Health is Wealth - Gym + other people = less pain
Monday, November 16, 2009 at 11:59AM 
So the other day I am catching up on email and I have daytime TV on. Some doctor show is explaining a new liposuction technique, and this gets me thinking about my 1441 goal.
Puppy Girl has just gone to sleep in her crate and I head for the shower. Suddenly a crazy thought jumps into my head: Why not go to the gym for a short workout?
Before I can find a way to justify laziness (i.e. before my brain can fully engage), I am in the car and on my way.
As per usual, there are gymstractions that make the whole thing bearable.
I love watching other people at the gym. You can't feel the pain if you are constantly distracted by the strange goings-on around you.
First, there was the big nipple lady in the changing room. I know that it's not the done thing to look at other people naked in the changing room (unless, of course, you are gay, in which case who can blame you?), but I swear to God these nipples were yelling at me. If the woman had spoken to me, I would have struggled to look up into her eyes.
The woman in question was tall and thin, and no bigger than a B cup. But her nipples had dummies (pacifiers) hanging off the end of them. Are you detecting a note of jealousy? Yeah, you're spot on. Mine are like those tiny headache capsules.
I have only seen such deliciously suckable things on one other person, and she had the pale, soft, pendulous melons to go with them. It just seemed like a strange paradox, a skinny, flattish woman with this pink things sticking out and inch in front of her.
Anyway, after staring while trying not to look like I was staring, I finally got my trainers on and headed down to the machines.
First thing I saw, as I scanned the room, was a lady sitting on one of the reclining bikes in one of those padded winter coats, with the fur lined hood up. The gym felt like it had a perfect indoor temperature to me and, once I was moving on the eliptical for 2 minutes, I started to warm up. So why was this woman bundled up?
I began to wonder if she had a cold. If she did, she really shouldn't have been at the gym spreading her germs. I resolved to confront her if she sniffed or or sneezed. She did neither... and so robbed me of my Jerry Springer moment.
Bitch.
It wasn't long before more entertainment came along... the Chatty Cathy twins. I don't know why, but there is one personal trainer who just seems to have clients who won't shut up for more than thirty seconds at a time.
The last guy we saw her with was channeling James Joyce and going on and on with a personal monologue. These two women that she was training didn't even need her to nod and make mmm-hmm noises - they just talked to each other. They paused, chatting, as they got off the eliptical trainers, with the poor personal trainer trying to lead them to another area of the gym for their next exercise. Every transition to a new exercise took twice as long as it should, and the complaining! You would've thought they were being waterboarded.
Yak yak yakety yak.
I was sorry I hadn't brought my iPod.
When I got to the ab/stretching mats, I got my final bit of entertainment for the day. Another personal trainer had a brand new client, and he obviously had hip problems. The trainer was having him roll back and forth on a hard foam roller to massage his muscles with his own body weight. He was biting his lip in pain, poor man.
"Just one more roll, back and forth!" the trainer kept saying.
"Yeah, OK, that's - uh - powerful," he said, clearly relieved it was over.
"OK! GREAT!" the trainer squeaked. "Now the other side!"
I'm sure he was wondering why he was actually paying a small blonde woman to torture him.
But here's the point of all this...
I WENT TO THE GYM!
BY MYSELF!
WITH NO PERSONAL TRAINING APPOINTMENT!
OK, so I haven't been since, and that was last week, but it still counts, right?
Reader Comments (4)
You cracked me up with this post! Hey, I agree. At least you went. I always found the gym to *icky*. I need to exercise alone, which is probably why I never do it. ;-)
I have belly danced in front of the fitness channel before. It's actually pretty fun... Especially for Fluffy Bear, who peeks out from his office to watch me gyrate...
The only time I've ever set foot in a gym was when I was working at one (back office) when I was 18. I think I worked out twice while I was there, even though the membership was free for me. Oh, then I tried going to the YMCA to work out during my first marriage. That had disaster written all over it. At the time, I really didn't care, because I was young and fit and healthy.
Fast forward 20 years. I'm now 39, disabled, very unhealthy, very fat and can't afford a gym if my life depended on it (which it kinda does). I would kill for a personal trainer! Especially one like Jillian from Biggest Loser! *whistle, howl* :-)
Which brings me to a question: why on Earth would you be jealous of huge nipples? Is this something that men (or women) like in the UK? I'd be mortified if mine looked like the ones you described. I actually had a girlfriend once, who had nipples that looked so perfect and small ... until we were *ahem*, at which point they stood out a good inch from the rest of her breasts. I was actually revolted the first time I saw them, and did everything in my power to not ever see them again! LOL
@Shelli
I am sorry to hear about your situation re a personal trainer, etc.
We can't afford ours anymore since we were both laid off, but she laid a good foundation for telling us what to do. And, of course, appointments with her got us out of the house and down to the gym.
Do you have FIT TV? I used to do some of the exercises on there.
Depending on your disability, I have heard very good things about NIA classes.
Gym isn't for everyone. I have a friend who just prefers to go for a walk.
But the one good thing about gym is that observing others takes my mind off what I am doing. Hell is other people, but they can also be hilarious!