I am Woman - Listen up, Single American Woman

 

Every single female in the USA should watch I'm with Lucy.  

This isn't a highbrow film.  It's not Oscar material.  But it's excellent education for any woman who is dating and wants to find the right man.

[Spoiler alert!]

Basically, Lucy has a very bad breakup, then dates 5 different men.  

We know early on that she is going to get married, and we flash back to fragments of the dating, trying to guess which one she will end up with.

But here's why I think it's important.

This film details the compromise that most women have to make if she choose monogamous, heterosexual commitment.

Yes, yes.  I know you will tell me that your man is different.  He doesn't fit into one of these categories.  He's got A and B and C and there's nothing else you would want, bla bla bla. 

Well, my dear, pat yourself on the back.  You're in the special 5%.

The rest of us have a choice to make.

Lucy's choices are the archetypes most of us, as women in America, have to choose between:

Man No. 1: Sweet, loving, sees you as an equal.  Not afraid to make an ass of himself, and you laugh a lot together.  He shows you new things, hobbies, but nothing too out there.  He tries hard to please you and genuinely loves you.   Your backgrounds are similar and so you have a common understanding.  Sex will be nice, even good.  Your family will like him.  You'll be comfortable, but not rich.  If there are any ups and downs, they're on an old-style wooden rollercoaster, not one of those newfangled ones with the flashing lights.  Everything will be ok.

Man No. 2: Sensitive and sweet, this man will worship you.  He's not afraid to cry, and not afraid to give his whole heart.  Sex will be soft and sensuous, and he will be generous.  He may even have a fetish or two.  Intelligent and very well read, this man will have a very large book collection and not be particularly sporty.  You'll never have screaming fights - you'll talk through things, sometimes ad nauseum.  Not much passion, but a lot of tenderness.

Man No. 3: Great sex.  Very different world view from you.  Amazing sex.  Opens your heart to art, or music, or theater.  Experimental sex.  Not much else in common.  Mind-blowing sex.  Not much conversation.  He may very well like to have sex with people other than you.  Still, when he comes home, it's incredible sex.

Man No. 4: A manly man.  There will be body hair.  Will make you feel safe, and feminine.  He's into sports, beer, rock music.  Innate sexism and probably other -isms.  Conversation will only go so deep.  Vivacious, virile, if vanilla, sex - assuming he hasn't pissed you off that day, of course.  Will expect you to breed.  Good, if conservative, father.  Your daughter will probably rebel and be a goth.

Man No. 5: Mmmmm, a charmer.  Intelligent.  Educated.  Good family - your mother in law will probably be a bitch.  Works hard.  Makes good money.  You'll be sitting pretty.  Maybe you won't even have to work.  He'll be in damn good shape, and you better stay in shape too.  Luckily he can pay for plastic surgery.  Seeing as he's paying for everything, you better play ball.  Subconscious sexism.  You need to be the proverbial whore in the bedroom (clad in Victoria's Secret), chef in the kitchen (cooking a la Julia Child), maid in the living room (or at least know how to hire and direct cleaning staff), perfect hostess in the dining room (knowing Emily Post by heart), and model mama on the playground (clad in Lulu Lemon).  One slip up and there'll be a younger model waiting in line to replace you.  Try to marry without a prenup.

I've spoiled enough of the movie without telling you which one Lucy chooses.  

I find the American dating ritual - where you keep your options open by seeing several people at once, like you are house-hunting or something - bizarre.  Checklists, rules.  

Loosen up, girls!

The point is, as my mother used to say, "Marriage is compromise."  

And so is finding someone to marry in the first place.

So which man are you dating, Single American Woman, that you have disqualified because he only rated 8 out of 10?

Lucy actually says, at the end of the film, she's hasn't found the perfect man - she's found the right man.

Comments

[Liz C.]

This made me spew coffee all over my brand new monitor! I just love Monica Potter so I can't believe I haven't seen this movie. I'm going to rent it today. Since it's still raining, I have nothing better to do except clean, which I don't want to do today.

