I've suffered from depression since I was a pre-teen. In 2012 I got very sick, becoming suicidal. In 2013 I decided to try ElectroConvulsive Therapy. The "Depression" series of blog posts chronicles that process.

It's Sunday night and I'm petrified.

I'm scared that I am going to wake up tomorrow morning and not be able to go to work. Again.

This last week I skipped work on Monday and on Friday.

With all the time off I've had for ECT, I know that my boss must be getting tired of me not being in the office.

What if I feel it again tomorrow? That fear, that sense of being totally overwhelmed.

I keep trying to reassure myself that it's not going to happen but of course that's something I can't guarantee. I know that I have to find a way to deal with the feelings, get through them, get into the shower and start my routine so that I do manage to get to work. Once I'm there, there's a 90% chance I'll be fine.

I was thinking about this on Friday and reminding myself that other people have days when they don't want to go to work too.

We all have our crap to deal with.

Maybe it's my expectations of a crap free life that are out of whack. Maybe people around me aren't fine like they look. Maybe I've got to play this life game like everyone else.

Is it really harder for me, or am I using my depression as an excuse for wussing out when I should be overcoming, like everyone else does?

Instinctively I know that it IS harder for me. I have brain chemicals that are out of balance. But it doesn't mean that it's ALWAYS so bad that I have to take the day off. And it doesn't mean that it's always ten times worse than what "normal" people go through. I need to find a way to deal with this.

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After this blog post my husband asked me, as I got into bed, if I was OK and I said No and told him why. He suggested that he get up with me in the morning and that I take some time first thing to meditate.

And so, after brushing my teeth, I lit my candle and sat myself down and just thought through how I felt and what I felt. I explored my fears and doubts and pain. At one point Puppy Girl started licking my face and I just let that happen.

[ BTW to read more about the dogs, click the category link on the left. ]

I needed to reset my timer for a second block of ten minutes because I felt I wasn't finished after the first. But I guess I mulled over everything and was able to get myself motivated to face my day. Embrace my day. OK, maybe not quite that far.

As I stood up to go and get ready, Fluffy Bear gave me a big hug and I clung to him for dear life. I prayed, with my arms wrapped around him, that he stay healthy and safe. A prayer for purely selfish reasons but a prayer nonetheless.

I made it through the shower and the hairdryer and the choice of shirt. As I left the house, with the dogs at the front door, I desperately wanted to go back inside and just spend the day with them, but I kept walking.

And now here I am on the bus and I'm mostly OK.

Mostly.