Divided by a Common Language - Eurovision 2010 Semi Final 1

 

Watching the first semi final of the 2010 (55th) Eurovision Song Contest.

Hosted this year by Norway, from Oslo, there are 39 countries competing.  There are two semi-finals.

This year they have combined telephone votes with a Jury, presumably to avoid the completely racist voting to date.  Basically, every country votes for a) another country that they have emigrants from, b) another country they are close to or c) a country they have political ties to.

So Germany - with a large Turkish expat population - votes for Turkey.

And Ireland and the UK always vote for each other.

And, of course, Malta and Greece vote for the UK to say thanks for saving us in WW2.

I'm not kidding.

If you want to see any of these, check YouTube or Eurovision.tv.

As we go through I'll include quotes of the British commentators.  They will be bitchy, beware.

Moldova

The lead singer is an outfit which is hybrid Lady Gaga and Britney Spears.  The trumpet soloist is jutting his pelvis as he plays.  The male lead singer has a mullet.  The beat is Europop, the accents make the English words unintelligible.  The musicians are dressed like bad 80s throwbacks.

It's camp, tacky and so very, very delightfully Eurovision.

Russia

Commentator: "This isn't so much a pop song, it's three minutes of misery."

FBear:  "This is turgid shite!"

FBear:  "This is like you're watching a bad musical Act 1, halfway through the story, when the hero is down, facing issues."

Oh my holy God, this song necessitates a wind machine.  That about sums up how shit it is.

Estonia

Commentator: "This is a very interesting act from Estonia.  Kind of the anti-Eurovision song. The band is called Malcolm Lincoln, named after the wrong answer in a Who Wants to Be a Millionaire question when the person should have said Abraham Lincoln."

The lead singer is skinny and has tight pants on.  He's jumping around the stage like one of those pictures in children's Christmas books where there are "Seven Lords a Leaping".  He's wearing a pink scarf with a black velvet jacket.  If he was in a bar in Michigan, he'd be beaten up.

OK it looks like one of the backup singers fainted at the end of the song.  Trying to steal the limelight from the lead singer.  Nice try, buddy.

Slovakia

FBear: "What is she WEARING?"

OK they are dressed like tree nymph people in a bad high school production of some fantasy play.  Basically this is a rehash of the winning song, Dum Tek Tek, from a few years ago.

It's got one of those Eastern European drumming beats, 'cos dey bringin' de ethnik, man.  

Now the male dancers are dancing around the leader singing lady with ribbons.   She has leaves on her dress, in her hair, on her wrists.  Seriously.

Commentator:  "Well, she's organic Enya."

Finland

Two blonde Finnish women.  Now there's a shock.

One has a white accordion, prompting the commentator to say that "she just gave us a whiff of her squeezebox."

Ah, more ethnic drumbeats.  Clap!  Clap! Clap along, peasants!

Aw, they are barefoot.  How very virginal.  Nice try, ladies, but we all know what you Scandinavian lassies are like.

Now we have two male backing singers/dancers, wearing beige vests (waistcoasts), inadvisedly.

And what are they singing in Finnish, we ask?

What tune should I strike up now feeling glad inside?

How to best adorn it not to make this mood subside?

With some puffy clouds and sunlight beaming in the skies,

some of that to market vendors and their laughing eyes.

Hear me singing/And I sing:

Let the Sun shine, glide away my Moon

I labour for a living, soon commerce fills my purse.

  

 

Latvia

 

Apparently the singer's dad is a big rock star in Latvia. 

 

Oh dear, she didn't inherit an ability to carry a tune - not for the first line, anyway.

I asked my Unlcle Joe but he can't speak

Why does the wind still blow and blood still leaks

So many questions now

What for do people live until they die?

For God's sake, why do they sing in English if they can't make sense in it?

 

Oh, brother, her voice is as flat as her chest.

 

And she appears to be wearing a satin sheet.

 

Commentator: "It's like deep root canal, the musical"

 

 

Serbia

 

Commentator: "He's dressed like a toothpaste tube."

 

Oh my GAWD it's a POLKA song!

 

He's a skinny androgenous blonde wearing white pants with a belt so low on his hips that it must be brushing his family jewels through the pants.

 

One of the backing dancers (male) is wearing a fingerless pink leather glove.

