Depression and ECT 42: Meditation and the Squirrel

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

I haven't been sleeping that well lately, in spite of having prescription drugs to help me. I struggled to fall asleep last night, and my dreams in the morning are strange and seem to wake me up. I think I might have a natural body clock to wake at 6am, even though my alarm is set for 6:30. Or maybe the dogs start moving around because they want breakfast and wake me.

Whatever it is, I woke this morning not feeling rested and actually WANTING to have a longer meditation.

So I set my timer for twenty minutes and lit my little scented candle and settled in.

I started by checking in with my feelings. What was I feeling and why?

It's amazing how many layers you can find of things that are bubbling away in your mind, like a big pot of Irish stew.

When I felt I'd identified most of the emotional stuff going on, I started focussing on the breath and counting - in for a count of three, out for a count of three. For some reason, at the top and the bottom of the breath, my brain said "San-gee-ta." WTH? I know it's a name, but I have no idea why it was in my head and why I was using it as a rhythmn. Apparently the name means "Musical." I just looked it up.

Eventually I wanted to hold at the top and bottom of the breath for longer so counted three in each case, and was able to let go of repeating Sangeeta.

I was just getting into a real sense of flow when my timer went off.

And so today is officially the first day that mediation felt easier, and that I felt I could do it for longer. And I feel really good after doing it.

Positive milestone.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I want to buy some Orange and Lemon essential oils to put in my shower so I can breathe them in and be energized in the morning, and hopefully I can banish the feelings of dread and the desire to simply crawl back into bed and get to work each morning feeling good.

My psychiatrist gave me the option of not doing ECT this week, and I'm going to give it a try. Fluffy Bear encouraged me to skip the treatment - he says he wants to see how I am without it. So we'll see how it goes.

I found out yesterday that my cousin calls his psychiatrist the Squirrel, because he's someone who collects nuts. Love it.