Being a Doggy Mama - 7 Rules of Dog Park Etiquette

 

I've written about this stuff before.  

But, sadly, it seems that Fuckwits still abound, so I have no choice but to reiterate.

Here are the...

7 Rules of Dog Park Etiquette

1) NO SQUEAKY TOYS IN THE DOG PARK

I am happy for you that you buy your dog special squeaky toys.  Bully for you.  

Just don't bring them to the dog park because - guess what? - my dog doesn't know that the thing being thrown in the air that is emitting loud prey sounds is off-limits to him.  

And my Puppy Dog is most likely a damn sight faster than your dog (because he can run like the wind) and - guess what? - my dog is going to get to the prey before your dog.  And then my dog is going to chew the prey which, of course, is going to continue to emit loud death cries.  And then I am not going to be able to get your fucking squeaky little piece of shit toy back from my dog to give it to you, it's rightful, righteous owner.

For an example of this kind of utter fiasco, see here and here.

2) PICK A LINE OF SIGHT

When you are throwing the ball for your dog, and at least three other people are too, don't you think it might be a good idea to make sure that the balls' trajectories don't cross each other?  Or were you not paying attention in Maths class when they covered Geometry?

If you have to cross trajectories because the park is full - guess what? - you can try timing.  Watch, just like you would when you're in your car, the relative speed, distance and direction of whatever the potential obstacle may be, and launch your ball accordingly.

It's up to YOU to makes these assessments and calcuations because - guess what? - my dog isn't going to.  And, most likely, neither is yours.  When they chase balls, they're not in fucking ballet class, Mate.  They have a singular focus, their instinct takes over and nothing will deter them from catching the prey. 

I don't give a shit if you don't like it - this is just the way it is.  If you can't figure out a way to play with your dog safely, in a way that doesn't endanger my dog, kindly fuck right off and play somewhere else in the park - like the ditch.

3) WATCH YOUR KID

Rugrats need training as much as dogs do.  If you insist on bringing them to the dog park - in spite of the fact that Snot Goblin parks outnumber dog parks in this city something like 10 to 1 - kindly instruct your Mini-me's on how to behave.

There is a strict etiquette to approaching another person's dog, which is not just about manners, but also safety.

You approach slowly, get the owner's attention and ASK if you may greet or pet the dog.  That way, I can make sure I hold Puppy Girl's collar so that she sits nicely and does not jump up to lick your Tinker in the face, smashing her stone skull into your poor little Nappy Crapper's chin.  

Because, you see, your Small Fry is not a miniature adult to my dog.  It's a playmate.  

My dog does not understand that your Brat weighs two thirds of what it does.  My dog does not understand that all your Scamp wants to do is reach out a tentative finger to touch it.  My dog does not understand that your Hatched Alien is above it in the pack order because, once again, my dog is heavier, faster and fitter than your Ankle Biter and it knows that she could take it down in a heartbeat.

Manners!  Etiquette!  Ignore these elements in your Snot Nose's education and you'll rue the day.  

4) WATCH YOUR FURKID

I am happy for you that you are a gregarious, approachable person who likes to gather temporary BFFs at the dog park.  

But, as you exchange inane pleasantries, kindly keep an eye on what your dog is doing.  Because if it's coming over to hump my dog, bark insessantly at her or get in the way of her chasing the ball, your dog is going to get a swift lesson in the power of the Alpha Female.

5) SCOOP THE POOP

This is a follow on from point 2.  

If you don't watch your dog, you can't see when it poops can you?  So pay a-fucking-tention and do what you are supposed to do.

And don't you dare use not having a bag as an excuse.  Less than 5 feet from you in any direction is another dog owner who'll have bags, or you can go to the ones provided by the dog park on the fence and walk your fat, lazy arse back to where the poop is and pick it up.

I do not want to step in your dog's poop.  I do not want my dog to step in your dog's poop.  I do not want my dog's ball to roll in your dog's poop and then her pick the ball up in her mouth.

If I see you repeatedly offending in this way, I am going to come to your house, shit on your doorstep and show you what it's like to not scoop.

6) IF IT DOESN'T COME TO YOU, GO TO IT

I can't tell you the number of times I've heard people at the dog park calling their dogs repeatedly.  If your dog isn't coming to you, move your lardy arse and go to it.

Yes, dogs can run circles around us and make it hard to catch them but, frankly, you wouldn't be in this situation if you had trained your dog properly in the first place.

Anyone who does not teach their dog the "Come" command is a monumental Fuckwit.

Don't stand in the dog park subjecting us all to your sing-song call that reminds us all of bad Karaoke.  

Train your dog, go to your dog and shut the fuck up.

7) PAY FOR YOUR DOG'S SINS

If your dog attacks another dog, do the right thing.  Go up to the owner, apologize and offer him or her your details so that you can pay a portion of the vet bill.  

You'd have to do it if it were a car wreck wouldn't you?  What makes you think you can just walk away when your badly behaved furkid has sunk his teeth into another dog?

Today, at the dog park, two dogs set upon a third, and they had him at either end, pulling him apart.  

The dogs' owners - surprise! surprise! - were chatting to each other and took at least 30 seconds after the volume indicated that this was a really-dangerous-incident-in-progress to run up and deal with their dogs.  

When I went to comfort the owner of the poor dog who was attacked, I asked her whose dogs had hurt her baby.  She couldn't even tell me because she was in shock, and nobody had had the decency to approach her to apologize.

I greatly regret not standing in the park and yelling: "WHOSE DOGS ATTACKED THIS DOG?" running up to them and telling them to remember some fucking manners and make amends to the poor woman who was about to have an Emergency Vet bill to deal with.  Nobody gets half price at the 24 hour dog clinic on a Saturday afternoon.

But, sadly, I was so freaked out that I didn't do it.

But I hereby officially curse those two Fuckwits who didn't help that poor woman.  May they be plagued with arse-pimples, halitosis, constipation and erectile dysfunction for at least six months from today.  And, the next time their dog sinks it's teeth into anything, let it be some soft, warm part of their owners' bodies where the pain will be as acute as possible. 

Read more in the Being a Doggy Mama series.

You may also like reading about how my dogs converse in Puppy Talk.