 

I WISH I was kidding.

 

He has pink socks and blue flat shoes.  

 

OK, this is BEYOND crap.  Even the choreography is bad.  Seriously!

 

OK, just make it stop.

 

Commentator: "I am going to make a hair appointment tomorrow morning.  I want that hairdo."  I don't think she was serious.

 

 

 

Bosnia Herzegovina

 

Why are all these men so damn skinny?  This is a rockish song, apparently the only one in the competition.  The electric guitar and real Western drums make a nice change.

 

FBear on the backing singers: "Well, THEY'RE very short skirts!"

 

Oh dear, in spite of the rock beat, this is pretty boring stuff.  Like a Bryan Adams album filler.

 

Like many Eurovision songs, this one has a message.  "This is the time to overcome our past," in this case.  Clearly Bosnia is still healing.

 

 

 

Poland

 

Oh dear, girls in ethnic costume.  The main singer's bodice is so low there is a major nipple danger.

 

OK, this is the kind of song you would hear at the icecapades.

 

Me: "OK, it's just been pure unadulterated shit so far."

 

FBear: "Isn't that the point, Baby?" 

 

WTH?  The male lead singer has the female lead singer in a headlock, then a backing dancer pulls her top off revealing a white boob tube bra top.  Is this abuse on stage?  What IS this?

 

 

  

Belgium

 

OK, blue pants, blue waistcoat (vest), light blue shirt and a blue and white acoustic guitar.

 

Um... what?  Is this actually OK?

 

Well, he sounds a little like a street busker, but at least his English lyrics make sense, and he can actually play guitar and sing.  As Simon Cowell would say, though, it's no better than good karaoke.

 

Yawn.

 

HAH!  He came second in the Belgian X Factor.

 

  

Malta

 

Commentator: "They often send strong women from Malta."  Too true.

 

Poor Malta.  They take this competition so seriously and try and try and try so HARD to win every year.  But they never quite make it, which is a pity, because at least Malta is a nice place to go to for the competition.  

 

OK, it's a ballad from a young girl with a big voice, bigger than her 21 years.  You could find this girl in any church choir or Glee club in America.  

 

OH MY GOD!  There is a man hiding behind her dress flapping big angel wings as if she is an angel...  It's disturbing!

 

She finished on a big soprano note... surprise, surprise, surprise. 

 

Commentator:  "Good grief!  That Maltese bird man!"

 

  

Albania

 

A good old fashioned pop song!  At last!  Ooh, 80s shoulder pads on the female lead singer!  YAY!  A happy, clubby, summer song!  Easy lyrics, a chorus you can sing along to... NOW we're talkin'!  Happy drivel, that's what we want from Eurovision!

 

They are trying to bring in some class and seriousness by having a guy on a fiddle (everybody always copies what the last winner did, and there was a violinist last year), but it's just bubble gum through and through, Baby.

 

All it's missing is cheesy backing dancers.  Damn!  Where are they?  She should have shirtless men gyrating, not an ugly violinist!

 

Commentator reading a viewer email: "If this song doesn't qualify, I'll declare myself straight!"

 

 

 

Greece

 

The song is called OPA!  Pass me a plate, dear, I need to smash it.

 

Ah yes, I smell kebabs, kleftiko and dolmades.

 

Disturbingly, the male singer and his dancers are hot, with open shirts.  I was expecting a Zorba type.

 

The men keep going "oof!" in the background - a good, sexy sound.  Or constipation, depending on how you look at it.

 

Fantastic!  Lots of yelling "HEY!" and "OPA!"

 

Seriously, where's my waiter?  I need some more olives, taramoussalata and hummus.  And some ouzo!

 

OK I am LOVING THIS!  They men are throwing big drums around and there's some guy with a vertical fiddle thingy.  And the backing singer/dancers are so hot/camp!  FAB. U.  LOUS!

 

 

 

Portugal

 

Oh, bugger.  Back to a young girl with a big voice in an even bigger dress.  18 years old, making lots of zsh sounds, so you are in no doubt that it's Portugese.

 

Yawn.

 

Her boobs are so flat, her bodice is so tiny and her skirt is so huge she looks like a doll cake.  

 

Clearly Portugal doesn't want to win.  They couldn't afford to host this anyway.  Sometimes countries lose on purpose, because hosting the contest the next year can be draining on the coffers.

