Before the healthcare cover goes South, I am taking care of all those nagging health issues I have procrastinated about for the last two years. And one of them is something I have had on my list for a long time.
Hemorrhoids.
Yes, why hurry to have someone poke something up your anus and look at it? But, I finally got around to it, and I am glad I did.
So off I went to see a specialist. He turned out to be a very nice man, possibly close to retirement, so very experienced. He reminded me a little of Dr Emmett Brown in Back to the Future. Grey hair, a little unkempt, clearly very intelligent and with a wicked sense of humor.
I guess an Ass Doctor either has a great sense of humor to start with, or develops one by necessity as he or she practices over time.
So we had the examination, during which he decided to teach his poor hapless assistant.
"Now, Nurse Smith, what does it mean when we see a tag like this at the back of the anus?"
Um... a foozleberrydoodab?"
"Nooooooooooo. It's a bowockasnoofydoodab, Nurse Smith."
The rear entry was painless, quick and not at all embarrassing. No, I took care of embarrassing myself. You may remember my post where I explained that I forget things when I am stressed. Appointment details are forgotten, I have to rely on the satnav to get somewhere I've been before, and words escape into the brain fog of temporary IQ loss.
"Thank you," I said as I sat up, relieved. "That was.... um... a lot less horrible than I expected it to be."
"Well!" he replied. "I have been a doctor for many years and that is the best compliment I have ever had! Doctor, you weren't as horrible as I expected you to be!"
Call me crazy, but he may have been a tad sarcastic at that point. Lucky for him, I find that kind of thing hilarious. But trust me, you don't want to laugh too hard when you have gel up your butt.
And so, the diagnosis.
"You dont have hemarrhoids," he told me. "You have an anal fissure. It's very common in doctors, lawyers and people who work at [my previous employer]. Basically, the sphincter muscles are too tight and they cause this cut in the anus. So yes, it's true what they say about people being anal."
And there you have it. I am an anal, A-type personality. Officially.