So the other day I am catching up on email and I have daytime TV on. Some doctor show is explaining a new liposuction technique, and this gets me thinking about my 1441 goal.
Puppy Girl has just gone to sleep in her crate and I head for the shower. Suddenly a crazy thought jumps into my head: Why not go to the gym for a short workout?
Before I can find a way to justify laziness (i.e. before my brain can fully engage), I am in the car and on my way.
As per usual, there are gymstractions that make the whole thing bearable.
I love watching other people at the gym. You can't feel the pain if you are constantly distracted by the strange goings-on around you.
First, there was the big nipple lady in the changing room. I know that it's not the done thing to look at other people naked in the changing room (unless, of course, you are gay, in which case who can blame you?), but I swear to God these nipples were yelling at me. If the woman had spoken to me, I would have struggled to look up into her eyes.
The woman in question was tall and thin, and no bigger than a B cup. But her nipples had dummies (pacifiers) hanging off the end of them. Are you detecting a note of jealousy? Yeah, you're spot on. Mine are like those tiny headache capsules.
I have only seen such deliciously suckable things on one other person, and she had the pale, soft, pendulous melons to go with them. It just seemed like a strange paradox, a skinny, flattish woman with this pink things sticking out and inch in front of her.
Anyway, after staring while trying not to look like I was staring, I finally got my trainers on and headed down to the machines.
First thing I saw, as I scanned the room, was a lady sitting on one of the reclining bikes in one of those padded winter coats, with the fur lined hood up. The gym felt like it had a perfect indoor temperature to me and, once I was moving on the eliptical for 2 minutes, I started to warm up. So why was this woman bundled up?
I began to wonder if she had a cold. If she did, she really shouldn't have been at the gym spreading her germs. I resolved to confront her if she sniffed or or sneezed. She did neither... and so robbed me of my Jerry Springer moment.
Bitch.
It wasn't long before more entertainment came along... the Chatty Cathy twins. I don't know why, but there is one personal trainer who just seems to have clients who won't shut up for more than thirty seconds at a time.
The last guy we saw her with was channeling James Joyce and going on and on with a personal monologue. These two women that she was training didn't even need her to nod and make mmm-hmm noises - they just talked to each other. They paused, chatting, as they got off the eliptical trainers, with the poor personal trainer trying to lead them to another area of the gym for their next exercise. Every transition to a new exercise took twice as long as it should, and the complaining! You would've thought they were being waterboarded.
Yak yak yakety yak.
I was sorry I hadn't brought my iPod.
When I got to the ab/stretching mats, I got my final bit of entertainment for the day. Another personal trainer had a brand new client, and he obviously had hip problems. The trainer was having him roll back and forth on a hard foam roller to massage his muscles with his own body weight. He was biting his lip in pain, poor man.
"Just one more roll, back and forth!" the trainer kept saying.
"Yeah, OK, that's - uh - powerful," he said, clearly relieved it was over.
"OK! GREAT!" the trainer squeaked. "Now the other side!"
I'm sure he was wondering why he was actually paying a small blonde woman to torture him.
But here's the point of all this...
I WENT TO THE GYM!
BY MYSELF!
WITH NO PERSONAL TRAINING APPOINTMENT!
OK, so I haven't been since, and that was last week, but it still counts, right?