It's too hot. It's too damn hot.
Yes, I know there are other people who live in hotter places than I do. Arizona, Texas, the Kalahari Desert. Well - guess what? - they have air conditioning!
OK, maybe not the whole Kalahari Desert.
But, still.
I am not set up for this kind of weather. I lived in England, for God's sake - that's gonna thicken your blood and acclimatize you to the mild-to-wet-to-chilly continuum only. Nothing else.
Note the absence of the "Fucking hot" category on that scale.
So here are all the crazy things I've been doing to try to keep cool:
- 3 cold showers a day
- Standing outside in the yard, putting my finger over the spout of the hose to make a wide jet of water, pointing it up in the air and creating rain for myself
- Dumping ice into tubs in front of the fan to make swamp coolers
- Wetting my hair under the bathroom basin about 6 times a day
- Going out to meet friends with a bandana on my head, which I could wet in the restroom and tie back on
- Eating ice
- Eating whole pints of sorbet
- Sleeping with two fans pointed right at the bed
- Prizing open every previously stuck sash window in our 1910 house that I can
- Not caring if the neighbors see me walking around naked
- Wading into the river at the park with Puppy Dog and his pals - my cellphone didn't like that one too much
- Wetting T-shirts and then putting them on
- Feeling my way around a dark house at night instead of turning on the lights - my left big toe, when it hit a door, didn't like that one too much
- Wetting baseball caps and putting them on
- Sitting in the car, aircon blasting, long after I've arrived at my destination - my petrol (gas) gauge didn't like that one too much
- Driving around for ten minutes or more, looking for any parking in the shade close to my destination - the woman juggling her shopping cart and her baby, that I nearly ran into, didn't like that one too much
- Buying 6 bags or more of ice at a time
- Wetting towels and then lying down with them covering my whole body
And I'm still fucking hot.