Right, children! Sit up nicely, hands on desks, chin up, shoulders back.
Here we go...
Lesson No. 1
Say "New."
NEW.
Good. Now say "Clear."
CLEAR.
Right. Now say it like you are being rude and making fun of a Southerner. "Klee-ah."
KLEE-AH.
Good. Now put it all together with the emphasis on "New". "New-klee-ah"
NEW-KLEE-AH. NEW-KLEE-AH. NEW-KLEE-AH.
That's correct! Not "Nucular" but "Nuclear!"
Well done!
Lesson No. 2
Say "Norm," like our favorite character in Cheers.
NORM.
Good. Now say "Al" like our favorite Earth Warrior, Al Gore.
AL.
Right. Now say "Itty" like your favorite bitch, Ittybittycrazy.
ITTY.
Good. Now put it all together with the emphasis on "Al". "Norm-al-itty."
NORM-AL-ITTY. NORM-AL-ITTY. NORM-AL-ITTY.
That's correct! Not "Normalcy" but "Normality!"
Well done!
Lesson No. 3
Say "Herbert," like your uncle Herbert.
HERBERT.
Good. Now say "Herbie" like our favourite racing VW Bug.
HERBIE.
Right. Now say "Herb" like you're all grown up and can address your uncle by a nickname without seeming cheeky.
HERB.
That's right! Not "Erb" but "Herb."
Now let's use it in a sentence. "Cilantro is a Herb."
CILANTRO IS A HERB. CILANTRO IS A HERB. CILANTRO IS A HERB.
(Well, actually, it's Coriander, but let's not split hairs.)
Well done!
That concludes our lesson for today.
Keep trying it out at home, children. Practise makes perfect!
Comments to this post have been interesting... both from readers who post their feedback on the site, and those who have emailed me.
I guess I was expecting the typical British reaction... when someone takes the piss (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=taking+the+piss) out of you, you take the piss out of them right back.
I guess I expected replies like:
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Dear British friend,
Thank you for your kind and informative lesson. We would like to share some information of our own with you.
To embed these in your mind, please write each sentence on the chalkboard 100 times.
1) Losing with dignity is still losing
2) Thank you, America, for Brad Pitt and George Clooney
3) I will never say "I really need a fag" in the USA (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fag)
4) If it wasn't for Uncle Sam, I'd be speaking German
5) Thank you, America, for great tasting fast food
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Friday, September 4, 2009 at 2:47PM 
Reader Comments (7)
It's nice that youi're channelling Joyce Grenfell.
Actually, cilantro is a herb and coriander is a spice. (leaf v seed)
My darling Kitchenmage, I know very well from your excellent tweets that you are an officionado in what Puppy Dog thinks of as "the food room" of the house. I am sure it won't surprise you at all to know that Fluffy Bear does most of the cooking at our house. I have the unique talent of being able to ruin the most foolproof recipe.
I also kill other people's goldfish. (If it doesn't make a noise, how do I know it needs to be fed?)
Kitchenmage, thank you so much for giving me some sh*t about this post.
I guess I was expecting the typical British reaction... when someone takes the piss (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=taking+the+piss) out of you, you take the piss out of them right back.
See Everywhereventually's comment. Joyce Grenfell is an English comic known for this routine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oom2EPuNPv8
I guess I expected replies like:
********************************************************
Dear British friend,
Thank you for your kind and informative lesson. We would like to share some information of our own with you.
To embed these in your mind, please write each sentence on the chalkboard 100 times.
1) Losing with dignity is still losing
2) Thank you, America, for Brad Pitt and George Clooney
3) I will never say "I really need a fag" in the USA (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fag)
4) If it wasn't for Uncle Sam, I'd be speaking German
5) Thank you, America, for great tasting fast food
********************************************************
Maybe we just all agree with you, or don't give a damn how you mispronounce 'erb;)
Sorry, kitchenMage, but coriander (Coriandrum sativum) and cilantro are of course the same plant, but the different folk names don't refer to different parts of the plant. The name cilantro is popularly used in the USA as it is the Spanish name for the herb.
Actually, 'Herb' and 'Spice' have no accurate definitions within the culinary sphere, certainly not leaf vs seed. In Botanical terms these things are much more precisely defined but that can become confusing as many common culinary herbs are not classified as herbs in Botanical terms, such as woody shrubs like Rosemary and trees such as Bay Laurel. In Medicinal terms you always use the full latin Botanical name plus the latin word referring to the part of the plant e.g root = radix, leaf = herba, flower = flos, seed = semen (yes, really, no giggling at the back). This is obviously essential for medicine but needlessly complicated for cookery.
However, most cooks are more relaxed, concerning themselves only with using the right bit of the plant and making things taste as yummy as possible.
Polar Bear - are you Everywhereventually's Polar Bear? Is that you, dear? Does this mean you are a convert to my nonsensical ramblings? How wonderful!!!
George Bush Junior actually brought new pronounciations of several words, one of my favourites being "nookilurr." I think also to be 100% British wouldn't you say, "coriander is AN herb (with H pronounced?) Don't forget some of my all-time loves I've discovered since moving to the UK: pah-ster (pasta), bahsil (instead of "bayzil") and in general any word ending in A getting an R attached. Although in New England they still do this. Also instead of saying "excuse me" politely when someone needs to pass you they shout "sorreh!" as they mow one down. Ah, I digress... I do agree with potential points 1 and 4 of the aforementioned Dear British Friend potential responses. Sorry, can't help it! This was a fun post!