Having been married 32 years to the same man, I can agree with your mother and say that she was right. Marriage is a compromise, which many women these days just can't do. Thinking back over the years, I can honestly say that I've watched my own husband go through innumerable stages, including many of the personality traits of each of the examples you gave. I now look at marriage as more of a *process*, as it were. We've both gone through our *arrogance of youth* stages, the I-don't-have-time-for-you- because-a-kid-has-to-be-somewhere stages, the doubting-we-have-anything-in-common stages, then comfortably settling into the hey-I-really-like-you-after-all stage.

Gloria Steinem didn't marry until she was something like 60 because she didn't want her life to be defined by her marriage to a man, ultimately forcing her to compromise her own personality in order to become his *better half*. Perhaps she's content with what life has given her, but she missed out on a lot of fun too. Life is full of little compromises and most of them involve either men or children. Sure, there have been times I've wanted to strangle my man and times that I wished he were a better father or a better husband, but the truth is that there is *something there* in our marriage that has always been there, from the start. Even though there were years we couldn't exactly find that *something*, we were at least able to find it again once the kids left home. Trust me, I had my doubts at times, as I'm sure he did too. And although he's always been a perfect gentleman in every way, he has his flaws, as do I. The fact is, we both married someone whose flaws we could live with.

I once read a book (I can't recall the name) that said in order to make a man love you, you must make him chase you. Otherwise, he will never think he has won a prize... you. The upshot of the book was that if you treat men like shit, they will follow you anywhere, which I think is total bunk! There is a lot of truth in that but it is really only *playing games*, which I've never subscribed to. I've always just laid myself out on the table, so to speak & it seems to have worked for me. So, there is something to be said about honesty in a marriage, with no preconceived conceptions about what constitutes a good marriage. It's different for everyone, as it should be.

That said, I think I'll buy a copy of the movie for our daughter... although she isn't currently dating anyone, she has certainly had at least 3 of the *types* as boyfriends in the past. And, as we all know, knowledge is power, right?

[Ittybittycrazy]

What wonderful feedback! Thank you.

I agree with absolutely everything you just said.

We grow and change as people and so our relationships have to do the same. How many friends have come and gone in our lives because
a) one or both didn't make enough effort to stay in touch
b) one or both just didn't want to do the same old things the friendship started around
c) the common bond (e.g. working at the same place) wasn't there anymore.

All the same principles apply to a marriage but you have to find a way around them if the relationship is to survive:
a) You have to keep making an effort. I am going to talk to Fluffy Bear right now about re-instating date night
b) If you don't go to Salsa lessons anymore, where you met, you need to find something else to do together, like golf (I know you love golf, Liz)
c) If the common bond was the children and they have moved on, time to find something else to talk about.

It's great to hear from someone who has navigated this successfully!

And that's what single people need to understand... if you can't compromise in the beginning, how are you going to get through that journey intact?

There's no way.

Interesting point about Gloria. Women needn't be like Gloria and wait till they're 60, but they should definitely live life a little before settling down.

When my brother met his wife, he had already been on a trip to Europe. Like it is for some Americans, a backpacking trip around Europe is a rite of passage for many South African kids. She was planning her trip when they met, and she considered cancelling because she was getting serious with my brother. He encouraged her to go, saying that, in years to come, if he was reminiscing about Europe and she hadn't been, it would be unfair and make her unhappy. So he did the most courageous thing with someone he loved - he let her go. When she got back, they got together again and have been happily married ever since.

You have to build your own memories, your own life, so that you have something to bring to the relationship.

Fluffy Bear has very different hobbies to me and, while I allow him the space to meet with his friends and go to events without me, being occasionally involved has exposed me to something new, something fun.

I hope your daughter enjoys the movie. Maybe you could watch it with her and tell her about the boyfriends you had who are like the characters in it, and why you didn't choose them and, if you are still in touch, where they are now.

And now, my dear, I encourage you to go over and give your partner a big, UNcompromising hug.

IBC