 

 

Oh my holy God the commentator is in the Green Room and went up to one of the women and her skirt was made of BUBBLE WRAP and he popped some of it!  Seriously, kids, only Eurovision.

 

 

 

FYR Macedonia

 

Well this sounds 80s, right off, until the guy starts crooning in a foreign language.

 

They are trying to pep this up by having three female backup dancers gyrating in leather bikinis. 

 

FBear: "Dancing is a loose term for what those girls are doing, because dancing usually means being in time with the music."

 

OH SHIT!  Now we have a guy in silver suit with trainers rapping in Macedonian!  

 

Now we have a rocker guitarist going electric on our asses.  WTF?

 

Commentator: "There's something disturbing about that.  That's a song about heartache and it's an old guy getting pawed by a woman half his age.  That's not much heartache now is it?"

 

 

 

Belarus

 

I've just been blinded by the gold and silver and bronze sequins of the women's dresses!  

 

There are five singers in a row, two men and three women, trying - and failing - to harmonize. 

 

Kinda like Il Divo, but more El Shitto.

 

If my life was this song, I'd jump off a bridge.

 

You'll have to take my word for it, because you can't hear me, but I am moaning audibly, in pain.  Find this on YouTube and suffer with me.  Then again, don't.  I like you.  You came to my blog.  You read this far into a very long post.  Don't torture yourself.

 

OH NO I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.  THE WOMEN NOW ALL HAVE BUTTERFLY WINGS!

 

 

 

Iceland

 

Ah here we go - the obligatory large lady.  She's the last song of the night and as they say, it's not over till...

 

Ah, a rave beat in the background.

 

"I am standing strong..." she starts to sing.  "Unlike your economy, Love!" quips Fluffy Bear.

 

Why are Iceland singing in English and French?  Pandering to the voters, that's why.

 

Good Lord there is a lot of swishing fabric in this woman's dress.  I envy her.  If you want a bosom for a  pillow, Mate, she's the one you need.

 

Jesus, didn't the techno backbeat go out over ten years ago?  That's why you gotta love Europe.  They are always a decade behind the UK in music, poor little possums.

 

Interestingly, the backing singers are all curvy women too.  Kinda refreshing.

 

 

Well, that was the last song for tonight.

 

The three presenters are back.  An older lady, a young blonde guy and a Black lady.  Do you thing Norway is desperate to promote it's "diversity"?

 

Commentator: "Here's a shout out to the kids at the University of Sheffield.  A whole living block is watching.  That's cos you don't have the money to go out, that's why!"

 

Commentator: "After the winner last year, many countries have jumped on the folk song band wagon."  Told you so, didn't I?  They all copy the last year's winner, like we all want the same damn thing again.

 

And now a preview of the next semi-final...

 

The Dutch song is written by Grandfather Abraham, inventor of the Smurfs!  Is this a joke?  It's called Sha la lie Sha la la.  I can't wait for the next semi final!

 

To read more in the Divided by a Common Language series, click here.  

Comments

[everywhereventually]

Hurrah! You can get it in the US now :)

Well where do I start? I love this year that either Eastern Europe is taking itself less seriously or Western Europe is getting their sense of humour. Russia and Serbia are absolutely fucking hilarious! The faux clawing doom of the Russian song is just a piss take and the wind machine such a classic Eurovision device, that using it on an averagely haired guy to emphasise his misery is a stroke of Eurovision genius. Muy iPod tells me he is my favourite... The huge sighs crack me up :)

I also love Serbia. Now they;'ve won it they just have less to prove and the track is a lot of fun.

Iceland and Greece... Well there is a lot of internet chatter about which economy the voters of Europe want to bankrupt by giving them the hosting bill for next year's competition. The Greek backing singers are definitely v v v v v v sexy, but the Lithuanina guys coming out tonight are also FAF. Iceland was huge in the bart where I watched it... but then it was the Retro Bar, so what can you expect. :)

The winner is most likely to come from the 2nd Semim though... It is going to be a Caucusus-Off, so bring your Azerbaijani phrase book, your history of the wars of Post Soviet Union succession, a flak jacket and get ready for an on stage cat fight when all three tie for first place on Saturday.

Huzzah!