lot of people jostling for good spots in the studio, and I like the place near the windows. So the previous class lets out, and we all go in, mingling with the leaving students, putting our stuff into the cubby holes. As I turn from the cubbies, I bump into a woman's mat, which she is holding under her arm.

I immediately say I'm sorry.

"YOU NEED TO BACK OFF!" she snaps at me.

So I think I must have hurt her somehow, and I follow her over to the middle of the room, where she is setting up her yoga mat.

"I'm sorry if I hurt you," I say to her, with a purposely gentle voice.

"YOU HIT ME TWICE!" She's whisper-shouting.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't realize."

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M HERE FOR YOGA CLASS!"

"Well," I said, "putting on a really gentle voice, "I'm sorry,"

It's impossible to communicate the aggression and negative energy in her voice and demeanor

There were some acquaintances in the leaving class that I needed to say hello to, so I kept my cool while I greeted them, but I was starting to fall apart. Once they had left I walked to a quiet place in the stairwell, and by this stage I was sobbing. I called Fluffy Bear but he didn't answer.

I just don't think someone with clinical depression can handle a confrontation like that, especially when it's completely unsolicited and one sided.

I pulled myself together and made myself go back to the studio, but I tears were dripping down my face for at least the first third of the class.

At the end of the class, I stayed at my mat, hoping to avoid her as I left, but then saw her talking to the yoga teacher, so I started to move to put my props back and clean my mat. A woman I've spoken to a few times at the studio came up to me and said "Do you need a hug?" which of course made me start crying again. I told her no, it would make things worse, but thanked her.

I drove home crying and basically did not calm down until Fluffy Bear had hugged me for a long time.

Yoga has become a big part of my life. And I have started to talk to people at the studio and become a regular. I feel like that woman ruined my safe place.

And yes, I get that she obviously has some kind of mental issues, like I do, and that I shouldn't take on her crap. It's hers, not mine. But that doesn't make me feel any more safe or less upset.

I'm anxious about going back to the studio and I'm anxious about seeing her again.

I expected her to realize her mistake and come and apologize to me at the end of class. The fact that she didn't makes me think that she has a seriously twisted perception and I'm wondering if she is a bully. That's all I fucking need right now.