Did I say that out loud? - Bar Brawl

 

We were watching the World Cup at a British pub.  People were going out the back Emergency Exit to have cigarettes, and were propping the door open with a block of wood.  Being an emergency exit, it locked automatically and you couldn't get in from outside.

I saw a Server go up to the door and close it because, obviously, it's against fire rules to prop an Emergency Exit open, and the pub could get into trouble.

Then I get a call on my cellphone.  It's far too noisy to take it in the pub, so I head outside.

Now, here's the thing with those doors that close automatically.  If you close them veeeeeeery gently, they don't actually click closed, but they look closed.  I went out and did my little trick with the door.

Then I see a guy outside on his cellphone.

"Did you just close the door?" he snaps at me.

"No," I said and, demonstrating my devastatingly brilliant trick, pull the door slightly to show that it is, indeed, open.

"This door closes automatically!" he snaps at me.  "We have to prop it open!  You see this block of wood here?  We need to prop it open with this block of wood!"

Just writing the dialog doesn't convey how patronizing his tone was.  

I ignored it, and let him prop open the door while I attended to my call.

Next thing, a male Server comes out.  He sees me first, and starts admonishing me for propping open the door.

I can play the submissive female to keep life simple when I have to, but I only have a certain amount of tolerance for it.

"Look," I said, "it wasn't me.  HE propped the door open.  And I just got shat on my HIM, and now I'm getting shat on by YOU and I can only stand to be shat on by one man a day!

By this time Mr-Prop-It-Open has come up to join the conversation.

"I didn't shit on you!" he protested.  "I was just trying to be safe."

The stupidity of him advocating safety as an excuse to break a fire rule wasn't lost on me, but I have learnt to make rapid calculations in my mind these days: 

How dumb is this person on a scale of 1-10?

How complicated is this issue to explain, on a scale of 1-10?

How much do I not give a shit to bother explaining this, on a scale of 1-10?

If the combined score is >15, I don't bother.  There's no ROI for my time and mental energy.

I didn't have a problem with the Server.  He was doing his job, and I had a chat with him afterwards to explain that I was not irritated with him.

But Guy No. 1 was getting on my tits.

I turned to him, to deliver my final, acid, soap-opera-worthy blow.  In my head, I could hear a movie soundtrack of violins.

I turned to the little shit and turned on my strongest, poshest English accent, and added a hint of spitting cobra:

 "I seem to have given you the wrong impression.  I.  Am.  Not.  STUPID."

I pranced off into the pub, as the violins screeched to a resounding crescendo.

And that, my dears, is how stupid alcohol makes you.

Tell your children.

 To see more in the Did I Say That Out Loud series, click here.