Hell is other people - Sometimes you just gotta boom
Wednesday, July 29, 2009 at 3:28PM 
It is hot today where I live. Very hot. Damn hot. Pizza oven hot. Searing fires of hell hot. Blazing branding-iron hot.
We are uncomfortable. We are sweaty. We are tetchy.
So I go out into the garden with my laptop to sit in the shade. Somewhere from across my back alley, from a house up the hill from mine, live the cliche - the Loud Americans.
Not all Americans are like this but, in Europe, we tend to unfairly stereotype those kinds of tourists who stand in the middle of a busy piazza, neck bedecked with massive camera, and yell "Isn't it just great, Herbert?"
Suffice to say, it's a type of person, irrespective of nationality - one who insists on talking at a volume inappropriate to the proximity of those around them - that I detest.
And just because you are in your own back yard, doesn't mean that consideration isn't necessary. We live in the city. The back yards are postage stamps. I can hear you flush your toilet. You can probably hear me fart.
So there I am, hot and bothered - and not in a good way - trying to literally and figuratively chill out.
And then I hear it.
Screeching little girl:"I won, Daddy, I won!"
Muffled conversation. That kind of conversation where you can't hear every word that is being said, but it's loud enough, and - in male base tones - deeply booming enough, to distract and annoy.
Screeching little girl:"I won, Daddy, I won!"
Continued muffled conversation.
Screeching little girl:"I won! Did you see? I WON!"
Continued muffled conversation.
Screeching little girl: "Daddy! DADDY! LOOK! I WON!"
Continued muffled conversation.
Screeching little girl: "I WON! I WON! I WON! DADDY! DADDY!"
Continued muffled conversation.
And now I shall let you in on a little secret. I studied Speech and Drama. In fact, when I was 11, I won a competition in my province for the best recital of a poem and got free Speech and Drama lessons. My parents kept them up and I did this as extra-curricular activity (outside of school - they were private lessons) from the age of 12 through to 18.
One of the things you learn in Speech and Drama is to project.
You imagine hitting the back wall of the theatre with your voice. It's not about shouting, it's about speaking normally and yet achieving a huge range at the same time. It's about allowing your mouth and throat to open up to create caverns which let the sound circulate, amplify and BOOM.
"Daddy," I boomed. "Please take a moment to tell your daughter that it's great that she won."
Pause....
"Good job, honey!"
"Thank you."
Silence.
Hell is other people.
Reader Comments (4)
Possibly your greatest post to date :)
We do try our best...
*snort*
Can you hear me now?
That is fucking awesome! As a parent of a 3 year old who will do that over and over again, who on occassion has to tell daddy to do the same thing, I thank you!