He Said She Said - Laundry
Sunday, January 3, 2010 at 1:43PM 
"Thank you for doing the laundry," she said.
"That's OK," he said. "It needed doing."
"Yes it DID!" she said, her annoyance showing. "You seemed to leave it till it reached critical mass."
"I did it the way a MAN would do it," he said. "I don't like to do it all the time. It's like a job that never ends. I hate jobs that never end. Like doing your expenses."
"You can think of it that way," she replied, "or you can think of it as always being complete, because you're always on top of it."
"No, no, NO!" he said. "Haven't you watched enough Top Gear with me to understand how men think? If I leave the laundry, it becomes a job. It's the engineer in me. I can work out how many loads are needed, what order to do it in, how to divide up the clothes. It's Just in Time laundry!"
"Just in Time? I've haven't had the right socks all week! My gym socks, which are too short, have been rolling down to my toes when I walk in my boots!"
"Well it was Just in Time for me..."
"Oh, Colonel Pickering!" she sighed... "Why can't a man... be more like a woman?"
PROFESSOR HARRIET HIGGINS:
Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Why can't a man, be more like a woman?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Women are loyal, always a friend
Eternally noble, historically fair.
A shoulder to cry on, right through to the end
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Who, when you drunk-puke, we will hold your hair back
Why can't a woman be like that?
Why can't a man be more like that?
Why does every one do what the others do?
Why does every man do what his buddies do?
Can't a woman learn to use her head?
Can't a man learn to think for himself?
Why do they do everything their mothers do?
Must they copy their fathers and try to outdo?
Why don't they grow up, well, like their father instead?
Why can't they leave their ego on the shelf?
Why can't a woman take after a man?
Why can't a man take after a woman?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please.
Women are pleasant, so eager to please.
Whenever you're with them, you're always at ease.
Whenever you're with them, they put you at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?
Would you be worried if I didn't speak for hours?
COLONEL LADY PICKERING:
Of course not!
But of course!
PROFESSOR HARRIET HIGGINS:
Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?
Would you giggle if we had a drink or two?
COLONEL LADY PICKERING:
Nonsense!
Like a baby!
PROFESSOR HARRIET HIGGINS:
Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?
Would you be excited if somebody sent me flowers?
COLONEL LADY PICKERING:
Never.
Always!
PROFESSOR HARRIET HIGGINS:
Well, why can't a woman be like you?
Well, why can't a man be like you?
One man in a million may shout a bit.
One woman in a million may nag a bit.
Now and then, there's one with slight defects.
Now and then there's one with no self respect.
One perhaps whose truthfulness you doubt a bit,
One perhaps who behaves like a slut a bit,
But by and large we are a marvelous sex!
But by and large we are the better sex!
Why can't a woman take after a man?
Why can't a man, take after a woman?
'Cause men are so friendly, good-natured and kind.
Women are sweet, good-natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
A better confidante you never will find.
If I were hours late for dinner would you bellow?
If we had dinner plans would you be on time?
COLONEL LADY PICKERING:
Of course not.
Of course!
PROFESSOR HARRIET HIGGINS:
If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?
If my birthday came around you'd make a fuss?
COLONEL LADY PICKERING:
Nonsense.
I always do!
PROFESSOR HARRIET HIGGINS:
Would you complain if I took out another fellow?
Would you help me check my date's a worthy fellow?
COLONEL LADY PICKERING:
Never.
I always have!
PROFESSOR HARRIET HIGGINS:
Why can't a woman be like us?
Well why can't men be more like us?
Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Why can't a man be more like a woman?
Men are so decent, such regular chaps;
Women are decent, sweet smelling and clean;
Ready to help you through any mishaps;
Egging you on when it's time to be mean;
Ready to buck you up whenever you're glum.
Ready to pick you up whenever you are down.
Why can't a woman be a chum?
Why does a man have to be such a clown?
Why is thinking something women never do?
Why is cleaning something that men never do?
And why is logic never even tried?
And why is tidying up never tried?
Straightening up their hair is all they ever do.
Tinkering with things is all they ever do,
Why don't they straighten up the mess that's inside?
While making messes we just can't abide!
Why can't a woman behave like a man?
Why can't a man be more like a woman?
If I was a woman who'd been to a ball,
If I was a man and had been to a game
Been hailed as a princess by one and by all;
Drunk myself stupid - only myself to blame -
Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing,
Would I grab more beer and fast food by the box full?
Or carry on as if my home were in a tree?
Or determine to watch more sport on TV?
Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?
Or carry on as if I'm a Neanderthal?
Why can't a woman be like me?
Why can't a man be like me?
Reader Comments (4)
Too funny....but really your hubby does laundry? Mine doesn't even know where the laundry room is and he wouldn't ask for directions on how to get there. He would just wander around the great room, get confused and exclaim that there isn't a laundry room with in a hundred miles.
happy 2010
@Taffy
Well my husband lived on his own for a few years before marrying, and then again between Bitch No. 1 and Bitch No. 2 (that would be me) so he's very self-reliant. He also cooks!
Hmmmm... now that I think about it, he might just be a keeper.
Happy 2010 to you too!
Exactly. Except...I tend to do all the laundry. Which? Shitty.
Yes, that is pretty shitty