Depression and ECT 38: Pointlessness and the day I couldn't go to work

I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

To start the Depression series at the beginning, click here: http://ittybittycrazy.squarespace.com/imported-data/2013/12/29/depression-1.html
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Another symptom is back: the feeling of pointlessness.

My work colleagues seem banal, my work projects seem petty, my life seems inconsequential.

Who really cares if we improve the process for some tedious internal task at the office?

Who cares if we set bonus goals for the year? Isn't it all just a game, anyway?

Who cares if we go out to dinner on Saturday as a group with friends? So what? The same jokes, the same conversation.

I felt this way all of yesterday. I dived into work as a distraction, but without any faith in any of my actions having any significance.

I'm not going to work today. I supposed I could have gone if I had got my internal cheerleader or my internal drill Sargeant to get me going. But, frankly, as I sit here typing this, having decided to stay home, I'm actually starting to feel worse... tearful.

I was very concerned yesterday when the feeling of pointlessness surfaced. Yet another symptom rearing its ugly head. Do I need to have ECT every week to control my depression? Unfortunately that's not possible. But, as we taper off treatments, more and more symptoms come back, like old roommates you thought you'd got rid of, knocking at the door with their bags in hand.

This is the thing about depression that I think a lot of people don't understand. It's very difficult to employ a positive attitude or motivate yourself when there's an undeniable FEELING. It's like telling someone to put their ski gear on and head for the slopes for a long cross-country trail when they feel incredibly hot. They feel hot. They just do. How can they put a bunch of gear on? How can they face a long trail that's going to make them sweat even more?

You feel what you feel with depression. To some extent, you can control what you THINK, but you feel what you feel.

I feel what I feel.

And I feel like crap.

So I'm going to spend the day in front of TV knitting and go to yoga this afternoon. And that's it. That's all I can handle.